Solace
by SitkaWild
Summary: What matters is precisely this: the unspoken at the edge of the spoken - V.W
1. Chapter 1

I squinted against the sunlight streaming in through the glass door of my kitchen, bathing the room in a golden glow. The wooden floorboards were cool beneath my feet, cursing the messy counter I hadn't bothered to clean up the night before, coffee pot still filled with yesterday's grounds.

The white walls reflected the light, creating the illusion of a warm space- the brick accent wall ever-charming to the rare visitor; the yellow flowers blooming in the windowsill a feat of my own neglectful nature. I had given up nightshifts when I moved here, returning to the schedule of the living. Three years in and I still found myself lying restless, staring at the whitewashed ceiling. Startling awake in the dead of night.

Lately it had been dreams of fire and devastation. Of windows shattered and homes collapsed in on themselves, ashes falling like snow. They collected in her hair, face soot darkened and terror struck. Our eyes met. She spoke my name. I woke in a sweat.

I gazed out the window at the cloudless sky behind the old brick apartment building across the way, hot water stinging my skin as I rinsed out the espresso pot. Terrible coffee was another habit I gave up when I left Vegas. There wasn't much I could do about the station swill, but on my own time I had developed an obnoxiously refined taste.

Mist sprayed up against my oversized t-shirt, soaking into the grey material. I sighed, flipping off the water and grabbing a nearby hand towel, half-heartedly wiping it off. The fraying ends fell against my bare thigh, the letters beginning to wear off- the H disappearing, the V like a ghost. I finished making coffee, tossing two frozen waffles into the toaster. Some things hadn't changed- my terrible eating habits; my feelings of existential dread.

I gathered my messy hair up in my fist, tying the elastic from my wrist around it. Wandering past the mirror in the hallway I caught sight of myself, frowning softly. 38 looked terrifying on me- eyes dark from lack of sleep, unruly hair in desperate need of a cut. The worry lines on my forehead were slowly becoming a permanent fixture and for a fleeting moment I wondered what my life would look like if I had taken that gap year in Barcelona when I was 19; gone to New York for law school.

Bored out of my fucking mind, I reasoned tiredly. My phone vibrated against the coffee table, drawing my attention. I dropped down onto the beige couch beside Leonard who let out a quiet meow of protest at the disruption.

"Curtis"

"Do you ever sleep? It's your day off" Quinn asked. I smiled, leaning back into the cushions.

"No" I ran a hand absently over Leonard's back. "Why bother when I'm constantly being called into work?"

"You've had three days off this month, don't be dramatic" she mused sarcastically.

I hummed in acknowledgement, scratching behind Leonard's ear gently. "You are calling me in to work though, right?"

"You bet"

I sighed, meeting the golden gaze staring up at me with a regretful look. "I'll be in in an hour"

* * *

Carson City was a step down from Vegas in just about every sense, but it was quieter and I took that quiet gratefully. Crime wise it was steady enough to keep me busy, but slow enough that my shifts rarely pushed nine hours. That meant I had plenty of time to trail run along Lake Tahoe and cuddle up on the couch with Leonard and a plethora of books on how to un-fuck your life. It was a charmed existence.

As quiet as the city was, the department was always in some state of upheaval. We had lost our second Captain to the California coast months ago, and the promise of replacing him had yet to be followed through on. That meant it was rare that a day passed without me there to play the role of departmental middle-man, appeasing the chief and keeping things running smoothly. I usually didn't mind but the warm June air was tempting me to the mountains. I had been crawling out of my skin in the city the past few weeks and I was in desperate need of a distraction from the job and the nightmares and the incessant reminders of her.

This wasn't a new problem. If I tried hard enough I could find her in everything; see her in everyone. The first year after I left Vegas had been a rough one. Being so close to having her, just to lose it all felt like a death of sorts. I pushed all of the pain and loneliness down, focusing solely on my work. I was promoted from Deputy to Lieutenant, I won the praises of my mother. It wasn't until a close call from a reckless move in the line of fire that I forced myself to step back. I spent a week in Monterey, next to the sea. I took stock of my life. I quit smoking then. I came home to a small, emaciated tabby huddled beneath the steps of my condo. I planted flowers in the window boxes. I watched them bloom.

And then Warrick died and I knew I couldn't avoid her forever. I ended up on Jim's doorstep at some ungodly hour, blind with exhaustion and sorrow. We drank whiskey and reminisced. I had cut myself off from everyone when I left, so I had no idea that Sara had left mere months after I did. That her and Grissom, despite being together, were not living the suburban nightmare that I had been imagining. It felt like an emotional weight lifted. I may not have gotten to go home to her at night, but neither did Grissom. I held no animosity towards him, it's just that I loved her and though she refused to see it, he was never going to be enough.

It wasn't until after the service that I saw her. I followed her into the stuffy church bathroom, alone beneath dim lighting and the musty smell of dying flowers. We didn't say much. I told her I was sorry. I held her until she stopped shaking. Until my own tears that I couldn't quite hold back subsided. She touched my face; looked at me with a softness that was absolutely gutting. We said goodbye.

Since then we had run into each other a handful of times, usually at departmental conferences and seminars. We spent as much time together as we could without stepping off of conference center grounds- evening coffee in a closing down café, lunch on the rooftop, hiding out from our respective colleagues. We may be friends again, but the suffocating tension was still there; unspoken words burning the tip of our tongues.

She crossed my mind often, but it was usually painless and fleeting. This past week though, I couldn't seem to shake her. I told myself that it was her birthday that had her haunting my thoughts, but there was something unnerving about it- something vague and unplaceable.

"Fuck" I muttered as I glanced out the side window at my exit. Reaching out to turn the music up in an attempt to drown out my thoughts, I chastised myself for being so distracted.

I pulled into my parking stall just as Deputy Hadley was heading towards PD, displeasure written across her features. I shot her a smile, sliding out of my old pickup. At least we were in this together.

"Lea" I greeted as I slung my messenger bag over my shoulder.

"Captain" she replied tiredly, tossing dark waves over an ebony shoulder. "Fucking Saturday morning, man. Leon was making pancakes"

I smiled, falling in step beside her. "Thai for lunch to drown our sorrows?"

"God, yes" she agreed, taking a long sip from her coffee mug as we passed by a woman on her way out of the station. I glanced up to offer a passing smile and was struck by the chocolate color of her eyes- the roundness, the sadness behind them. They were so unnervingly familiar. I blinked, falling out of stride. Lea glanced back at me, quirking an eyebrow.

"You okay?"

I nodded, hand sliding to my back pocket absently to grab my phone. "I've just got to make a call, I'll be in in a minute"

I moved off to the side of the building, searching through my contacts. I paused over her name, thumb hovering for a long moment before I scrolled back up, clicking another familiar name before I lost my nerve.

"Greg, hey. It's Sofia" I greeted softly.

"_Sofia Curtis, __I was wondering if we'd ever hear from you again_"

I smiled, leaning back against the wall. "I know, I'm sorry, it's been a while. Look, I'm just heading into work and I can't seem to shake this feeling…" I hesitated, fingers craving the comfort of a cigarette. "Is Sara okay?"

"_You must have heard about Basderic. She's okay, or so she says. She refused to take any time off, but we're keeping an eye on her_"

I frowned, covering my ear against the drone of traffic as I tried to make sense of what he was saying.

"What are you talking about?"

"_… the Basderic case, I assumed you had gotten wind of it up there_"

"No, I had a weird feeling so I thought I'd check in… what the hell happened?"

He launched into a story about a man dead in a hotel room that Sara had been in that night, another man framing her for murder. Sara assaulting a suspect. I listened carefully, staring at the pavement with a frown.

"_She's been going through a pretty rough patch lately. Between the café shooting and the divorce, her mother going off the rails again and now this… she just seems a little lost_"

My chest tightened, short nails spearing into my palm.

"Her and Grissom, they're divorced?" _…they were married?_

"_Yeah, it was a surprise to us too_"

I pushed a hand through my hair as I leaned back against the wall, closing my eyes against a sudden wave of nausea.

"_Maybe you should call her, I know how close you guys used to be. We're all here for her, but you know how she can be_"

I blew out a breath, nodding at no one in particular.

_Oh._


	2. Chapter 2

_Thanks for reading! _

* * *

It was mid-afternoon by the time my narrowly maintained focus began fading. The file in front of me had begun blurring into nonsense- details about a drug bust involving two high profile criminals that had gone down last night. It had ended in a close call by an undercover agent who, in a moment of nervous confusion, had revealed his badge prematurely, putting the entire operation in jeopardy. He had been lucky to make it out unscathed; lucky that only a handful of the men involved managed to evade us. Lucky that I was so deeply distracted by my own thoughts that he made it out of our meeting this morning with nothing more than a gentle warning and two weeks paid leave.

I had been anxious about this sting for weeks, convinced we should hold off. It had almost gone sideways, and instead of berating myself for not pushing my point harder, I was busy replaying an irrelevant yet heart wrenching mantra: _she fucking married him. _

I let my pen slip out of my loose grip, watching it clamour gently against the mahogany desk as a wave of fatigue washed over me. I ran my hands over my bare face tiredly. What had I expected? Just because I couldn't handle a relationship more serious than a long-standing affair with the department receptionist, that didn't mean she shouldn't be grasping at every opportunity for happiness that came along.

"What happened with Erickson? I heard you let him off with a warning"

I lifted my gaze to watch Quinn invite herself into my spacious office, dropping down into one of the navy bucket chairs.

"He's been on assignment for months, he was under immense pressure. I gave him a break" I explained dismissively.

"You don't get breaks in this job, you know that. It's a matter of life or death all of the time, and he fucked up. He's lucky to be alive"

I pressed my eyes shut for a moment, feeling the beginnings of a headache coming on.

"I decided a close brush with death was punishment enough"

"How can you even be sure it was a mistake? We've seen it before, these officers get attached and conflicted, they end up making some stupid last ditch attempt to warn their new buddies…"

"He's an anxious guy to begin with Norah, he just made a mistake…" I tapped my fingers together absently, holding her gaze. "I made a judgement call here… usually you trust me on these things"

She sighed, rolling her shoulders absently back into a gentle stretch, barely tamed curls falling over her slim shoulders. My office had become the one place where she allowed the tough mask of Deputy Chief to fall away, along with the brunt of her ferocity. Being her unofficial right hand had its share of privileges.

"I do, you know that. You're just not usually so lenient when it comes to reckless behaviour"

"The sting was a general success, let's just focus on that."

She sighed, turning her gaze towards the large window overlooking the quiet parking lot. The gorgeous weather seemed to be keeping people relatively mellow, no more than a few cars entering the lot since I had settled in hours ago.

"Everything feels so tense today, the energy in this place is off"

I chuckled, raking a hand through my long hair. "You dragged everyone in here at six a.m. on a Saturday, what did you expect?"

She shot me a look, the soft lines around her almond eyes deepening as she pushed tiredly up out of the chair. "It's tough being the boss. Now come have lunch, we're ordering out"

"I'm just finishing up this report, I'll be out in a few"

I watched her go, gaze dropping back down to the words in front of me. I scanned over them for a long moment before flipping the manila folder shut with a defeated sigh. I turned hesitantly to my computer, clicking open the case database. Six hours before caving was ultimately a triumph of my wildly impatient mind. I bit my bottom lip, typing in the name that had been at the forefront of my thoughts all day.

Ronald Basderic was unnerving even to look at, narrowly concealed insanity shining through ice blue eyes. I read carefully through the detailed report, chewing absently on my bottom lip. He had broken into Sara's home, left the murder weapon behind. He had provoked her in a parking garage, framed her for assault.

The evidence log led to a series of photos taken of the victim and Sara, in a parking lot outside of a familiar bar. I felt my stomach clench at the sight of her- the way her familiar leather jacket clung to her figure, unruly brunette hair tucked behind her ear, a gentle smile gracing her features as he pressed her up against an SUV.

I puffed out a breath, tearing my gaze away to focus out the window, at the sunlit hills in the distance.

"It doesn't matter" I reasoned quietly, taking a breath before forcing my gaze back onto the screen. I came across her intake photos, cursing quietly. They had actually processed her. I studied the first one, the sadness in her chocolate eyes unbearable, staring back at me through the screen. Greg was right, she looked utterly lost.

I skipped over the rest, the knowledge that she had been stripped down and documented nauseating enough on its own. Scrolling through the documents, I caught sight of a familiar name. I frowned, leaning in to examine at the messy signature at the bottom of a report- _Norah Quinn. _

"You're kidding" I mumbled under my breath, neck aching from the all of the tension I was suddenly shouldering.

"It's a frenzy in there, you better get in if you want some" Quinn advised, dark head popping into my office. My stormy gaze shot up to lock with hers.

"Can I talk to you?"

She frowned, dark eyebrows knitting with confusion as she stepped in, pulling the door shut behind her.

"What's going on?"

"Sara Sidle was involved in a murder investigation and you didn't think it worth mentioning?"

Realization spread across her features, pressing her lips into a thin line as she crossed her arms tiredly over her chest.

"Oh, that"

I scoffed, leaning back in my chair. "Yeah, that"

She moved further into the room, coming to sit down across from me.

"The victim was from Carson City, that's the only reason I even knew about it. By the time I got the full story, Basderic had already been arrested and she was in the clear… I didn't think it was important for you to know"

I clicked my tongue in annoyance, giving my head a single shake.

"You should have told me"

"Maybe" she sighed, reaching out to touch the leaves on the wilting Ficus beside my desk with a concerned frown, warm eyes eventually making their way back to mine.

"I knew it would upset you, and she was fine. I just didn't see the point in stirring things up"

"The point would be giving me the curtesy of knowing that a close friend was framed for murder, Norah. I mean… fuck" I cursed, dropping back into my chair as I glanced out the window tensely.

"Okay, I'm sorry, I should have told you" she raised her hands slightly in surrender. "I have to go down there for another civil suit next week, if you want I can make some excuse to stop by the lab, get a read on how she's doing"

I felt the words rolling off my tongue before I had a chance to think them over. "Let me represent the department in the civil suit"

She eyed me uncertainly for a moment, quirking a thick eyebrow.

"You're of more use here than I am anyway" I pressed.

She sighed, expression shifting from skeptical to weary as she fixed me with a look of sudden seriousness.

"Sofia, what are you doing?"

"What?"

She scoffed, raising an eyebrow.

"You know exactly what. I'm just trying to help you break this vicious cycle of heartache…"

I ran a tongue over my bottom lip, bracing my hands gently against the soft arms of my chair.

"I spoke to a friend in Vegas this morning, he says she's struggling… I just want to check in"

"So pick up the phone and have a conversation with her. Take Cassidy out for a romantic dinner and fuck her in the parking lot, I know how that thrills you" she mused, gesturing vaguely in the direction of reception. "That's my off-the-record advice"

I rolled my eyes, shooting her an irritated glance. The corners of her pretty eyes crinkled as she chuckled and I made a mental note to stop telling her these intimate details.

"Look, either I go down there for work or I take a few days off and you end up screwed because for some reason this department only has one Captain…"

She searched my eyes for a long moment before throwing a hand up with a relenting sigh.

"Alright. I think it's a mistake, but if you want three painful days in court, they're all yours"


	3. Chapter 3

_The timeline of this story makes no sense, but I suppose I can do what I want. Thanks for reading!_**  
**

* * *

The drive to Vegas was longer than I remembered. My legs felt restless in the confined space despite the ground I was covering. The podcasts I had been saving up to listen to couldn't hold my attention, distracted by ongoing cases and passing towns and the forced rehearsal of what I was going to say to her.

I am a doer by nature, a thinker by force. My impulse is to confront things head on, go with my instincts, tackle uncertainty by walking straight up and knocking it out cold. I've learned, on my slow path of self-enlightenment, that I'm not exactly a tactful person. Patience isn't my strength. It's years of training that have taught me to pause; to calculate before acting, and 7 hours stuck in the confines of my truck gave me nothing but time for a lengthy assault of my own uneasy thoughts. I made it to Vegas just as stars were beginning to appear in the darkening sky, anxious and craving a beer. Craving several.

I checked into a hotel that was far enough from the strip that I could potentially avoid the chaos entirely. I missed the canyons around Vegas; missed the people; missed the interesting cases, but the tourists and wild energy was not something I was eager to revisit. I picked up a mid-grade bottle of whiskey before settling into my room to go over the files for court the next day.

The case was fairly cut and dry, a class action lawsuit against the Nevada Highway Patrol and it's apparent lack of effective service. It was an emotional lashing out by a woman who had lost her husband in a brutal roadside attack, left in the ditch to slowly bleed out, found near dawn by a motorist. Her misdirected anger had gathered enough support that it had grown to a class action suit, and while it was horrific and left you with a desire for a stiff drink; to hold your loved ones close, it was a losing battle. I was there to represent the department, and while it was likely to be nothing more than three days of draining oversight, I had come to know it was always best to be prepared.

At some point the words began blurring on the page, eyes aching from staring at nothing but highway for hours on end. I glanced at my phone that I had abandoned beside me, tapping it on absently. A message from Norah, an e-mail from the DA. I sighed, leaning back against the pillows propped up behind me. 8:00- she would be starting her shift soon, a mere six blocks away. I could bring her a coffee, god knows the lab swill hadn't improved since I'd been there last.

I should wait until morning, I reasoned- keep preparing for the case. I glanced back down at the file in my lap with a furrowed brow, scanning over it momentarily before tossing it unceremoniously onto the bed. I picked up my glass from the bedside table, tipping back the remains of the amber liquid, reveling in the way it burned.

I grabbed my keys, pausing in front of the full length mirror near the door to scrutinize my reflection. I forced my fingers through tired hair, as though that would somehow transform it. I looked tired, like someone who hadn't slept properly in months, but that was nothing new. My dark t-shirt was tucked into high waisted jeans, taking advantage of a rare day of casual dress. I met my own icy gaze in the mirror, running a hand over my hair once more for good measure. Despite my obvious exhaustion, I looked good. The mild effect of the whiskey gave me a renewed confidence which filtered straight into my sauntering gait, grabbing my wallet as I headed out the door.

* * *

The walk was shorter than I had expected, the cafe nearly abandoned when I passed by. It was in a small brick building, tucked back on the corner of a side street, hidden behind a large Oak. It was the place Sara and I would go when Franks was too busy, or we wanted to be alone. It's strange to think of it like that, as it wasn't a conscious consideration at the time, but in hindsight the best part of being there was that her attention had been entirely mine. We'd had a lot of tough conversations here, consoled each other after rough cases. During my last year in Vegas, before the abduction and the indiscretions and my heart being wrenched out of my chest, it was here that I found myself falling for her. It happened slowly, across the small wooden tables- sipping sweet coffee or dark beer, laughing at my bad jokes, locking her foot securely around mine beneath the table as I tried not to tear up over another dead mother, another dead child. I managed to slip in just as they were closing up with an apology and a large tip for the inconvenience.

The lab was quiet as I wandered in, noting a few familiar faces as I sauntered through the halls. I poked my head into the breakroom, finding nothing but new chairs and a pretty blonde who seemed far too young to be there, glancing lazily up from a magazine to offer me a smile.

"Hey, can I help you with anything?" she asked, taking a sip from a worn out LVPD mug.

"I'm looking for Sara Sidle… I might have gotten here a bit early"

She chuckled, leaning back in her chair. "I doubt it, she's never here less than half an hour early. I haven't seen her yet, but you should check the locker room"

I offered her a grateful smile, turning down the hall.

There were so many memories tied to that small, forgettable room. I'd broken down in front of Nick in there, after a long night and a tough loss. We'd celebrated Greg's birthday in between a double shift- twenty minutes spent sipping champagne out of mugs from the breakroom and laughing harder than I had in a while, trying to be inconspicuous enough that Ecklie wouldn't notice all of us crammed into the small space.

There was that night we don't talk about. I had gone over the line at a crime scene- taken off after a dangerous, obnoxious suspect and ended up wounded and angry as hell. Once we got back to the lab, Sara had all but shoved me into the locker room, back into the showers. The absolute fury she was spouting as I defended myself fiercely all died the moment I recognized her anger as fear. In the sudden quiet, she gently pulled my white blouse out of my pants, unbuttoning a few of the buttons with shaky fingers to survey the damage to my ribs where a chair had been smashed against them. She stared at the angry marks against my skin with a furrowed brow before meeting my gaze with a pained intensity. I don't remember breathing as she leaned in to press a lingering kiss to the bruise forming against my cheekbone. She grasped my hand, repeating the impossibly soft action against my sore knuckles. Her cold fingertips brushed over my bruising ribs as she looked at me with a soft frown before pressing her lips against mine. It was tender and raw and fragile, the moment quickly broken as Catherine burst in through the breakroom doors to tear straight into me. I've wondered a thousand times what would have happened had she not interrupted, though it doesn't matter now. It was two weeks before she was abducted by Natalie Davis. It was the beginning of our end.

I pressed my eyes shut for a moment, forcing those thoughts back before glancing into the small room. She was shrugging off her jacket and a wave of nerves immediately washed through me, taking me slightly off guard. I watched as she slid off her rings slowly, distracted by something unseen. She looked beautiful, dark hair longer than I remembered it being, skin tanned from the relentless desert sun.

"You're a predictable woman" I mused eventually with a crooked smile, sauntering into the room. Her head snapped towards the door, wide eyes meeting mine in surprise.

"You're early for shift" I elaborated, pausing my slow advance a few feet away from her. "I brought you coffee"

"What… are you doing here?" she asked, a smile slowly lighting up her face as she pushed her locker shut blindly, immediately closing the distance between us. I let out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding as her arms wrapped around me, dark hair brushing against my cheek.

"I've got a court case in town, thought I would swing by" I answered softly against her hair, wishing I'd put the coffee down so I could hug her properly, one arm sliding firmly around her waist. She smelled familiar, like patchouli and heartbreak. Like summer evenings at lake Mohave. Like home.

I reluctantly let her go, unable to shake my smile as my eyes scanned over her- her summer freckled skin, her untameable hair.

"You smell like whiskey" she mused, eyes smiling teasingly.

"Have you ever tried to read though a twenty page civil suit case without a drink?" I asked, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear. She chuckled, shaking her head lightly.

"No, I haven't" she conceded, smile still pulling at her lips; that familiar lilt to her gravelly voice. I passed her the coffee, rewarded with a grateful grin.

"How long are you in town"

"A few days" I answered, folding my arms over my chest, suddenly unsure what to do with my hands.

"Can we catch up? Grab dinner?"

I smiled, giving her a soft nod. "I'd like that"

She grasped my arm lightly, leading me out into the hall and I wondered where this tactile side of her had come from. Not that I was complaining.

"Where are you staying?"

"The Ponderosa Inn- that little place a few blocks over"

She turned this over in her mind a few times, I could see the thoughts circulating behind her eyes. Ultimately she remained quiet, offering a soft nod.

"I uh, have no plans tomorrow if you want to grab dinner when you're out of court?"

I nodded, earning a pursed lip smile from her.

"I'm not sure if you've seen him yet, but Brass was here for a meeting with Ecklie. I think he's still around, I know he'd love to see you"

"I'll see if I can track him down" I said, catching sight of another blonde woman in the distance glancing over at us with a look of curious intrigue. My eyes drifted back to Sara who glanced over her shoulder, letting out a quiet sigh.

"I should get to work". She met my gaze steadily, a smile pulling at her lips. "It's really good to see you"

My throat felt suddenly tight, a hundred repressed emotions lingering at the cusp of my consciousness. This was going to be a tricky three days to navigate gracefully. Not trusting my voice I just let my lips pull into a lazy smile, giving her a soft nod of acknowledgement.

She turned to go, spinning back around after a few steps.

"Oh, Sof"

I glanced back, raising an eyebrow in question.

"Thanks for the coffee"

I smiled, butterflies swarming softly through my chest as she pursed her lips into a smile before turning back towards the other woman who had fixed her with an expression of curious amusement. "Sof? Who is that?" I heard her ask quietly as I turned to go in search of Jim, feeling lighter than I had in weeks.


	4. Chapter 4

_Thanks for reading, and for the feedback! It's much appreciated._

* * *

Splashing cold water onto my face, I rubbed my tired eyes. What was supposed to be an easy albeit slightly boring day in court had turned out to be far more emotionally draining than expected. Listening to three accounts of people who had lost their loved ones and weren't able to find peace was a specific sort of devastating.

Straightening up, I grabbed a paper towel, glancing in the mirror at my reflection. My hair that had begun in a sleek ponytail was now loose and defeated. The sleeves of my white blouse had been slowly bunched up throughout the day to combat the stuffy heat of the courtroom. A button on my black vest had worked its way out and I eyed it in the mirror, absently reattaching it as I considered whether this was a dinner appropriate look.

A woman wandered into the washrooms behind me, not garnering my attention until she stopped a few feet away, crossing strong arms over her chest.

"It's certainly good to see your face"

My gaze shot up in the mirror, locking with identical, icy eyes. Turning around, I regarded her with a frown of confusion. She looked beautiful as ever in a simple black suit, thick hair pulled into a braid that fell over a slim shoulder, more white than blonde these days.

"What are you doing here?"

She quirked an eyebrow, a smile pulling at the corner of her lips. I offered a sheepish half smile.

"Hi, it's good to see you too" I back pedaled, moving forward into her arms for a brief hug.

"I had a meeting with Judge McCullagh and ran into Eric, he told me he'd seen you at the civil suit hearing and I thought I'd catch you on your way out"

She grasped my hand gently, leading me out of the bathrooms, into the sunlit foyer of the old building. Dropping down onto an empty bench, my eyes trailed slowly over her soft features; her pale skin that had somehow retained its smooth beauty despite the painstaking years she had put into this stressful career. She had a way of defying all odds with a grounded sort of ease, and though it was her smarts, her wit, her resilience; her unfaltering confidence that garnered respect, her beauty added powder to that loaded gun. It wasn't always easy, being her daughter.

"I'm more interested in what you're doing here"

I nodded in the direction of the vacant courtroom. "Representing the department in the hearing"

Bright eyes bore straight into mine for a long moment and I silently cursed her for whatever was about to come out of her mouth.

"This is below your rank, Sofia"

I rolled my eyes, leaning back against the bench.

"It's not and you know that. Norah was supposed to be the one here, I offered myself up because they need her down there"

"Darling, offering to go on inter-state trips to sit in on doomed hearings isn't the way to earn anyone's respect"

I scoffed, crossing my arms protectively over my chest as my teeth clamped down on the inside of my cheek, attempting to stave off my growing irritation.

"I'm the Captain of a Capital City police department, I wouldn't be holding that position if I weren't well respected"

Sighing, her bright eyes travelled over my tired features. She reached out to gently trace her thumb over the two creases indented between my knitted eyebrows, as though to say '_relax_'.

"And I'm proud of you, I know how hard you've worked to get where you are. But there's going to be a shift in the order of things soon, and I just want you to be prepared for that"

My frown deepened, pushing her hand gently away.

"What do you mean?"

She met my gaze again, resting her arm against the back of the bench casually.

"I'm retiring at the end of this year, and I'm offering my position to Paul White"

My lips parted as though to speak, though no words came out. Just a short, audible inhalation. Paul White was our Chief of Police, the charismatic head of the Carson City Police Department. He was a solid choice for a replacement, but my mother was hardly the type for an early retirement. She had entered the academy at 18 and never stopped running, aside from a brief, unplanned hiatus to bring me into the world. She was still 8 years from mandatory retirement age, and the department had been her entire life. My thoughts immediately began spiraling- was she sick? Had something happened?

As though she could see the uneasy thoughts tumbling through my mind, her hand came to rest on my knee gently.

"It's just time for something else, that's all. And Paul is looking for a change, so the timing is perfect"

I wondered if Paul's torrid and wildly inappropriate affair with Lea had anything to do with this relocation opportunity, though it didn't really matter. He would appoint Norah as Chief, that much I was sure of. That meant I was in the prime position to step into the role of Deputy Chief.

I frowned, glancing down at my hands before looking back up at her. "I don't believe that there's not more to it than that"

A smile played over her lips, shrugging lightly. "Most people in our line of work are long retired by 57, don't turn this into more than it is. There's more to life than career"

My frown deepened at those foreign words, the sudden buzz of my phone tearing me out of this matrix of a conversation. I kept a suspicious eye on her as I raised the phone to my ear.

"_Hey, are you done court already? I expected your voicemail_"

I relaxed at the sound of Sara's gravelly voice, dropping the phone down to my shoulder as my mother made a move to stand.

"I still want to talk about this. Can we meet for coffee before I go into court tomorrow?"

"I'll meet you here at 7" she agreed, giving my shoulder a gentle squeeze before immediately regarding an important looking man from across the room who met her gaze with a jovial grin. I leaned back against the bench, raising the phone to my ear.

"It ended earlier than expected, thank god for that" I said, glancing at the large, elaborate clock above the entrance way- 4:00.

"_I tried to make reservations at Cactus Club but they were booked up, and I know how you feel about going downtown_…"

"A tourist swamp nightmare" I mumbled, hearing the smile painting her words.

"_Exactly. So why don't you just come over? It's quiet, I'll make dolmades"_

I quirked an eyebrow at that, a smile ghosting over my lips. "Since when do you cook?"

"_Since realizing I can't live on take-out forever_. D_oes that sound good_?"

"Yeah, I'm heading straight over so don't mind my disheveled court look"

She chuckled as I stood up, starting towards the door.

"_I'll try to overlook it_"

* * *

I spent too long in the wine section of an upscale liquor store, processing the unexpected conversation with my mother while pretending to have any concept of what pairs well with Greek food. Finally settling on an overpriced Chardonnay with a label elaborate enough to convince me it must be good, I headed towards the beautiful outskirts of West Las Vegas.

In my mind, Sara's place was still a tiny one bedroom apartment with plum colored walls and books stacked precariously in every corner. A bed with dark sheets that was rarely made and smelled faintly of patchouli. Blackout curtains. A guitar tucked away behind her couch that she only played once for me- an experience that would have stolen my heart had I not already been madly in love. A fridge covered in pictures and takeout menu's. It had been a stark contrast to my own place- warmer, more alive.

Driving through her neighbourhood now felt surreal- sports cars parked in large driveways, enormous houses hidden from view behind elaborate gates. My old Ford pickup must have looked suspiciously out of place winding along the tree-lines road, past a group of well dressed women walking small dogs, eyeing me uneasily. I chuckled at the irony, keeping an eye out for the address she had texted me.

I slowed down next to a driveway that wound up to a white stucco style home, set back behind a few twisted Junipers, a huge Cottonwood tree shading the front yard. Pulling up next to her Prius, I was greeted by a rock garden punctuated with native plants- blooming Indian Paintbrush, large Agaves, a few white Lupines scattered back near the house.

"Jesus" I muttered to myself, taking in all the details. A large Dogwood tree was in full bloom at the side of the house, and for a fleeting moment I wondered if she remembered how much I loved them. _Of course she doesn't_. I rolled my eyes at myself, grasping the rear view mirror and tilting it down to quickly check my appearance. Deciding to leave my loose ponytail as it was, I adjusted my blouse for good measure, grabbing the wine and pushing open the rusty door.

I rang the bell, glancing at the succession of floor to ceiling windows; the plants that seemed almost more prevalent inside than out. In the few years since I had been gone, her life had clearly taken an impressive turn.

She answered the door in bare feet and jeans that were worn through the knees; a plain dark t-shirt, hair loose and somewhat managed. She smiled at me, eyes trailing over my state of dress as my own eyes dropped down to survey myself- a tiny coffee stain at the corner of my blouse, my badge that I had forgotten to take off still attached to my belt.

"Captain" she greeted, pursing her lips softly. I smiled sheepishly as I pushed my aviators on top of my head, grasping my badge and un-attaching it with my free hand as I moved inside.

"This place is incredible" I stated as I tilted my head back to look at the skylights, the golden light of early evening flooding through the open space; a large fern hanging over the sitting area to the right.

"Thanks. I wanted something smaller, but Gil has a strange affinity for the grandiose and talked me into it" she told me as I followed her towards the kitchen. "Which I'm grateful for" she added, shooting me a smile over her shoulder.

As we made our way through the house I noted the wooden walls, the simplistic nature photos hung up throughout, and suddenly it felt more like Sara. A California beach house feel in the middle of the Nevada desert. The smell of onions and spices wafted over me as we entered the kitchen, once again amused by the concept of her cooking.

"Smells good" I commented, completely distracted by every minor detail of this place.

"I hope so" she replied as she resumed her cooking. "How was court?"

"Draining" I mused, pulling open a random cupboard in search of wine glasses. "Ran into my mother"

A half smile pulled at her lips as she stirred the contents of the pot. "How is Chief Curtis?"

"Retiring" I stated, glancing over to meet her surprised gaze pointedly before trying another cupboard, pulling two large glasses out of it. She turned to face me, frown knitting her dark eyebrows.

"What? I thought they would have to drag her out of that place by her teeth"

"So did I" I exclaimed, searching through a couple of drawers before finding a cork screw. "She told me that 'career isn't everything'. So clearly something is going on"

Uncorking the bottle, I caught sight of her pursed lip smile, pausing momentarily to send her a bemused look.

"What?"

"Nothing. You uh, have this way of making yourself at home wherever you are. It's charming" she mused, turning back to the frying pan with a smile.

I watched her for a long moment, ignoring the nervous flutter that being called charming elicited. I hadn't even noticed the ease of my actions, and for a moment I considered telling her that it had more to do with being around her than anything else. That she felt like home. But this wasn't the time for any digs towards unearthing the past. Tonight was for finding out how she was holding up without receiving the infuriating mantra of '_I'm fine'_. About reminding her that despite everything, I was there.

"Maybe she's seeing someone" she suggested, eliciting a quiet snort from me as I turned my attention back to pouring the wine.

"Right"

"I know you don't like to hear this, but your mother is a catch"

I shot her a mock glare, passing her a glass which she accepted gratefully.

"She's a powerful woman with this grounded charm. And she's looking pretty good for 57" she continued, meeting my gaze as she raised the glass to her smirking lips. "So I hear"

Dinner, to my surprise, was delicious. She told me about the cooking classes she took in Paris to keep herself busy. About the wonders of Costa Rica. The wine that we had tossed back with the intention of being sober by 9 had created a delightfully warm buzz, and as we settled onto the couch in the gorgeous plant sanctuary that was her living room, I chose to drop onto the center section instead of the edge, putting us closer than necessary. She didn't seem to mind, pulling long legs up beneath her as she draped an arm casually over the top of the couch.

She asked about life in Carson City, about the job. I meant to keep it brief, not to delve into anything too personal, but between the wine and her warm eyes, I found myself telling her about working beneath Norah; about the self-help books and sad yellow flowers.

I was acutely aware of everything- the way her eyes squinted ever so slightly when I said something that seemed to concern her. The throaty sound of her laughter. The soft Californian lilt to her voice, clinging to the edge of certain words. The way her knee would brush my hand every so often when she shifted, a soft reminder of her skin against mine.

"Are you seeing anyone" she asked eventually, taking a drawn out sip of water. I smiled, leaning against my propped up hand.

"Not really, unless you count Leonard"

She nodded slowly, the slightest knit of her eyebrows the only indication of what she was feeling.

"He's my cat" I explained with a lazy grin.

A smile pulled at her lips, chuckling softly. "Cute"

I thought about leaving it at that, but it felt wrong not to tell her the full truth.

"I've had a… casual thing with a woman at work for a couple of years" I told her with a dismissive shake of my head. "But it's not a relationship"

She took another long sip of water.

"Why not?"

I shrugged, reaching back to absently tighten my mess of a ponytail.

"She's 29" I admitted, reason enough right there. She raised an eyebrow softly and I sighed, dropping my hands down in my lap. "I'm not looking for that from her, or anyone. She's had a rough few years as well and we've just been… helping each other through it"

It had started after a rough day at work- a brutal case resulting in a few near misses that had rattled us all. Norah and I ended the day in my office, disheveled and shaken, sharing a few stiff drinks. I had been on my way out when Cassidy slipped into my office with a few files, dropping them onto my desk before proceeding to tell me that I was the bravest person that she knew. That I had no idea how gorgeous I was. I had made an honest effort to protest, but she had taken off her shirt and kissed me with a gentle ferocity, and between the whiskey and my desire for distraction, I relented.

After a few uneasy months of ricocheting violently between passion and denial, we settled into a friendship that held the benefit of sex whenever we craved the distraction or release. We'd managed to keep it from everyone except Norah, who took every opportunity to tease me relentlessly about it. In her world, things were either black or white. There was no such thing as grey.

"I'm glad you have that" she told me with a smile that thinly veiled the sadness behind her warm eyes. "You deserve… all good things"

I stared back at her for a long, tense moment. We had spent three years dancing around everything that had occurred between us- the sentiments exchanged, the feel of her desperate hands. We acted as though it hadn't happened, as though I had left Vegas for a job and she had followed suit months later as a result of her experience in the desert. It was maddening, and while I wasn't one for games, we had kept this delicate two-step going for years. The words burned my tongue; the desire to lay it out in the open. Instead I tore my gaze away, picking up my water from the low oak table.

"What happened with you and Grissom?"

She chuckled, a dry sound void of any actual humor. I fully expected her to evade the question, brush it off absently, but she surprised me completely by answering.

"Well, he ended things for good about a month ago, but I've known it was over for a while now. But you know, even though I knew, it still tore me apart. It felt like… a defeat" she mused, glancing absently into the distance, at nothing in particular.

"It was never really good with us, not for any lasting period, but I held on because…" she paused, throwing her hand up tiredly. "I don't know. Some messed up sense of obligation towards seeing it through. Proving to myself that I hadn't made the wrong decision, holding onto him for so long"

Her eyes met mine briefly, pushing a hand through her hair.

"We built this fractured, chaotic life together, and even though our relationship was passionless and emotionally stunted and I felt like I was crawling out of my skin most of the time, it was safe. He was my friend, and I held onto that. Until he… severed it all"

She wiped away a stray tear before it had a chance to fall, and I was surprised by the ache her words elicited; my compassion towards her heartache over him. I finally closed that undulating distance between my hand and her knee, squeezing it as she met my gaze softly.

"At least you walked away from it with this killer house"

A laugh erupted from her throat, dispelling some of the lingering tension. I smiled, sliding my hand hesitantly away from her.

"How are you holding up?"

She sighed, shrugging lightly before offering a crooked half-smile.

"I'm fine"

I raised an eyebrow, shaking my head lightly.

"It's me, don't do that"

She sighed heavily in defeat, leaning back against the couch.

"What do you want me to say? Look at this place. I am so alone here. I'm getting divorced. The only person I've had even a moment of fun with in years was murdered, on my birthday, and I was framed for it" she listed off, eyes turning stormy.

"Greg and Nick are so supportive, but they have no real idea what's going on. And that's my fault, but how am I supposed to tell them about all of my issues with Grissom when they hold him at such high esteem? It's just been… isolating"

I nodded, hand finding the frayed fabric over her knee once again.

"I moved my mom down here from San Francisco a few months ago and she got her hands on some Gin and a bottle of pills and ended up in the hospital. She's fine, but… I feel like I have to keep an eye on her 24/7"

I squeezed her knee, nodding softly.

"So no, I'm not fine. I'm struggling. But I'm getting through it"

Her eyes eventually met mine again and I hesitated a moment before setting my glass down and turning back to her, grasping her forearm gently.

"I wish you had… I don't know, reached out. You know that I'm here for you, right?"

She smiled, dark eyes searching mine for a long moment.

"Honestly… I wasn't sure you'd want to hear from me" she answered softly, glancing away for a long moment before finding my gaze once again. "It's not like I haven't thought about it, Fia. I just… didn't want to interrupt your life"

My heart felt like a stone, weighing down my chest as I forced a breath, squeezing her arm softly. "You are _always_ a welcome interruption"

She searched my eyes, the almost imperceptible gleam behind hers the only thing giving away her emotion. After a moment it all became too intense and I used my gentle grip on her to pull her closer, enveloping her in my arms. She let out a quiet breath against my hair, relaxing into the embrace. Her dark hair brushed my cheek and I closed my eyes, reveling in the feel of having her so close. I allowed my hand to sink into her hair as my thumb brushed absently back and forth over the thin fabric of her shirt. It felt so familiar, this intimacy.

"I know I've been distant, but I'm here Sara"

I felt her smile against my neck, keeping a hold on me for a few long moments before we separated, quietly offering her thanks. Chocolate eyes met mine softly.

"It's good to have you here"

I smiled, shoving every emotion that this evening had elicited straight down as I settled back into the couch, glancing beside me at a large Ficus beginning to invade the space of the couch.

"At least you have all these plants to keep you company" I noted, taking one of the waxy leaves between my fingertips. A quiet chuckle escaped her lips, dispelling most of the lingering tension for the remainder of the evening.


	5. Chapter 5

"Sofia"

I blinked, focusing back on my mother who was staring at me expectantly from across the small bistro table, situated outside of a tiny French café that bordered the court house. A blonde eyebrow quirked, bright eyes bearing into mine and I berated myself for being so distracted.

"Sorry, what?"

She gave her head a soft, dismissive shake.

"Are you going to tell me what's on your mind?"

"Nothing, I'm just distracted by this… court hearing"

Her gaze drifted off behind me for a long moment, lingering somewhere over my shoulder before meeting mine once again.

"That's all?"

I hesitated, considering telling her some version of the truth. Something more honest than the court hearing but less transparent than trying to piece together what Sara meant last night when she told me she had thought about reaching out.

I had gotten in late, stopping by an old cop haunt to grab a much needed drink. Three pints of cheap pilsner and the unexpected company of old friends was the perfect remedy for my uneasy mind, and by the time I'd made it back to the hotel, it was far later than I'd intended. I had tossed back some Advil and managed to pull myself together well enough this morning, though the threat of a violent headache still hung at the edges of my tired mind. I decided to blame my absent mindedness on this when my phone lit up, vibrating the entire table with a loud buzz. '_Sara Sidle'_ illuminated the screen and I stared at it for a moment before raising my gaze up to meet hers.

She watched me with an unnerving level of scrutiny and I thought about ignoring it, calling her back once I was alone, but my mother interrupted my thoughts with a sigh, nodding towards whatever had caught her attention behind me.

"She's here, Sofia. Answer the phone"

I turned on the iron chair, scanning the area until I caught sight of her dark figure, standing awkwardly in front of the court house steps. I bit back a smile, shooting my mother an apologetic glance.

"I'll be right back"

I wandered past the small Alder trees lining the sidewalk, casting long shadows against the cracked cement. The smell of fresh tar and Lilacs lingered strangely in the desert air, heavy and nauseating.

"Good morning" I drawled quietly into my phone.

"Hey, good morning" she greeted, a smile softening her tense features. "I thought I would return the favour and bring you coffee this morning, but I'm realizing that… maybe doesn't make sense"

She shifted uncomfortably, looking out of place among the well-dressed court crowd in her leather jacket and dusty boots; her perpetually wild hair.

"Bringing me coffee always makes sense" I assured her, pausing next to one of the spindly trees to watch her for a moment- her little nuances, her pursed lip smile. "I was just grabbing breakfast with my mother"

She rolled her eyes softly, dropping the hand grasping the coffee down near her hip as she glanced around wearily. "Listen, I didn't really think this through. You're busy. Can I pay you back later with a drink instead?"

I moved towards her, her gaze looking through me for a moment before registering me with an air of surprise. I sauntered towards her, hanging up the phone.

"Can I accept both?" I asked with a lazy smile, fingers brushing hers as I slipped the warm coffee cup from her loose grasp.

Her lips pursed into a smile, tucking a lock of dark hair behind her ear.

"I suppose"

My gaze travelled over her dishevelled form- dark shirt crumpled, chocolate eyes tired as I searched them for a hint as to what she was feeling.

"You okay?" I asked softly, reaching out to fix the folded collar of her jacket absently. She nodded, glancing momentarily away.

"Yeah, just… long night" she assured me, gaze eventually drifting back to mine with a soft, reassuring smile. "I uh, asked for the night off and Russel was so thrilled that he talked me into taking two. I don't want to assume that you've got nothing better to do, but…"

I bit back a grin, raising the cup to my lips.

"Morgan and Finn sort of invited themselves over tonight, something about a post birthday celebration. They wanted to go out but I turned that down, so they decided to come over, which is… worse" she mused, lips quirking up into a soft smile. "Will you come?"

I chuckled, nodding softly. "Yeah, I'll come"

"Great" she smiled, gaze drifting behind me. Dark eyebrows knit softly for a split second before her lips pulled into a forced smile, offering a quick wave over my shoulder. I glanced back at my mother, sitting casually in a patch of sunshine, sipping her coffee with an air of indifference.

"She doesn't like me does she" Sara stated. They had only come face to face a handful of times, each encounter more awkward than the last. I'm not sure what exactly it was about her that seemed to send Sara- the picture of relaxed confidence- into such a tailspin, but it was a bemusing thing to witness.

"She doesn't like anyone, don't take it personally" I assured her. She sighed, gaze lingering over my shoulder for a long moment before focusing back on me with a quiet chuckle. "Yeah, right"

A warm gust of wind swept through the open space, ruffling my navy blouse. Sara pushed a hand through her wild hair to keep it out of her eyes, squinting lightly against the sudden up-rise of dust, offering me a soft smile. "I'll let you get back to breakfast. People are coming over around 6 tonight, but come earlier if you want… or later. Come whenever"

"I shouldn't be out of here too late today, we're getting close to wrapping it"

An emotion flashed through her eyes that I couldn't quite decipher- something between panicked and pained- before it was gone and that easy smile pulled at her lips, giving me a soft nod.

"Thanks for the coffee" I offered softly as she took a step backwards. Her gaze drifted down over my form, lingering on the badge clinging to my belt before meeting mine again.

"Have a good day, Capitan"

My smile began fading the moment I turned around, wandering back toward the café. I revelled in the warmth of the sun as I dropped down into my seat, folding tanned arms over my chest in preparation for whatever comments she was sure to have about our reunion. Questions she was sure to pose. She regarded me for a long, silent moment before speaking.

"I wish you had just told me you were here for her"

I frowned, giving my head a single shake. "I'm not…"

"Please don't insult me, Sofia" she interrupted tiredly. "I know how you feel about her"

My frown deepened, a quiet scoff escaping my lips. I considered denying it further, but her tone had left no room for evasion.

"… you do?"

She chuckled softly, tipping her head back as she raised her arms into a casual stretch, hair illuminated by the golden light.

"Of course"

"… how?"

She relaxed back into her seat, pulling her thick braid over her shoulder absently. "You remember that girl you were crazy about back in high school… Jenna Evans? You had this way of looking at her, like you'd never been so fascinated by someone. It's the same way you look at her"

I felt a blush creep onto my cheeks at her words, taking a long sip of coffee to hide my discomfort. At 17, Jenna wasn't the first girl I had been with, but she was the first one I had loved. I had been so certain that my parents were oblivious, though I suppose I should have known better than that. I offered a sheepish smile over the top my cup.

"I didn't know you knew about that"

"You're not exactly subtle about your feelings, darling" she mused, taking a bite out of her croissant as her attention was drawn to the gathering crowd near the court house doors.

"She's having a hard time, I just… wanted to check in" I explained, picking at the edge of my paper cup absently.

"Well you're a capable woman, I don't have to tell you to be careful" she said, though I saw straight through those false confidences.

"I'm not 17 anymore, I can handle it"

She laughed at this- a quiet, genuine laugh- meeting my gaze with a tender kindness that I knew was reserved solely for me.

"Sweetheart, getting older doesn't make you immune to heartache, and it certainly doesn't make you any smarter when it comes to love. It's a nice thought, but really we're all just fools when it comes to that"

I bit back my irritation at her condescending words, allowing them as I had nothing to counter them with. She was entirely correct.

"I'm not going to pretend to know what went on… is going on… with you two. I just know that she's hurt you. And I know you still love her. So, be careful"

She punctuated that statement with a point of her fork before focusing back on the remains of her breakfast. I sighed, shifting in the uncomfortable chair.

"Alright, well now that that… deeply personal bit of information is out there, will you tell me why you're leaving the department?"

"I told you, it's just time to close that chapter of my life" she explained dismissively, gaze drifting from the court house to the cloudless sky; following the path of a young waitress with dark hair tied up in a messy French twist.

I raised an eyebrow in bemusement, giving my head a soft shake. "It's not just a 'chapter of your life', you've been a cop for 39 years. What changed?"

"And retiring on my 40th seems perfect, doesn't it?"

"Mom" I warned.

She sighed, gaze finally coming back to meet mine.

"I met someone" she admitted quietly. I felt my eyebrows knit tightly together, physically taken aback. _What?_

"What?"

She chuckled, tipping her head back into the sunlight, closing her eyes and soaking it in for a long moment. Her beauty was like the edge of a very sharp knife. Even with the soft lines accenting her features; her strong frame a little more delicate than it once was, her beauty held a certain effortlessness that seemed to take everyone slightly off guard.

I'd had a strange relationship with her since I was young- resentful of the long, strange hours that she kept, yet determined to mirror everything that she was. Even at 16, rebelling childishly with my cheap cigarettes, hair chopped into an uneven pixie, dating boys who rode motorcycles and drank too much, spewing big talk about joining the peace corps and leaving Vermont for good- I ultimately knew it would all come back to this. Joining the academy, following her out West.

Bright eyes met mine and I shot her an expectant look under which she relented with a quiet sigh.

"His name is Neil, he teaches Biology at UNLV. He's been offered a grant to do field work in the Cayman Islands next year, and I'm going with him" she explained, examining her short nails absently. "Lay on a beach, try to relax or something"

I stared at her blankly for a long moment before my face broke into a grin, chucking quietly. The thought of my mother relaxing on a beach was about as foreign a concept as anything I'd heard. She hadn't relaxed a day in her life- vacations always seemed to have her more on edge than being in the thicket of it all. She found her calm in the center of chaos- it's what had made her an incredible leader and a terrible wife.

She hadn't had any real relationship that I'd known of since my father passed away 12 years prior. She may not have been the ideal woman for him, but he had loved her fiercely and I'm not sure she had ever forgiven herself for not offering him more. I'd watched men try and fail to win her affections over the years, so this- disarming as it was- felt like a relief.

"Were you ever planning to tell me about him?" I asked, biting back a smile as she sat forward, tipping back the rest of her black coffee before meeting my gaze with a look that effectively shut down any more personal questions.

"You're going to be late for court"


	6. Chapter 6

"Don't bring him in until I'm back, I want to talk to him"

I wound around the corner of an avenue lined with large Oak trees, their wild branches reaching out for each other across the quiet street. My arm rested against the window frame as I passed through patches of golden sunlight, the hot evening air playing through my tired hair.

We managed to wrap the hearing up in two days, the verdict exactly what I had expected. Angry family members and eager news reporters had swarmed us as we made our way from the stuffy courtroom into the relentless heat of late afternoon. I had weaved through the chaos with a practiced ease, flipping aviators down onto my nose and allowing the vultures to overtake any amateur who made the fatal mistake of giving them a moment's attention.

A last minute video conference held me at the department for an hour and a half, going over the problematic drug bust from the week before. Both the D.A and the D.E.A saw it as a massive failure on our part, despite the multiple arrests and seizure of $200,000 worth of narcotics. I eased their minds with a false display of patience, promising them there was little more we could have done. It was an exhausting and integral part of my job, talking down the higher ups.

By 7 I was rushing back to the hotel to slip into the most casual outfit I'd bothered to bring- jeans that hugged my figure, a slate grey button up that I rolled to my elbows. I dragged a brush through my hair until it turned to silk, now windblown and unkempt from the open windows.

Norah had called me to discuss an ongoing investigation as I was scouring the beer fridge of a nearby liquor store, revelling in the almost painful feel of cold air against my overheated skin. I was searching for a cheap beer that Sara and I had drank religiously one summer- a reward after long trail runs through the canyons; cooling us off on the beach when the tepid lake water wasn't enough. The draining conversation had taken me all the way to the suburbs.

"And when exactly will that be?"

I sighed, letting the warm air play over my fingertips.

"Soon"

"Okay but what does that mean? You could technically be home by morning…"

"I've got plans tonight" I told her, praying that she would drop it.

"Do those plans involve a recently divorced brunette and bad decisions, because I can think of a hundred better uses of your time"

"I'm just having drinks with friends, I should be home by tomorrow night"

She sighed and I could almost see her leaning back in her expensive office chair, fingertips drumming against a small glass of Whiskey as was our tradition on Friday evenings. That troubled look on her face that knitted her thick eyebrows together.

"You're going to get hurt, you know that" she stated, a direct warning. I chuckled, pushing windblown hair behind my ear as I turned onto Sara's manicured street.

"Yeah, that ship sailed a long time ago. I'm just… trying to be her friend again, that's all"

"…I can't hear you"

I puffed out a breath of annoyance, leaning towards my phone that was on speaker in the center console.

"That ship has sailed, Quinn" I spoke loudly at the device, turning into Sara's winding driveway. "I'll call you tomorrow"

"You know, it would be easier to talk if you just got a grown up vehicle" she chastised as I reached over to end the call with an irritated goodbye.

I was surprised by the number of cars as I wound up the paved path, feeling slightly deflated by the thought of a house full of people. I had much more selfish ideas for the evening, which involved a few hours spent with her friends before stealing her attention for the rest of the night.

It was a dangerous thought. Dinner the night before had been relatively safe, with a set deadline and the limit of a single bottle of Chardonnay. A few drinks and the entire night to ourselves left a lot of room for me to say or do something unadvisable, and I wasn't here to reopen old wounds. I was here to reaffirm my friendship and check in on her uneasy mind. I promised myself I'd repeat that like a mantra for the rest of the night. It was good that her house was full of observant eyes.

Pulling up next to a champagne colored sedan, I twisted around to grab the beer from the back seat, kicking open my door which protested with a tired groan. Wandering around my truck, I caught sight of Greg heading down the paved walkway, past the wildflowers and blooming agave.

"I was afraid I wasn't going to see you" he spoke though a smile.

He looked different than the last time I had seen him- less of that youthful exuberance, more well-balanced composure. Even his hair had settled into a middle aged calm, the years marking his eyes softly as he smiled.

I pushed my sunglasses up with a grin, opening my free arm as he approached, enveloping me in a tight embrace.

"It's good to see you" I spoke against his shoulder, voice lightly muffled by his t-shirt.

"I really wish I didn't have to go, but someone's got to work tonight"

I offered a sympathetic smile, raising the six pack up slightly in offering.

"Got time for a quick beer?"

He held up his car keys in response, disappointment coloring his features. I chuckled softly, taking a step backwards to lean against the tailgate of my truck.

"I'll drink… you can keep me company"

He laughed, eyes drinking in my features for a long moment before coming to rest against the small ledge beside me.

"I could use a drink before going in there. I was expecting something a little more intimate"

"So was Sara, I think Finn got a little overzealous with the invites. It's not so bad, but there _is_ an overall sense of curiosity about you in there" he warned with a warm smile.

I uncapped my beer with a latch below the tailgate, listening as he launched into a brief recap of what I'd missed since we'd last spoken. I gave him a few of the more attractive details of my life- the beauty of Eastern Nevada, the benefits of being captain, the news about my mother.

A comfortable lull in the conversation drew his toffee eyes up to mine, a sudden air of seriousness behind them as he shifted against the small ledge.

"I'm glad we have a few minutes to talk, cause I kind of wanted to mention something"

I rested my arm against the tailgate, cool against my bare skin as I turned to offer him my full attention.

"It's about Sara… I know it's not my place, and I know that you would never do anything to intentionally hurt her. But just… be careful with her right now"

I quirked an eyebrow in question. "Careful… how?"

He paused for a moment, searching for the right way to phrase whatever it was he was trying to say.

"She cares about you. With everything that's been going on with her lately… I'm just afraid to see her get hurt again"

I frowned, shaking my head softly in confusion.

"Greg, I don't know what…"

"She was a mess after you left" he interrupted, effectively silencing me. "Everyone blamed it on what happened in the desert, wrote it off as PTSD, which of course played a part. But… I knew there was more to it than that"

My breath caught lightly in my throat, praying my face didn't give away the unnecessary sense of panic his words aroused. I had been so confident that whatever it was we were doing had slipped completely below everyone's radar. How had he known?

"I never asked, she doesn't even know that I knew, but…" he searched my gaze for a moment, as though to test the waters. "She drank out of that old, cracked LVPD mug you left at the lab for two months straight, and wouldn't look your replacement officer in the eyes"

I stared at him, fingers tightening around the cool bottle absently, clinging to his words.

"She worked constantly. She cried over some sappy love song on the way to a crime scene and refused to talk about it. And I kind of assumed it wasn't over some tenderness towards Grissom"

I chuckled softly, despite the ache spreading violently through my chest.

"I knew you guys were close, but it wasn't till after you left that I put it together" he glanced over at the house absently, the soft trill of evening songbirds filling the silence. The hum of a car driving by.

"I guess what I'm trying to say is that you have this effect on her. And while she's not exactly fragile, I don't want to see her hurt any more than she has been. She gets a little… unpredictable"

The sound of indistinct voices drifted from the side yard, my eyes shifting towards the house in search of her. I eventually focused back on Greg who was fixing me with a tender gaze, as though to apologize for feeling the need to voice this. I let a smile drift over my lips, reaching out to give his shoulder a gentle squeeze.

"I would never hurt her, Greg. I'm just here to… be her friend. Check in"

But I had hurt her. We'd hurt each other. I know my heart had been in a hopeless state when I drove away from this city with my entire life in hastily packed boxes. A flash of dark hair caught my attention, and I watched her step out into the side yard with a wide grin, eyes locking with mine.

"She loves you" he stated quietly- something of a promise. More of a warning.

We both watched as she wandered through the yard- bare feet against cool grass, dark jeans hugging her long legs, a simple brown t-shirt with a wooden necklace hanging low. Wild hair. _Good god._

I tipped back a long sip of beer before tearing my gaze away to glance at him briefly. "That was a long time ago" I assured him as she padded towards us.

"Hey, I thought you were leaving"

"You kicking me out of here?" He teased as she approached.

"You're hogging my guest" she countered, words drawn out beneath that soft lilt, eyes meeting mine with a crooked smile as she came to stand directly in front of me. I regarded her with bemusement as her gaze dropped down to focus intently on my shirt, the smell of smoky whiskey and earth invading my senses.

"She's all yours" he conceded, holding his hands up in surrender. I wasn't sure what to do with my hands as she reached up to touch the soft fabric, threading a small, perfect dogwood blossom through a buttonhole. The backs of her knuckles dragged gently over the golden skin of my chest as she adjusted the long stem, and I tried to ignore the electric currents that suddenly sparked to life beneath her touch, travelling south through my body, with a short detour through my heart.

Her gaze flicked up to meet mine for a second, as though to say _of course I remember_.

A run through the suburbs in early June had taken us past a small park with large Dogwood trees, months before I had left. We'd had one growing in front of our house when I was young, and she had laughed at the way I reacted to the sight of them in full bloom- my childlike excitement so entirely out of character.

I'm not exactly the poetic type, I'm not even sure I could list more than a handful of things that properly move me. Twilight in the canyons; the first stars appearing in a muted blue sky. The worn out photo of my father and I sitting on the steps of our old Winnebago when I was 5- my hair like white sand, my toothless grin. The metallic click of handcuffs after a long chase. Dogwood trees in full blossom. Sara- smiling; beneath me; tucking a flower into my crumpled shirt.

Unable to find the right words for that oddly intimate gesture, I reached behind me to grab a tepid beer, pressing it into her hand, the glass wet with condensation. Her eyes grazed over the label, chuckling softly at the familiarity.

"Thanks" she reached down to easily uncap it with the small, hidden latch and this easy, unspoken intimacy that existed between us brought on a sudden wave of comfort and nostalgia and overwhelming nausea. I was careful not to meet Greg's gaze, certain of what I would find in it.

She turned to face him, shoulder brushing mine as she tipped back a long sip of beer, casual as ever.

"If any evidence comes through on the Stephenson case, you'll let me know?"

"Yeah, but please don't worry about that tonight"

"Yes sir" she pursed her lips into a lazy smile before nudging my arm softly. "Come inside"

My feet remained rooted in place for a long moment, watching her walk towards the house. I absently touched the flower tucked into my shirt, fingertips grazing the soft petals. Trust Sara to do something so oddly romantic with such nonchalance, leaving you to wonder how intentional the intimacy had actually been. Feeling eyes on me, I glanced hesitantly over at Greg- an eyebrow raised, something between amusement and warning. I frowned, reaching up to slide my sunglasses down onto my nose, effectively blocking any further analysis of my feelings as I pushed off the truck.

"Goodnight Greg" I tossed over my shoulder, the sound of a quiet chuckle reaching my ears as I wandered along the short path to the house.

God help me.


	7. Chapter 7

_I hope that you're all doing okay in this strange, scary time. Sending love from my little isolation pad to yours. (The song I'm referring to them singing is 'For No One' by Houndmouth, and the song I wrote the living room scene to and referenced as 'quiet folk music' is 'Winded' by Nathaniel Rateliff, because why not add a little dimension. As always, thanks for reading) _

* * *

I tapped short nails absently against the bottle in my grasp, listening to quiet music emanating from the living room. The beer had mellowed me out, the warm atmosphere lulling me into a peaceful state. I had caught up with Nick before he left, his smiling face a welcome sight. Conversations with Archie, a drink with Morgan. Eventually I had managed to catch a moment alone in the dining room, quiet aside from a flirtatious debate going on between Finn and a man I didn't know in the corner. Two familiar officers were smoking on the patio, one of them attempting to catch my eye, smiling invitingly each time he succeeded.

An amused smile ghosted over my lips, taking the final swig of mediocre beer. If nothing else it was something to keep my confidence up, as Sara had disappeared a few minutes after calling me inside and I'd only caught flashes of her since.

The quiet sound of guitars strumming beneath the drone of music and voices had caught my attention, wandering down the hall in search of the source. Coming to a stop in the doorway of Sara's room, I'd found her and Morgan on the low vinyl couch, strumming along to a song about the sea and skinny legs. Leaning against the doorframe, I drank in the moment- Morgan's voice strong and bluesy, Sara's soft and earthy, looking comfortable as ever with a guitar in her lap. Eventually her gaze drifted up to meet mine with a lazy half smile. I stayed until the threads of my self-restraint threatened to snap, wandering back into the kitchen in search of a beer and a solid distraction.

"Sofia, what do you think? Do the Lakers have a chance this season?"

I glanced up at Finn, about to answer when I felt a presence behind me, a cool hand sliding softly onto my shoulder.

"Don't ask her about sports unless you want a rant about the absurdity of them" Sara warned, amusement coloring her voice. I tilted my head back to look up at her, met with a teasing grin. I smiled, silently willing her not to move away as I disguised the slight flush of my cheeks behind an attempted sip from my empty beer. Finn's gaze drifted between us with amused intrigue as Sara seemed to realize the intimacy of her actions, taking a step away with a quiet clearing of her throat.

"Even basketball? Come on…" the man pressed.

"Individual talents tied to some sort of state pride… I don't get it" I explained absently, distracted by Sara sliding the empty bottle out of my loose grasp, heading into the kitchen.

"The Lakers got into the playoffs on a prayer, Dawson" she tossed over her shoulder, eliciting a sigh from him while Finn let out an exasperated 'thank you'. I raised an eyebrow at her as she returned with a bottle of Merlot, two glasses resting precariously between her fingers. She'd never cared much about sports before. I wanted so much to learn everything I'd missed.

"You guys just wait, you'll be eating your words in a few weeks" he promised, giving Finn's hand a squeeze before excusing himself out onto the patio. Sara poured us each a glass and I leaned in to this familiarity- these little assumptions. She topped up Finn's wine before dropping down into the seat beside me, immediately taking purchase of the long stemmed glass.

Glancing up, I realized Finn was fixing me with the same inquisitive look she'd been giving me since I'd first arrived. I offered an uneasy half-smile, raising my glass towards her slightly before tipping back a long sip. She wandered over to sit down across from us, blue eyes drifting from me to Sara.

"So you guys know each other pretty well, huh?"

Sara shrugged, glancing over at me.

"Yeah, I guess we've been pretty close"

"And when you say 'close'…"

I felt her immediately tense beside me, fingertips tightening ever so slightly around her glass.

"Finn…" she warned, giving her head a slight shake. The blonde smiled, taking no note of the seriousness in Sara's eyes as she sat forward, lowering her voice slightly.

"Come on, it's pretty obvious that you guys-"

"Leave it alone, Finn" Sara interrupted, tension reaching her voice. She met Sara's firm gaze before sighing softly, holding up her free hand in surrender.

"Okay"

"I'm going to drink this on the patio" Sara mumbled quietly, pushing out of her chair and escaping out the sliding glass door, into the company of flirtatious men. I watched her go, cursing Finn silently as I turned back to look at her with a flash of barely concealed annoyance.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that"

She offered an apologetic smile, taking a sip of dry wine.

"Yeah" I agreed, fingertips running absently around the base of the glass.

"It's just been a long time since she's seemed genuinely happy" she mused, glancing out the doors. "I didn't mean to hit a nerve"

"Don't worry about it" I told her, though my stomach sank at the thought of Sara closing off from me; of losing our casual intimacy. If we were ever going to discuss the past, it needed to be on our own terms, not a forced conversations brought on by tactless comments.

She searched for my gaze, offering me a soft smile when my eyes finally met hers.

"You do make her happy… just in case you don't see that

* * *

Everything quieted down around ten, a few people left lingering in the living room as I slipped away from a heated debate between Morgan and Mandy, wandering out onto the patio.

String lights hung in loose rows from one end to the other, a trellis of vining succulents winding up along the seating area, continuing overtop. Terra cotta pots lined the large space, an array of native plants spilling over the thick edges. Candles flickered on the table, a few abandoned glasses littering the large surface. Sara sat at the end, staring up at the stars. She tilted her head down as I approached, dark hair brushing her collar bones, and I noticed for the first time the embers of a cigarette glowing between her fingers.

I quirked an eyebrow as I wandered towards her, sidestepping a cactus at the last minute, narrowly avoiding catastrophe.

"You're missing your party"

She smiled, exhaling a breath of smoke as I came to sit down beside her.

"I'm not sure I would call Morgan debating fingerprinting techniques with Mandy a party" she countered, and I wondered how she knew that was exactly what was going on.

"Remember when we quit smoking and ate sunflower seeds for two months straight?" I mused and she chuckled, tapping her smoke, watching as ash drifted weightlessly to the ground.

"It was a relief measure, you kept stabbing yours gums with toothpicks" she reminded me, pursing her lips into a smile. I smiled sheepishly, raising the wine glass to my lips.

"I uh, bummed this from Dawson" she admitted, leaning down to stub it out against the slate tiles. "Momentary setback"

"I've had a few of those" I admitted, tilting my head back to gaze up at the sky.

The stars were clear on the outskirts of town, Venus glowing brightly beside the low-hanging crescent moon. It was a fault of mine, never finding time for the small things. I was so constantly distracted, wrapped up in a case or an arbitrary problem or my own suffocating thoughts. I glanced over at Sara, her gaze once again focused on the stars.

She had a way of seeing everything. I loved that about her- how she would point out constellations; little flowers growing in the crevices between rocks. The way she used to notice even the faintest of injuries to my pale skin, gaze lingering on plum bruises and fresh scratches with a troubled look. I missed being loved by her.

I quieted my mind, tracing the pattern of stars; admiring the way candlelight flickered in the darkness, illuminating the vining plants. The way the light played across her freckled skin. The faint sound of music drifting in from the other room, warm and sultry. The soft, serene feeling brought on by our second bottle of wine.

Sensing her eyes on me I glanced over, a smile pulling at my lips.

"What?"

She shrugged, smiling softly.

"Nothing"

I held her gaze for a long moment before breaking away, glancing down at the thick pools of wax that had flowed over the edge of tall candles, coating the glass beneath.

"Can I ask you something?

I felt my stomach summersault at the vastness of possible questions she could have, but I simply met her gaze- an invitation to continue.

"Was it really just coincidental, you being in Vegas now?"

I stared back at her for a long moment before letting out a soft breath, cradling the wine glass in my lap.

"No" I admitted quietly. "I talked to Greg and he told me what happened… Quinn was supposed to come, but I offered to go instead. It made more sense, and I... needed to know you were okay"

I finished that statement with a drawn out sip of wine, feeling uneasy beneath her analytical gaze.

"Why? After everything… why do you care?"

That question would have put me immediately on the defence had it not come out so warmly, so full of genuine confusion. I shook my head softly, dismissively.

"I got hurt, Sara, but I didn't stop caring about you"

Her chocolate eyes bore into mine for what could have been an eternity before the sound of voices broke the moment, a handful of people filtering onto the patio to say goodnight.

Sara held my gaze, even as Morgan wandered around to drape pale arms around her neck from behind. She pressed her cheek to Sara's temple, muttering some sweet, drunken affections and I took the opportunity to slip away- squeezing Mandy's arm as I passed by with a quiet goodbye.

I wandered through the vacant house, escaping into the bright bathroom. A large photo of the California coast hung near the walk in shower, deep blues and soft greys, fog hanging low over the water. She'd taken it on a cold morning, out for a surf before the beaches filled up. It used to hang on the wall across from her bed. I loved it and it hurt to look at. My heart was a wilderness of confusion.

The tiles felt cool against my bare feet. I pressed my palms against the granite countertop, staring at myself in the large mirror- my stubborn chin, my glacial eyes, hair bleached out from the sun. I was smarter than this. Norah's words rang through my mind- _you're going to get hurt_. Did it really matter?

The amount of liquor I'd consumed over the course of the evening was nearly enough to convince me that it didn't. That one night together was better than nothing. That leaving was going to hurt regardless. I wanted her so badly the desire had settled in like a dull, relentless ache.

I pushed a hand through my hair, meeting my own gaze once again. _Be smarter than this_. I straightened the collar of my shirt, fixing a tiny smudge of mascara at the corner of my eye. If there was any advice I was sure to ignore, it was my own.

I found the porch abandoned, smoke floating up from recently extinguished candles. I grabbed my glass of wine, tipping back the last of it before wandering back inside. I padded down the hall, finding Sara in the living room, pushing shut the front door. She turned around, meeting my gaze with a soft smile as I came to a stop a few feet away.

"I should go" I spoke quietly after a drawn out moment of silence.

"Yeah, probably" she agreed, though her eyes spoke different sentiments entirely. I remained rooted in place for a few long moments before I let out a quiet sigh, slowly closing the distance between us.

Her breath hitched as my hands met her hips, moving tentatively into her space. A freckled arm slid around my waist, pulling me closer, her forehead dipping down to rest against mine. My eyes fell shut, her dark hair brushing my skin, and despite the wave of relief brought on by the feel of finally being in her arms, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. I slipped a hand beneath her thin t-shirt, resting against the soft skin of her lower back.

"I miss you" she whispered, voice heavy with emotion. I wanted so badly to reassure her, to lighten the mood despite the tears burning my own eyes. Willing myself not to be broken down by three words, I took a shaky breath, fingertips pressing into her warm flesh as I tilted my head up to capture her lips softly with mine.

Her hand tangled painfully in my hair, the other pulling me impossibly closer. Arousal washed through me in a wave so strong I forgot to breathe, hands sliding up along the soft expanse of her back.

The smell of patchouli and smoke overwhelmed me. She tasted of whiskey and honey and I brushed my tongue against hers, desperate for more. I had forgotten how much chemistry we had; how a single kiss was enough to undo me entirely.

Her hands slid down into the pockets of my jeans as mine tried to be everywhere at once, capturing her bottom lip between my teeth. A quiet moan escaped her lips, setting my entire body on fire. I pressed my palms firmly against the soft skin of her stomach, pushing her back until she collided with the sea colored door.

I felt a smile ghost over her lips, hands hastily tugging my shirt out from the waistband of my jeans, my breath hitching as her cool hands slid up to take purchase of my waist. My own hand moved up over her ribs until I reached her breast, full and bare beneath the thin shirt. She arched into my touch and I whimpered against her lips, kneading her flesh as my hips rolled into hers.

I lost track of my hands; of time. Her lips trailed down along the sensitive skin of my neck, fingertips sliding beneath the waistband at the back of my jeans, met with the feel of delicate lace. She grunted against my skin, biting down softly as she grasped my hips, easily switching our positions. My back collided softly with the door, my fingers immediately tangling in her hair, pulling her lips back to mine as her hands found the button of my jeans.

And then, suddenly, it was all too much- my desire for her. The familiarity of her desperate hands. The tiny, crushed Dogwood blossom wilting in my chest pocket. I closed my fist tightly in her hair, pouring every ounce of love I held into our kiss before breaking firmly away. I slid out from the space between her and the door, taking a few clumsy steps backwards.

"I can't do this" I panted into the charged space between us, closing my eyes for a few drawn out moments in an attempt to regain control of myself.

When I reopened them she was leaning back against the door, a slight frown furrowing her brow as she caught her breath. I could read everything in her dark eyes- sadness, confusion, lust, pleading.

"It hurts, Sara. It's too much"

She straightened up, taking a hesitant step towards me.

"This… us… it doesn't have to hurt…" she reasoned softly.

"It does" I said, voice coming out harsher than I meant for it to, pressing my lips together in an attempt to stop the trembling of my chin.

"Sofia, it doesn't…"

"It does" I snapped.

"Why?"

"Because it's been three years and I still love you" I spoke, eyes burning into hers. "Because the first time I said that to you, you fucked me and I woke up alone in your bed to a note saying 'you're sorry'. Because you married Grissom. Because we don't talk about it…"

"You wanna talk about it?" she asked, the shift in her tone so abrupt it took me off guard. Her body was suddenly tense with anger, body language on the defence.

"You left, Sofia. I had been out of the hospital for a _day_ when you showed up at my door to tell me you loved me. I was overwhelmed, I was still in a relationship, and I was _definitely_ in no place to be making monumental life decisions"

I chuckled humorlessly, wiping a stray tear away roughly with the back of my hand, cursing myself for being so weak. For starting a yelling match in her living room. For not just walking away. But we were in it now and I wasn't about to back down.

"You slept with me, you agreed to marry Grissom a _minute_ after I left, and then you fled the country. That's just a series of monumental fucking decisions"

"You didn't give me _any_ time to process. Before I could wrap my head around any of it you told me you got a job offer in Carson City, and three days later you were gone"

"Don't act like telling you I loved you was some blindsiding move, you _knew_ I did. We had been dancing around that for _months_. And waking up to an empty bed and a half-assed apology note was a pretty clear message"

I'm not sure how in the course of 50 seconds we had gone from blind passion to shouting at each other over the quiet sound of gentle folk music still filling the room. It felt out of place here, this impassioned fight, but I couldn't seem to stop the harsh words from tumbling out.

"What do you want me to say, Sofia? I fucked up" she said, brushing away a tear as the ache in my chest began overwhelming me.

"You _know_ that I loved you, but I was still in a relationship. Grissom was giving me the attention that I had craved for so long, and I convinced myself that it made sense to stay. That things would be better. I just... wanted stability. Normalcy"

Her voice had calmed down and my anger was rapidly fading into anguish, dark eyes meeting mine with a pleading sort of sadness. I knew she was trying to make me understand.

"I wish I could take it all back, but I can't. I was in no place to offer you anything close to what you deserved, and when you told me you were leaving, I…" she pushed a hand through her hair, taking a deep breath. "It would have been unfair to ask you to stay"

I pressed my lips together, nodding softly as I attempted to keep a hold on my composure.

"When you were lost in the desert, I…" I bit my lip, glancing away for a moment, unable to stop the tears that fell. "I was _terrified._ I'd never told you how I felt… not out loud, not the way you deserved to hear it. And then we found you, and I needed you to know. That it wasn't some game to me, what had been happening between us. That I was in love with you. _That's _why I told you when I did, not because I expected anything from you"

"Then why did you leave?"

"Why do you think? What the hell did you think was going to happen? You broke my heart, our friendship was broken, you were broken, everything was fucking broken"

I tore my gaze away, taking a shaky breath as I willed the tears to stop falling, my voice to stop shaking- to stop coming out 10 decibels too loud.

"I should have stayed with you that morning, I should have chosen you" she shouted, eyes pleading with me to understand. "I made a mistake. It was always you. And I lost you. And everything fell apart"

I felt a sob lodge itself in my throat as my body completely betrayed me, face crumpling as I tangled a hand in my hair, squeezing my eyes shut. _Fuck_.

She was suddenly in front of me, a hand grasping my shoulder, the other cupping my cheek, thumb gently brushing away my tears. I couldn't breathe.

"I want to fix this, Sofia. Please"

I opened my eyes to meet hers- desperate, aching.

"I can't do this right now" I pushed her away, moving around her towards the door.

"So that's it? You're going to lay all of this out on the table and then run, just like last time?"

I scoffed quietly, biting my tongue against the angry words threatening to escape.

"I came here to make sure you were okay, not make things worse"

"Please don't leave like this…"

I didn't turn around as I reached the door, knowing the sight of her pleading me to stay with her desperate eyes and kiss stained lips would be enough to keep me.

Pushing open the door, she tossed a final statement at me. A verbal knife.

"I love you"

Stepping into the warm night air, I allowed my face to crumple, pulling the door firmly shut behind me.


	8. Chapter 8

_Thank you so much for reviewing- I put a lot of energy into writing these chapters, so it means everything to get a bit of feedback, be it positive or negative or critical. I hope you're all managing to keep safe and sane in these strange times._

* * *

The soft glow of solar lamps guided me along the stone pathway, breathing in the distant smell of sagebrush and wildfire. Of blossoms and rain, a storm passing by over the mountains. I took comfort in the quiet rumble of distant thunder. Of muted howls echoing through the hills.

I'm not sure where exactly I thought I was going- too intoxicated to drive and miles from my hotel. I exhaled a soft grunt of frustration, dropping back against the door of my truck. Why was it always like this? She felt like home or she felt like a house on fire.

I ran cool hands over my tearstained face, forcing them through burnished hair. "Fuck" I breathed, letting my head fall back against the window.

This wasn't me. Emotional theatrics, liquor fueled as they may be. Pouring my heart out with no regard for the consequence. I was the queen of rationality, of compartmentalizing emotions. I'd taught myself to be nothing if not even keeled, but one look in those warm eyes and I was lost.

A lover once told me I developed the tendencies of a wounded animal when my heart was touched- lashing out, fighting anyone who tried to get close. Maybe he was right. Maybe when it came to love I was little more than a wild, frightened thing.

I wished I'd drank more water and bummed a cigarette for this predictable moment. Wished I'd let her hand slip beneath black lace. Wished my words had come out with a bit more eloquence. I kept my eyes pressed shut as the sound of quiet footsteps cut into my thoughts, only opening them once the sound came to a hesitant stop.

Exhaustion was evident in her, looking as though she had just gone ten rounds with the past. That dishevelled hair that I loved so much, swollen lips, eyes full of unspoken thoughts that I knew were too heavy to pass through the barrier of her mouth. I wanted to reassure her- offer something light and hopeful. Instead I just stared back at her with tired eyes.

I wasn't exactly sure what to expect, relief washing through me when she eventually let out a quiet sigh, moving forward to close a cool hand tentatively around my palm. When I didn't pull away, she tightened her grip, pulling me gently away from the truck. Her eyes only left mine when she was sure I wasn't going to protest, turning back towards the house.

I'm not sure what exactly she read in my gaze, but I imagined it was something similar to what I found in hers- exhaustion, heartache, the desire for intimacy. A silent surrender.

She had turned out the lights, not even the moon to offer us guidance. I wondered if coming back for me had been an afterthought, though it didn't really matter. I squeezed her hand softly as she navigated us through the dark living room, drawing comfort from the feel of her squeezing mine gently back.

A large salt rock lamp emitted a pale rose-glow, bathing her bedroom in just enough light to cast shadows. I made a note to tease her about it later- the concept of charged ions and crystal healing, though truth be told I was in no place to scoff at anything that could bring me a bit of peace.

She dropped my hand beside the bed, pained look still heavy in her eyes.

"I…" I started, unsure what exactly I wanted to say- something to erase the damage, but she shook her head softly before I could continue. Cool fingertips brushed over my jawline, down along my neck, sending chills through my body as she lost herself in the details of my skin. After a moment she seemed to remember herself, hands dropping down to the bottom of my shirt. My eyes lingered on her lips and her eyelashes and the small creases beside her warm eyes as she freed the buttons, the material eventually slipping off my shoulders, into a pool on the wooden floor. It wasn't an overtly sexual gesture- just intimate, like a warm hand on the small of your back. Like a silent '_come here'._

I wondered what she saw when she looked at me. The pale yellow bruise fading against the flesh of my ribs. The soft lines marking my forehead from the accumulated years of stress. I wondered if my skin was familiar to her; if she remembered the constellation of my scars. I had committed hers to memory years ago- the white tissue curved around her hipbone. The perfect slope over her ribs. The desire to be closer to her felt suddenly overwhelming, nails digging into my palms as her dark eyes held mine, fingers once again finding the button of my jeans.

This time I let her. Ever-cool hands skimmed over my hips, over the outside of my thighs. It was like raking over the hot coals of desire, a deep ache burning in me as her fingertips brushed my skin. Her gaze drifted down the length of my body with a smirk that she pursed into a soft smile.

I had reminded myself that no one would see me undressed as I got ready that evening, drawing expensive lace over my hips. _You're just mending a friendship_ I affirmed as I attached the clasp of my dark bralette, delicate triangles of lace that accentuated my pale breasts. My intentions and my actions often held an alarming discord. Besides, our friendship was never exactly virtuous.

I knew this intimacy was meant to be an innocent grasp at comfort and connection, leading nowhere but to sleep in her arms. Innocent like those nights spent in the desert watching stars appear in a muted blue sky, the distant howl of coyotes sending chills through me; the sight of her mouth closing around the lip of a beer bottle. Her legs intimately pressed against mine. The smell of smoke in the air. Her eyes on the sky, my body on fire.

Innocent like that morning after a brutal shift, trauma marking both of our features, tears burning my eyes. Her arm wrapped around my waist from behind as we lay on her couch, sleeping face buried in the crook of my neck. Innocent connection. Not leading anywhere.

_Right_.

My fingertips found the button of her jeans as she pulled her t-shirt off, dropping it onto our growing pile of clothing. In hindsight, it was the feel of drawing her jeans down over slim hips that pushed me over the fine line we were toeing. A wave of arousal washed through me so strongly that I leaned into her, breath laboured against her neck as my fingertips brushed against soft thighs.

Drawing in a shaky breath, she kicked out of her jeans, turning to grab us shirts from the dresser. Ever respectful and painfully unaware. I watched her through leaden eyelids, suddenly dizzy from lust, oscillating anguish and copious amounts of wine.

Her breasts rose and fell softly with each breath as she pressed a white t-shirt into my hand. I immediately tossed it aside, hands dropping down to her waist as I closed the slight distance between us, breasts pressing into the soft skin of her ribs.

Her breath hitched, stilling all movements as I leaned up to brush my lips against hers, my body buzzing with anticipation.

"… are you sure?"

Her voice was quiet and deep, breath hot against my lips. Not trusting my voice, I hooked my fingers into the waistband of her dark underwear, pulling it down over her hips. There was a momentary pause- a soft breath, and then her lips were on mine, firm and demanding. I grasped her shoulders to balance myself as all of her narrowly maintained control spilled over. Her desire was so intoxicating that I forgot to breathe, only breaking away for air when my lungs protested painfully.

She pushed dark lace over my hips as she walked me backwards, legs colliding roughly with the bed. I knew she was going to push me back against the mattress and take me- my body was desperate for it, nails already digging half-moons into her skin.

But I needed this time to be different. I needed this memory not to hurt. I let her push me back, let her crawl on top of me, let her drive me higher for a few long minutes before maneuvering her onto her back. Surprise played over her features at the abrupt shift of power and I smiled down at her, capturing her bottom lip between my teeth before soothing it with a gentle kiss.

Years ago, it had been her in control. Despite an arm fractured in two places; despite it being me who was wild and overflowing with emotion and proclamations of love, she was the one who dominated. It had felt as though she was determined to return my sentiments through touch; through her mouth against my skin, as though she knew that in the morning we would lose each other.

I pushed a thigh between hers, earning a soft moan as her body arched softly up into mine. I lost myself in a fever dream of skin and teeth and wandering hands. My lips trailed along the soft expanse of her neck, teeth grazing over her collar bone. I took my time over her chest, trying to memorize every freckle, every sensitive spot that tightened her grip in my hair.

My lips journeyed down one soft curve of her hipbone to the other, teeth grazing over the softest of skin. Her thigh muscles tensed as I trailed my fingertips over them, smiling softly at the soft moans escaping her lips. I wrapped an arm around her leg, fingertips pressing into her flesh.

I could feel her gaze on me, glancing up to lock eyes with her. My body burned as I finally leaned in to drag my tongue along the length of her, watching her teeth dig into her lower lip, head falling back against the mattress with a strangled moan. Her hips twitched softly beneath me and I lost myself in the feel of her; in the earthy sounds escaping her lips. Her hand grasped at the sheets, body undulating softly beneath my mouth. I let go of her leg, entwining our fingers in a tight grasp as my other hand joined my mouth.

The pleasure of being with her went beyond being in love; beyond having her after years of yearning. She was an enigma, attracting people with her strange magnetism but remaining always out of reach. No one else got to see her like this; witness her beauty in these raw moments. Even Grissom I imagined rarely, if ever, had her moaning at the ceiling, hips trying not to rock wantonly against his mouth, a long leg hooked over his shoulder. Unguarded and uncontrolled.

I felt the tremble of her thighs, increasing my pace. I was sure her fingers would eventually come away with blonde hairs tangled between them as her back arched, a strangled cry on her lips. I stopped only when she relaxed against the bed, trailing kisses languidly over her skin, not quite ready to let the moment go.

Eventually I slid back up her body, dark eyes slowly blinking open. I kissed her tenderly- her lips, her cheek, her jawline, the soft curve of her chin. She chuckled, deep and throaty as her hands came to rest on my waist. I sat back against her hips, hair brushing my breasts, electricity sparking through me at the feel of her sex pressed against mine. I rolled my hips experimentally, watching lust spark dimly back to life behind her eyes. A hand slid slowly up my body until it reached my breast, cupping it through the thin material. She watched, transfixed, as her fingertips pinched a hard nipple, rolling it, my eyes falling shut.

Lost in the sensation, her sudden movement took me off guard, grabbing her shoulders to keep from falling back as she sat up. One hand pressed against the small of my back as her fingers closed in my hair, crashing her lips to mine hungrily. I sighed into her mouth, returning the kiss with equal fervor. I needed to be closer. I wanted to be underneath her skin.

I felt a hand slide up to fumble with the clasp of my bra for a moment before it came loose. She tore it down my arms, barely separating for breath, my chest arching into her desperate hands, hips grinding slow against her lower stomach.

She broke away from my mouth to look at me, eyes black in this light. Her intensity only heightened my arousal as her fingertips brushed softly over my clit before entering me. I tried to hold her gaze, nails digging into her skin as my lips parted in a silent moan.

I enjoyed sex. I loved the rawness of it, the feel of soft skin beneath mine, the carnality. But in most of my experiences it was just that- carnal and mindless and about finding release without much regard for anything else. This… was about more. It was also about Sara- her fingers moving firmly in me, her breath growing uneven as she watched me; as she fucked me. Her eyes black with desire; warm with tenderness. It was about connection.

A third finger uncurled to join the rest and my eyes finally fell shut, head dropping down to her neck as I whispered an expletive against her hair. Her hand stilled and I began a slow grind of my hips, lifting them ever so slightly before dropping back down, the feel of her inside of me like this almost enough to push me over the edge. Shaky fingers found the back of her neck as I once again forced open my heavy lidded eyes.

I wanted to tell her that she was beautiful, all sun kissed skin and feral eyes. That I was in love with her. That this felt incredible. But her thumb brushed my clit and I couldn't find words, leaning in to her with a quiet whimper.

I kept the motion of my hips slow and deep, a flush creeping up my chest as I tried to control my ragged breathing, nails digging into the soft skin at the base of her skull. She moaned- a deep, earthy sound that made me weak. My hands found her shoulders, pushing her back onto the mattress, bracing myself on either side of her head. Long hair brushed her shoulder, breasts swaying softly, her hand wrapping around the back of a shaky thigh. Nails dug into my skin, raking along it and I cried out, hips beginning to lose their smooth rhythm as they picked up a frantic pace. She was panting beneath me, fingers pushing up roughly each time I pressed down. My fist clenched the sheets as I focused solely on the pleasure about to completely overwhelm me.

Suddenly she gripped my hip firmly and took over control, her motions rough and precise. I crashed over the edge, crying out as my trembling thighs clenched around her hips, lips dropping down to her neck to muffle my cries. Her free hand slid to the small of my back as I rode out my pleasure, eventually relaxing against her.

My breath slowly evened out in the space between her neck and shoulder, biting back a whimper of protest when she slid her fingers out of me. I didn't need her to know how completely undone I was by her, even then. Her hand tangled softly in my hair, damp fingertips trailing over the expanse of my back; along the relaxed muscles of my thighs still wrapped around her.

I raised myself up just enough to look at her, immediately pulled into a tender kiss. I smiled against her lips, chuckling softly as I rolled onto my back, the cool air a relief against my overheated skin.

"Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?"

Her voice was raspy and deep, my arm sliding over her waist as I settled into her relaxed embrace. I chuckled again, sliding a leg over hers as I absently traced the pale scar tissue around her hip.

"I could ask you the same thing"

I felt her smile against my temple; release a soft, contented sigh.

"I'm glad you didn't leave" she whispered eventually, fingertips brushing languidly through my hair.

"_This_… was going to happen one way or another" I mused quietly, enjoying the way her muscles twitched softly beneath my wandering fingertips.

The silence that followed was comfortable but heavy. She smelled of patchouli and whiskey and sex, and I wanted to live in this moment- her even breaths beneath me, our legs tangled beneath dark sheets. An open window, that warm smell of rain.

"Any chance you bummed more than one cigarette?"

I felt her smile against my hair, her grip on me tightening softly.

"No"

The eerie echo of coyotes had picked back up in the distance, a breeze swaying the edges of the white linen curtains that she hadn't bothered to pull closed.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked after a drawn out silence, voice quiet against my ear. I sighed, sliding my hand up to rest against the valley of her hip, pressing my eyes shut.

"No"

I wanted to exist in this dream-like daze as long as possible. Fingertips played through my hair softly, absently. I could feel the weight of her thoughts, that soft feeling of dread beginning to seep in once again.

"Stop" I whispered, nails digging gently into her skin.

"What?"

"Thinking. Please, stop"

She sighed

"I can't help it" she admitted quietly.

I rolled back on top of her, thighs brushing her hips as I entwined our fingers, pressing them into the mattress above her head

"Do you regret this?" I asked, her head shaking softly before all the words were out of my mouth, a soft smile twitching against her lips.

"_No_"

"Then it doesn't matter"

I stared down at her, trying to commit to memory how beautiful she looked in this light. The way she was looking at me. All I wanted was for her to always see me with that much tenderness.

"… How are we suppo-"

I swiftly leaned down to capture her lips in a languid kiss. I traced my tongue over her bottom lip, scraping my teeth over it softly before brushing my tongue against hers. I kissed her until she was breathless, hands finding my skin once again, effectively silencing her for the rest of the night.


	9. Chapter 9

The sound of songbirds drifted into my consciousness, a light breeze coming in through the open window, playing softly over my skin. I blinked open my eyes, the white washed ceiling above me slowly coming into focus. Early morning sun cast pale light across the end of the bed, the soft haze of semi-consciousness keeping me warm and content. It all slowly came back to me- Sara, our fight, our rigorous makeup. A smile ghosted over my lips, turning to glance at the other side of the bed.

I frowned, sliding my hand over to her empty side, searching for a warmth to tell me that she had just gotten up. Instead I was met with the feel of cool bamboo.

I sat up, sheets pooling around my waist as I glanced around the room. The clock beside her bed read 7:04, and I knew we had been up well past 2. A sharp feeling of dread washed over me as I glanced over at my bedside table, relieved to find it empty. No carefully worded notes to let me down.

I found the old Rolling Stones t-shirt she had abandoned last night and pulled it on. It smelled like earth and cedar scented soap and I felt my chest clench, pulling the loose material tightly around myself. I had been looking forward to waking up with her, all sleepy eyes and gravelly voice. More lazy kisses, more of her skin. I scoffed at myself, shoving that romantic disillusionment aside. She didn't owe me soft mornings. She didn't owe me peace of mind.

I met my own gaze in the bathroom mirror, frowning at my wild hair; soft smudges of mascara beneath tired eyes. I rubbed an angry mark painted across my throat, irritated by my enthusiastic encouragement of her teeth; of that thing she does with her mouth. I shut my eyes against the pain pounding against the base of my skull. I needed coffee and a shower. I needed to get back home.

Raking my fingers through the chaos of my hair, I washed off the remnants of last night's makeup. I found my phone sandwiched between couch cushions- a message from Cassidy, two pressing e-mails from work, a missed call from Norah. I tossed it onto the dining room table, glancing around the vacant space anxiously.

Where the hell would she have gone?

I fought the overwhelming instinct to gather my clothes and head straight back to Carson with as much dignity as possible. Eyeing the coffee machine in the corner apprehensively, I wondered if she still had that little stovetop espresso maker that she never actually bothered to use.

I found the bottom part of it next to the travel mugs and coffee, the rest seemingly lost in the mess of her cupboards. I searched through them with escalating irritation.

She knew exactly how much it had hurt me to wake up alone the last time we found ourselves in this position. Maybe this simply meant more to me. Maybe she would blame what happened on the whiskey and the wine and the candlelight. The stars. A bad week at work. A failed attempt at filling a Grissom shaped void.

I paused my search, suddenly weakened by my thoughts. Here I was again, professing my love, waking up alone. I could still remember vividly the last time I'd been this naïve.

_"Is Grissom here?"_

_"No, he… needed some time. Do you want a beer? I'm on a cocktail of pills, but just cause I can't drink doesn't mean you shouldn't"_

_That crooked smile. Her bruised face._

_"No… look, I just wanted to say something. I wanted to at the hospital, but there were so many people around…"_

_A bemused raise of an eyebrow- something between amusement and concern._

_"What's up?"_

_That all-consuming, nauseating feel of standing on the edge of a cliff, praying you'll land in the small body of water and not the jagged sea of rocks._

_"We've… obviously been dancing around something for the past few months. And at first I wasn't really sure what that was…"_

_Dark eyes held mine and I pressed my lips together, sliding my hands into my pockets. _

_"But then all of this happened and I realized…" I shrugged softly, heart in my throat. "I'm in love with you"_

_The intensity behind her eyes was overwhelming and I took a breath, unable to bear waiting for a response._

_"And I know that this isn't really the time, but… I just needed you to know"_

_She stared back at me for a few long moments, a troubled look furrowing her brow._

_"Sof…"_

_I shook my head dismissively, taking a step backwards._

_"You don't have to say anything right now… I just wanted you to know where I stand"_

_I turned to go, heart a rock in my chest as I made it almost to the door._

_"You know that I'm in a relationship"_

_I paused, unshed tears stinging my eyes as I turned back to her with a humorless chuckle._

_"Yeah, you were in a relationship when you kissed me a couple weeks ago too"_

_Her frown deepened, shaking her head softly, opening her mouth to speak, though nothing came out._

_"We're more than friends, Sara. You know that"_

_I felt my confidence returning slightly as she clamoured for a response, but ultimately found none._

_"I'm not asking you to return the sentiment, but the least you could do is acknowledge that you've spent more nights beside me over the past few months than you have with him"_

_She pressed her eyes shut, a pained look flashing across her face and I immediately felt guilt flooding through me at this selfish agenda. She had barely been out of the hospital for a day and here I was dropping bombs. _

_"Are you okay?" I moved tentatively towards her, reaching out to brush her arm softly. "I'm sorry… you should rest"_

_"I'm fine" she insisted sharply, dark eyes meeting mine with a deep sadness- as though I'd somehow betrayed her by voicing this. _

_"Don't go" she added, hand wrapping around my wrist tenderly with a sigh. It was the smallest gesture and I immediately felt myself slipping. It was overwhelming- the sadness in her, her fractured arm, the bruises littering her body. The memory of her lifeless form, exhausted and burnt and battered in the sand. Tears fell and I cursed quietly, wiping them away. _

_"I'm in a relationship, Sofia" she repeated quietly, fingertips digging into the flesh of my wrist. Telling me 'no' while holding me close._

_"You're in a relationship with a man who- up until last week- barely acknowledged you"_

_She pressed her lips together, giving her head a shake. _

_"That's not the point"_

_I felt my chest constricting, biting my lip to keep my chin from trembling as I held her gaze. _

_"What were the past few months to you then? Have you just been using me to get what he hasn't been giving you, so that you can keep on with this fucked up façade of a relationship?"_

_She dropped my wrist, letting out an exasperated sigh._

_"What do you want me to say? I picked an emotionally unavailable man to date, screwed up the most important relationship in my life…" she gestured violently towards me before grasping the edge of the counter in a firm grip. "Got kidnapped by a sociopath, almost died, don't sleep, can't fucking breathe…"_

_My heart was in my throat as I stared at her for a long moment before letting out a heavy breath, sliding my hand over her white knuckles. "Sara…"_

_"It doesn't change the fact that I'm in a relationship"_

_"You are so fucking stubborn…"_

_I had given up trying to disguise my tears, moving into her space and sliding a hand to the back of her neck. I searched her eyes, her emotions so clear in them- despair, desire, love, pleading._

_"Tell me you don't feel anything" I whispered, tracing my thumb softly over the uninjured edge of her jawline. She closed her eyes, taking shaky breath._

_"I'll let this go if you want me to, but Sara…" I studied her face for another moment before leaning in, brushing my lips ever-so-softly over hers. I repeated the action, my fingertips resting tentatively against the back of her neck. I hesitated a moment, her breath warm against my skin. She hadn't moved, hadn't responded, and I felt my heart collapse in on itself. Another tear fell as I leaned in to kiss her once more with a tender finality before taking a step back._

_"Okay" I whispered, turning to go._

_I was two steps away from the door when she grabbed my arm, spinning me around and capturing my lips in a bruising kiss. I held onto her like a lifeline, kissing her back with equal ferocity. Her fingers were digging into my hip so deeply that I would later find light plum bruises against my skin, but I didn't care. I needed her ferocity. I needed to feel this. She whimpered softly against my lips, body pushing up against mine and suddenly I felt a rush of relief followed by a wave of pain so strong I broke away from her at the force of it. _

_I had come so close to losing her. I hadn't allowed myself to acknowledge that, but the feel of her body against mine- strong and breathing and reactive- triggered a sudden, violent clarity. I wrapped my arms around her neck, choking back a sob._

_She held me, breath shallow but steady against my ear. I'd seen her twice since that traumatic day in the desert- the first time she'd been asleep, Nick's hands wrapped around hers like a lifeline. The second time Greg was there and I had swallowed my emotions, settling for a short conversation and a squeeze of her ever-cool hand. This was the first time we had been alone._

_I wanted to tell her how paralyzed I had felt; how terrified, but I couldn't bear her comfort when she was the one who had gone through hell. Even this show of emotions felt wrong._

_It was useless to try and compose myself, pulling back just enough to capture her lips in another desperate kiss. My tears were on her skin and the desire to feel her was almost nauseating in its intensity. Her hand found my skin- exploring, thorough, hungry. I will never forget coming undone against a burgundy wall, our clothes still on, her hot breath against my neck, tears dried on my cheeks. How close I felt to her. Her words, whispered against my ear, fingers still inside of me. "I love you too"_

I knocked a plastic container from the top shelf onto the counter, cursing quietly as I heard the side door slide open. I took purchase of the bottom half of the espresso maker, experiencing something between nauseating anxiety and deep relief as she moved into the kitchen.

"Hey"

I glanced over my shoulder, met with the sight of her in shorts and a damp tank top, hair pulled into a loose, messy bun, an earbud in one ear as she wiped an arm over her sweaty forehead. She smiled at me between deep breaths and I was irritated by my own irritation.

"Where did you go?"

She stared at me for a moment before a smile twitched at her lips, running a hand over damp hair.

"Shopping"

I shot her a glare, a smile cracking her face as she moved to the sink to splash some cool water onto her overheated skin. I watched a drop slide down her neck, curling around her collarbone before disappearing beneath her thin top.

"For a run" she answered playfully, untangling her headphones from her shirt.

"I didn't hear you get up"

What I really meant was '_please stop leaving me like this'_

"Well you sleep like the dead"

I scoffed, turning back to the task of searching for the missing parts. I felt her behind me, hands coming to my waist as her body leaned gently into mine. My breath hitched, hands stilling against the counter.

"I needed to clear my head" she spoke softly against my hair. "I didn't think you'd be awake yet"

I sighed, irritation dissipating as I relaxed back against her. Her lips dropped down to press softly against my shoulder, barely a whisper. She sighed, remaining close for a drawn out moment before moving to put some space back between us. We obviously needed to talk.

"Why do you only have half an espresso maker?"

"I actually have a full one" she answered, amusement obvious in her voice as she moved to the dishwasher, pulling out the top and passing it to me with a pursed lip smile. I grabbed it, holding her gaze as a lazy smile pulled at my lips- embarrassed by my own impatience.

Dark eyes dropped down to rake slowly over my form, sending an electric current through my body. By the time they met mine again, I understood with a sudden clarity that I didn't want to talk about this; about us. I didn't even want to allow the space for it. A small drop of water clung to her neck, dark hair coming loose from its bun. I let my eyes drink in the tiny smile lines that had become a permanent fixture around her eyes. The scar on her knee from falling out of a tree at 6. The small sun etched onto the skin of her ankle.

I was in love with her, and it terrified me.

Despite what had been said in the heat of our liquor fuelled argument, I didn't know how she felt about me anymore. I had no idea where we stood. But as she looked at me from across her small kitchen- nothing but her oversized t-shirt covering my frame, body marked by her, I realized the power that I held. She wanted me, and that I could control.

I stared at her for a long moment before closing the distance between us, sliding my hands into her damp hair. I kissed her languidly, the kind of kiss that seemed to disarm her every time. Her tongue brushed against mine, slow and intense, hands finding my hips. She smiled into our kiss as they moved down, met with nothing but skin.

"I need to shower" she breathed, and I was suddenly aching for the feel of her. Her hands began to wander and I gasped softly against her jaw, teeth grazing the soft skin.

"So do I"

She smiled, lips dropping down to my throat as my eyes fell shut.

"Look how that works out"


	10. Chapter 10

_I wrote the bones of this chapter months ago, and part of the plot coincidentally ties into current world events. I've been focused on educating myself and keeping my head up in these strange times we're existing in, but I'm going to continue writing this if anyone is still interested. (Coming chapters will be more exciting than this one, I promise). I hope you're all keeping safe and doing well. As always, thanks for reading.**  
**_

* * *

I sank my fingers into damp hair as our work issued sedan crept along in an endless line of commuter traffic, testing my dangerously thin patience. I fought the urge to flip on the siren, reaching out for my coffee instead, blatantly ignoring the weight of Lea's eyes on me from the passenger seat.

I'd gotten in late the night before, met with a concerned Cassidy half asleep on my couch and a pounding headache. I had eventually drifted to sleep to the quiet drone of an old horror movie and a pale arm draped around me in a futile attempt at comfort. She didn't know exactly what was going on, but she sensed the heartache.

I'd left Sara without any final sentiments- no promise to call each other, no idea when we would cross paths again. Just her disarming smile and a kiss goodbye. It wasn't until I was halfway home that the reality of the situation struck me, turning my mood sour. We hadn't discussed what this meant; what we felt. I'd actively avoided that conversation in predictable fashion, and now I was left with my stomach twisted in knots. I likely wouldn't see her again until Autumn- an Entomology seminar I knew she would jump at and I would feign interest in. And then what? More idle conversation. More silent desperation.

I finally glanced over at Lea, meeting her dark eyes with an expectant look.

"What" I asked, not bothering to keep the irritation out of my voice.

"Are you okay?"

"I didn't get much sleep" I explained absently, turning onto Rochester, met with even more traffic. I cursed softly, fingertips tapping impatiently against dark leather.

"You've barely said a word this morning, you're dressed like you're about to pull off a heist…"

I slammed on the breaks as the jeep in front of us came to a sudden halt, jolting us back into our seats.

"That god damn light…" I mumbled under my breath, reaching anxiously for my coffee.

"You look like hell warmed over and you're acting cagey. Did something happen in Vegas?"

"I'm just tired, Lea" I gazed over at her from behind dark aviators, silently willing her to drop it.

She sighed, pretty eyes remaining trained on me hesitantly and I frowned, eyebrows creasing as the feeling of suffocation became unbearable.

"Fuck it" I muttered, reaching up to flip on the siren, creeping forward as the cars in front of us began the awkward shuffle out of our way.

* * *

We pulled up in front of an abandoned construction project on the edge of town, a four story structure with nothing more than cement floors and the outlying frame. A temporary tin roof that was already collapsing in places. The pale grey walls were covered in graffiti, a squatting place for the downtrodden.

A single reporter stood anxiously in front of the yellow crime tape, trying to garner the attention of an irritated officer guarding the scene. That was good, it meant the media hadn't connected this assault with the two murders from last month. We were still a few steps ahead.

I grabbed the extra coffee I had stashed in the back, shutting the door with my hip as Lea headed towards the ambulance to speak with the victim. I gave a nod of thanks to an officer who lifted the tape for me, ducking beneath it as I scanned the scene for Norah.

She was hanging back from the primary scene, observing from a distance. I stepped around a pile of scrap metal littering the ground, pulling subtly at my dark turtleneck in an attempt to cool off, the heat of the day already unbearable. She turned as I approached, giving me a quick once over with a quiet, amused scoff.

"Welcome back"

I pressed the coffee into her hand, meeting her gaze briefly before turning to focus on the scene.

"Traffic in this city is a fucking nightmare" I muttered, squinting at the victim sitting in the ambulance- his face beaten, a paramedic bandaging a thick laceration on his arm. "What's going on here? You're thinking this is connected with Bastion?"

"Yeah- victim was beaten with a pipe, just like the others. A biker saw the attack and called it in. Her description matches the little that we do have on Bastion. This guy got lucky, but of course he's not talking"

I took a sip of lukewarm coffee as her bright eyes focused back on me.

"How are you doing?"

"Great, you?"

"Jesus" she muttered under her breath, irritated by my deflection.

"I'm great. Not in the tense, irritated way you are…" her gaze travelled over my form once again with obvious bemusement, gesturing towards my outfit. "What is this, are you going to a funeral in a basement later?"

I rolled my eyes, chuckling despite myself.

"What are you even doing here? This is an assault case in the warehouse district, shouldn't you be fighting with the DA or something right now?"

"I knew you were going to evade me all day, this seemed like the easiest way to get my eyes on you"

I stared back at her for a moment before letting out a soft sigh, defenses lowering. The sound of a commotion breaking out behind me drew my attention, noting for the first time a man handcuffed next to a police cruiser. I took in his familiar face, glancing back at Norah.

"I'll come by tonight, tell you all about my weekend over a glass of your finest scotch"

A smile tugged at the corner of her lips, giving me a nod as I turned towards the scene escalating on the road.

"Don't spend too long out here, it's already 75 degrees and I need you alive" she called after me.

I headed over to where a vaguely familiar officer was in the middle of a heated argument with a man I recognized as Reid Johnson. He was a kid from the rough side of town, constantly caught up in these situations despite his good nature. I watched the officer grab his arm, slamming him roughly against the cruiser and I picked up my pace.

"Hey" I called, immediately garnering their attention.

"Captain" the officer greeted, not releasing his firm grip.

"What are you doing, let him go" I ordered, frown creasing my brow.

"He came at me, I-"

"Like hell I did! I'm going-"

"Stop" I interrupted, a headache pounding up from the base of my neck. "Let him go, and take those things off of him"

He stared at me for a moment as though considering his options before slowly relenting

"Yes ma'am" he mumbled, letting go of the thin arm in his grasp before roughly undoing the over-cinched cuffs.

"Man, am I glad they dragged in the big guns for this" Reid muttered, shooting the officer a bitter look as he pulled his hands back, rubbing his wrists as he turned towards me. "Your men here are as prejudice as they come"

I shot the officer, Brody, a warning look, silencing him before he could respond. He shot me a bitter glare, stalking off towards the initial scene. I watched him go, sipping my coffee before turning my gaze back towards Reid.

"Talk to me, Reid. I don't want to have to drag you downtown, but you know I will"

He sighed, tearing his glare away from Brody to look at me. I pushed my sunglasses up onto my head, squinting against the bright morning light.

"How are you involved in this?" I asked, nodding towards the scene.

"I swear, I'm not. Wrong place at the wrong time, that's all"

"That happens to you a lot"

"Yeah, I suppose it does" he said, running a hand over his neck.

"Are you selling again? You know I can't help you if you're back in the game"

"Come on, you know that I'm not" he shook his head, shifting on his feet. "I'm done with that. Working towards my degree these days. My sister has been sneaking around with some shady motherfucker, has an apartment on 27th and Johnson. I was headed over there to drag her home when I heard some guy yelling. Came over to see what was going on"

"And…?"

"And by the time I got here you guys were pulling up. Wasn't much I could do, so I tried to take off before they spotted me" he explained, hand raising back up to his neck. "But they caught up to me, assumed I was involved"

I frowned, stepping forward to grab his wrist gently, pulling his hand away from his neck to see the red mark against the base of his skull. I clenched my jaw against the anger welling up, throwing a look over my shoulder at Brody who was laughing about something with one of the paramedics.

"Okay, you're free to go. Let's stop meeting like this"

He chuckled, giving me a nod.

"Yeah, you got it"

I watched him go before turning back towards the scene. I strode over to Brody, his attention slowly turning to me as I approached.

"If I so much as hear about you using unnecessary force with a suspect again, you're on suspension. You hear me?"

I could feel the distain radiating off of him as he squared his shoulders. It seemed as though he was about to put up a fight, I almost welcomed it, but he clocked Norah heading over to us and met my gaze with his own icy stare.

"Loud and clear, Captain"

I felt her hand hook around my arm, gently pulling me back over towards my car.

"The misogyny around here is out of control"

She scoffed, giving my arm a soft squeeze. "You don't have to tell me"

* * *

I narrowly avoided a collision with Lieutenant White, storming out of Quinn's office like a hurricane. Violent eyes settled on me with a weary edge and I frowned, taking in his tense demeanor.

"Paul" I greeted, which only seemed to further aggravate him. He looked as though he might say something, but gave his head a shake instead, brushing past me towards the stairs. I glanced back at him in confusion, wrapping on the ajar door lightly with the back of my knuckles.

Norah was reclined in her chair, eyes closed. She cracked a bright eye open to look at me, letting out a heavy sigh as she forced a hand through black curls.

"What is going on?" I asked, noting the abandoned bottle of Tylenol beside her. She sat upright, pulling dark framed reading glasses off her face and tossing them onto her desk tiredly.

"Apparently the appearance of three senior officers at an assault scene caught the media's attention. They've tied it to the murders from last month and are stirring up public panic" she explained, reaching beneath her desk to grab a nearly empty stash of Lagavulin. I puffed out a breath, dropping into the seat across from her.

"It's my fault, I should have known better" she chastised quietly, glasses clinking together as she pulled them out and set them onto the dark wooden surface between us.

"Let me guess, he has you heading up a press conference tomorrow?"

"Yeah. There's not much I can say, but we need to get out on top of this before the media has a chance to blow the whole thing out of proportion"

I sighed, reaching out for the glass of whiskey she pushed across the desk.

"Want me to be there?"

A smile played over her lips, raising her glass to me slightly before taking a sip.

"No, we shouldn't both have to suffer"

The stagnant heat of her office felt suddenly unbearable. I pulled off my sweater in an ungraceful motion, tossing it onto the chair beside me. The air against my overheated skin was a relief and I reached out to reclaim my glass, eyes flicking up to meet Norah's.

"Not a word" I warned, leaning back tiredly, whiskey resting against my thigh. Bright eyes travelled over my form and she let out a soft, throaty chuckle, taking in the fading mark against my neck; the plum bruise peeking out from my top, against the swell of my breast. I was certain she would make some crude statement- instead she took a sip of whiskey, leaning back in her chair and fixing me with a serious gaze.

"What happened?"

"We caught up. We…" I gestured vaguely, letting out a soft breath as a smirk played over my lips.

"Then why are you so miserable?"

I sighed, reaching up to pull tired hair out of the confines of my ponytail. It tumbled down around my shoulders and I didn't bother trying to tame it, swirling whiskey around in my glass absently, searching for the right words.

"Because she's there and I'm here" I answered finally, raising my eyes up to meet hers. "Because… I was naive to think anything would come of this. Because we didn't talk about it…"

"So you spent three days with her, you slept with her, and you didn't talk about it?"

I shook my head lightly in dismay, taking a sip of whiskey, reveling in the sharp burn.

"We had a drunken fight about it and then we… moved on" I mused, smile ghosting over my lips at the memory of her skin and her mouth and her hands. Of waking up alone. Of my heart in my throat. I shook my head lightly, clicking my tongue. "She just got divorced, she's dealing with a lot. I should have known better"

"If only someone had warned you of that" she mused sarcastically, ignoring my half-hearted glare. "So what now? You're just going to let her go?"

"What other option do I have? We live in different cities, we work opposite shifts, she's married to her job…"

"You're married to yours" she pointed out, earning another irritated look.

"She's got a lot on her plate right now…"

"God, listen to yourself. You're just looking for excuses"

I scoffed, glancing out the window for a moment at the warm lights in the distance.

"You know I want to be with her. It's just not that simple"

"So talk to her, see how she feels"

"She's going through-"

"Sofia, you have to stop running the moment things get difficult"

I glanced up in surprise, her words an unexpected blow. I opened my mouth to defend myself but she leaned forward before I could speak, bright eyes meeting mine with a tender intensity.

"You left Vegas after getting demoted even though it's where you wanted to be. You ran here the moment things didn't go exactly as you hoped with Sara. You disappeared for three weeks after the Huston shooting. You might have a shot at something real with the woman you've wanted for three years and you're just throwing it away. Have you ever ran _towards _anything in your life?"

"Jesus" I muttered with a humourless chuckle, taking a sip of whiskey, jaw tensed. "You know, I've worked my ass off to get where I am. It didn't happen by running from things"

"Yeah, you're a powerhouse, everyone knows that. But for someone with the tenacity and brazen confidence that you have, there's a lot that you refuse to face"

If there was anything I could count on from Norah, it was borderline lethal doses of tough love. I tapped my fingers against my glass, considering whether to admit defeat or defend myself. She dropped back in her chair with a sigh, tipping back the rest of her drink before meeting my gaze.

"…I'm scared" I admitted finally, gazing down into my glass. "Sex is simple. Anything beyond that…" I raised my glass up in a vague, hopeless gesture, puffing out a breath.

"We were _so_ close when everything blew up. We spent all of our time together… she _loved_ me, and still…"

Norah nodded softly and I bit my lip against the unexpected burn of tears, taking a breath to centre myself. All I could think of was her half smile; her face buried in my hair as she drifted to sleep; "_you're so beautiful_" mumbled against my skin in a shower that we had let run cold, her body melded to mine. Had that really only been yesterday? Sitting there, it felt lifetimes away.

"Now we've been apart for three years, her husband just left her… what if I'm just a familiar comfort? What if she doesn't want anything more?"

"Well you're never going to know if you don't talk to her. And if she does break your heart again, I'll be right here with more of this"

She grabbed the nearly empty whiskey bottle in reference. I chuckled, giving her a soft nod.

"In fact, just take this and go call her. That's an order" she pressed the bottle into my hand before gesturing towards the door. "Now get out of here, I've got a statement to prepare"

I shot her a sympathetic glance as I stood.

"I can't promise I'll call, but I will take this" I mused, raising the bottle in reference. Reaching across the desk, I grabbed her warm hand.

"Hey"

She looked up at me expectantly and I gave her palm a squeeze.

"Thank you"


	11. Chapter 11

"You're not serious" I laughed, staring up at the smooth expanse of my bedroom ceiling, still in work clothes beneath thin blankets. Exhaustion had hit me all at once tonight.

"_Three stitches and an incredibly bruised ego_" Sara replied, garnering another laugh that I smothered with a bite of my lip.

"Poor Greg"

This was our unspoken routine. Every few nights she would call on her way to a distant scene; from that corner of the roof where she snuck up to take coffee breaks. She would tell me about whatever cases she was working as I attempted to subtly lure her here with stories of Lake Tahoe and the perfect summer we were having.

We flirted around the concept of us, but never actually discussed our feelings or what any of this meant. It was as though we had made a silent agreement to not let it get too heavy; not to dredge up the past any more than it already had been.

"_So I'm going to San Francisco for a few days_…"

I ran my hand absently over Leonard who was curled up beside me, squinting softly at the ceiling.

"_A guy from a case I worked is up for parole, so I'm going down to testify_" she explained, the sound of her signal light ticking in the background. "_I figured I'd take an extra couple of days, spend some time by the ocean. It's been…"_ she puffed out a quiet breath, "_way too long_"

"Sounds nice" I mused, scratching behind Leonard's ear.

"_I'm uh, renting a cabin just outside of the city, right beside the water. It's got a fire place and an outdoor shower… you can see the ocean from the bedroom, it's beautiful. It's even got one of those insanely expensive espresso makers…"_

I smiled, picturing her coming in from an early surf, showering in the open air, barefoot as she made her way to the coffee. Sand lingering in her wild hair, her skin still tasting of salt and the sea.

"Are you trying to sell me on this experience or are you just bragging about your accommodations?"

She chuckled, and I could almost see that sheepish, crooked grin.

"_I was hoping I might talk you into taking next weekend off and meeting me there. I know it's a bit of a drive and you've got a lot going on at work…_ "

As if a three hour drive was enough to keep me from a weekend away with her. I smiled, pulling Leonard closer, much to his dismay.

"Let me see if I can move some things around at work. If I can talk my way out of a couple of meetings, I'm all yours"

"Great" she said with a quiet chuckle. A few moments passed in silence, the weight of my feelings heavy in my chest. I heard her kill the engine, taking a breath.

"_I uh… miss you_"

I wrapped an arm around my waist absently, a soft smile playing over my lips as an unexpected wave of nerves washed over me.

"Yeah, me too" I assured her softly.

"_I should go, this scene is overrun already. I'll call you when I can… let me know about the weekend"_

"I will. Be safe"

I hung up, dropping the phone down onto my chest and pinching my eyes shut. I was desperate for some time with her, and yet something about the thought of it had my stomach in knots. I was so vulnerable in her hands. It was a tricky art form, trying to balance my desire for more with my fear of losing her again, all the while attempting to play it casual as we navigated this undefined terrain.

I dismissed those thoughts, focusing on the idea of a weekend away. It had been so long since it had been just us, far from the questioning eyes of well-meaning friends.

I rolled over, burying my face into Leonard's soft fur. He let out a disgruntled meow, escaping my grasp and hopping straight off of the bed. I sighed, fingertips grazing the empty space beside me.

It would be so good to have her close.

* * *

Friday passed by quietly, sunlight bathing my desk in a warm glow as I sipped lukewarm coffee and finished overdue paperwork on the last few closed cases that needed to be filed away. Quiet music played from my computer as I fought the urge to glance at the time.

A quick knock on the door drew my attention up, watching as Norah invited herself in. I met her gaze, my heart dropping the moment I registered the regretful look painting her features.

I dropped my pen onto the desk with a quiet clatter, sitting heavily back in my chair. _Of course._

"Parking garage off of Nelson, body was found half an hour ago, beaten with a pipe. I need you on this"

I let out a sigh, running my hands over my face and into my hair before using them to push away from my desk. I met her gaze again with a tired nod.

"I'll head over now"

"I'm sorry that crime won't wait for your romantic weekend rendezvous" she joked, though I knew it was sincere. I had been quietly ecstatic about this all week.

"Yeah well, I'm sure if he'd known he would have waited till Monday"

Walking out of the air conditioned building the stagnant heat hit me like a wall, made infinitely worse by the broken promise of ocean breezes and cold wine on a seaside patio. I slid my aviators on, fishing my phone from my pocket with a quiet groan of frustration.

Reaching my squad car, I leaned back against the door, raising the phone to my ear.

"_Hey_" Sara greeted cheerfully on the second ring. "_I'm at the grocery store- what sounds better to you, Mediterranean veggie skewers or a tofu rice bowl?"_

"Sara-"

"_I know how you love your meat but you'll survive a weekend without it_" she teased.

I sighed, kicking absently at the crumbling cement with a booted foot.

"I'm not going to make it"

_"… oh_"

"Another body was just found on this serial case I'm working…" I sighed, pressing my eyes shut. "I'm sorry"

"_It's okay. That's the job right?"_

I cursed this god damn killer and my position as captain at the narrowly masked disappointment in her voice.

"_We'll plan for something else… something better"_

"Yeah… I'll call you when I can, okay?"

"_Okay… be safe_"

I dropped into the car, flipping on the air conditioning and the radio in an attempt to drown out the sudden chaos of my thoughts.

* * *

The body of a young businessman discovered in a distant corner of a busy parking garage, beaten into something unrecognizable. A pipe without prints, video surveillance that captured nothing of the attack. Three interviews later and we were no closer to an answer.

"It has to be drug related" I pressed, keeping an eye on Chief White who seemed less than convinced. He paced across the length of Norah's office, tapping calloused fingers against his leg- a nervous tick that never failed to make me uneasy.

"This guy had no ties to the drug world, we talked to his girlfriend, his sister…"

"We've concluded that Bastion is a drug dealer, what would his motive be if not related to drugs?"

Norah nodded her agreement, dark curls tied back in a thick, short ponytail- a telltale sign that she hadn't been home in days.

"She's right, the serial nature of these murders must be tied to some sort of drug related retribution… we're not dealing with some meticulous killer here"

"Well we've had three bodies… four if you count the one who lived, and no evidence. Not a shred, so if that's not meticulous then I don't know what is"

A knock on the door garnered our attention, Cassidy poking her head into the office. She met my gaze with a soft smile.

"Sorry to interrupt, but there's a man here who wants to talk to you"

I sighed, pushing out of the chair across from Norah's desk.

"This guy might not be visibly involved with drugs, but the first three were, so I say we follow the evidence" I concluded, grateful to escape the circular debate as I headed out into the hall.

"You look tired" Cassidy noted quietly, falling in stride with me as we headed towards reception.

"Thanks" I shot her a sideways amused smirk, our shoulders brushing.

"I mean beautiful, but… how are you doing?"

Her sweetness was almost unbearable. It had been weeks since we'd shared as much as a conversation and while I knew she deserved more than being casually brushed off, this wasn't the time. I turned towards her, meeting her gaze steadily.

"I'm good, please don't worry about me"

She stared at me for a lingering moment before giving a soft nod. I turned, met with the sight of Reid Johnson pushing out of one of the hard backed reception chairs.

"What can I do for you Reid?" I asked, wandering towards him.

He glanced around, scratching his head anxiously before meeting my gaze.

"Can we talk somewhere? I've got some information for you"

_Praise fucking be_. I gave him a nod, leading him towards one of the empty interrogation rooms. Any shred of information would be useful to us at this point.

Sitting across from one another, separated by a thick metal table, it took him a few moments to speak. I waited silently, tapping my fingers together in anticipation.

"Okay look, I'm only here because Amara is mixed up in this and she doesn't know what she's doing. She thinks she's in love" he chuckled humorlessly, shaking his head before looking back at me. "I'm not in the business of offering intel to cops, but I want these guys locked up"

"So do we" I assured him, crossing my arms as I leaned back in the chair. "What do you know?"

He told me about a large, run down house on the outskirts of town where he was certain the drugs came in and out of. A man that showed up on occasion to oversee the operation- Bastion, I presumed. Ian 'something-or-other', the man his sister was involved with, appeared to be manning the operation in exchange for free housing.

I showed him a picture of the latest victim- a man who he claimed he'd seen come by the house, confirming my theory that this was all drug related.

"My sister… she's just a kid, she doesn't know what she's doing"

"If she's caught up in this she's going to have to answer for it, you know that..." He gave his head a shake, glancing away with a quiet scoff. "But she's underage and a judge will take that into account" I assured him. Leaning across the table I touched his wrist gently, staring at him until he met my gaze.

"Look, if it comes down to it, I'll make sure she's safe and treated fairly. Okay?"

He stared back at me for a long moment before sitting back, giving me a nod. I pushed out of the cold metal seat, giving his shoulder a gentle squeeze on the way past.

"I appreciate this, Reid. We'll do everything we can"

"Sofia"

I glanced back with an amused raise of an eyebrow at the casual use of my name.

"Be careful out there alright, those guys aren't messing around"

A smile ghosted over my lips, giving him a nod.

"Don't worry, I guarantee we've dealt with worse"

* * *

It was just after seven, sun casting long rays across the wide open yard of 1304 Terrel Lane. I could taste sweat on my upper lip as I stared at Lea, our eyes locked as my heart pounded like a hammer in my chest.

_Breathe. Focus. _It suddenly became a mantra.

My hands were steady despite the panic lodged in my throat, threatening to escape as I held the glock firmly in a practiced grasp. I tore wide eyes away from her frightened ones, narrowly registering the sound of orders and demands being shouted around us.

He was young- too young to be in this position, and I was aware of the added danger. There was no calculation to his actions, no forethought. Just terror and reactivity- a bad combination with a gun aimed at someone's head.

He was looking around with wild eyes, confused by the chaos of commands being shouted from every direction, and I knew I needed to take control.

"Hey, look at me" I shouted, garnering his attention.

"If you pull that trigger nobody wins, especially not you. Why don't you just put the gun down and we can figure this out"

"Do you think I'm stupid?" he shouted, closing the slight distance between him and Lea, forcing the barrel of the gun against her temple as he grabbed her, using her slim body like a shield. Her eyes pressed shut, biting down on her bottom lip and my legs felt instantly weak beneath me.

"There's no way out of this for me, and I'm sure as _hell_ not leaving here in handcuffs"

"Would you prefer a body bag, because that's the other option"

His eyes darted around again, slightly glassy- panicked and desperate. I wet my suddenly dry lips, painfully aware that this wasn't my area of expertise, but regardless this situation was in my hands.

"I don't think you're stupid, Ian. The charges we've got you on are not the end for you- you take responsibility and then you go on with your life. If you make the wrong decision here, it's all over. Is that really what you want?"

His panicked gaze found mine again and I felt sweat beading at the back of my neck; felt my heart thundering. The chaos of the moment had quieted into near silence, the tension unbearable.

"Just let her go and we'll sort it out, okay? This doesn't have to be the end"

He didn't move, my fingertip brushing against the trigger, prepared for the worst as I prayed to a God I didn't believe in that he would just let her go. Just put the gun down. Just surrender.

Blue eyes stared into mine for what felt an eternity and as I began clamouring for encouraging words that simply weren't there, he shoved Lea away, turning the gun on himself with a soft cry- pained and animalistic. My gaze didn't waver, nor did my stance, but the relief that washed over me was immense.

"Ian, it's not worth it. Please, just put it down"

Tears streaked down his cheeks, the barrel of the gun digging into his skin. Another small eternity passed before he dropped the gun down to his waist, pausing a moment before placing it onto the ground. Sobs racked his thick frame and the officers who had been standing by with bated breath immediately descended on him with renewed vigor.

I let out a heavy breath, hands falling down to my sides as I dropped my head back to stare up at the cloudless sky.

"Nice work" Detective Lane offered, his thick hand falling heavily on my shoulder as he passed by.

I returned my gun to its holster, wiping sweaty palms against my pants. The steadiness that had carried me through wore off almost instantly, hands trembling as I clenched my fists in an attempt to center myself, taking another calming breath. I turned, scanning the scene for Lea. She was leaning against a large Oak tree, two officers standing tentatively by.

Dark eyes met mine as I approached and she pushed herself up with a weary smile.

"You're a fucking godsend, do you know that?" she asked, voice unsteady. A smile played over my lips as I wrapped my arms around her, silently praising that non-existent God, just for good measure.

"I'm sorry, you shouldn't have been in that position, we should have been better prepared"

"That is not on you" she assured me firmly, pulling back to look me straight in the eyes. "You good?"

I chuckled, glancing at the officers as I wrapped an arm loosely around her waist. I knew she felt my unsteadiness as she grabbed my trembling hand, giving it a comforting squeeze.

"Clear the house and if it's as loaded with coke as I imagine it is, call in CSI"

"Yes ma'am"

I steered us towards my cruiser, taking another shaky breath.

"Let's get the hell out of here"

* * *

I was on my second dram of whiskey when I slipped out of Norah's sights and into the quiet of my office. I dropped onto my couch, staring at the large abstract painting on the wall that I hadn't chosen- the calming strokes of pale pink and foggy morning grey. I pulled my phone from my pocket, distracting myself for a few minutes before breaking down and dialing the familiar number.

"Hey" I greeted quietly at the sound of Sara's warm voice. It was late- too late for phone calls, but it didn't matter.

"_I was just thinking about you_"

I smiled, taking a sip of scotch, revelling in the slow burn.

"Enjoying the cabin?"

"_I'd be enjoying it more if you were here, but I suppose I can't complain"_

I let out a quiet breath, listening to the faint sound of a sliding door on the other end; the clinking of glasses.

"_Is everything okay?_"

Her voice was full of concern and I considered telling her the truth- that I'd nearly witnessed a murder-suicide on my watch; nearly lost a friend. That my hands were still shaking. That I should have been better prepared. That I wasn't sure this job was worth the terror and deep seated exhaustion that it so often carried. But something held me back.

"Yeah" I assured her after a moment of silence, sinking further into the couch. "I just wanted to hear your voice… what are you doing right now?" I asked before she could push any further.

"_I just went for a swim, and now I'm about to enjoy a very expensive bottle of Bordeaux_"

I smiled, swirling whiskey absently around in the thick glass.

"Isn't the water freezing?"

"_It's refreshing_" she corrected, and I chuckled.

"Okay… well I won't keep you"

"… _Are you sure everything is alright?"_

Something about the fact that she could read me so well, even from a distance, brought an unexpected burn of tears to my eyes. I blinked them away, tipping my head back against the couch cushions to stare at the ceiling.

"Yeah, it's fine. I'm just bummed I'm not there sharing overpriced wine with you"

She chuckled softly. "_Me too_"

A few moments of comfortable silence and I let out a breath, holding my phone with an unnecessary tenderness.

"I'll talk to you soon"

"_Okay… sweet dreams_"

I hung up, heart heavy. Hands still unsteady. Head aching with the combination of an adrenaline crash and earthy whiskey.

A soft knock on the door drew my attention up to watch Cassidy slip into my office, pulling the door shut behind her. I cocked an eyebrow at her assumptions, pushing back into an upright position.

"Please, come in" I mused sarcastically, shooting her a half smile. She stared at me with dark eyebrows knit together into a troubled expression. Her dark waves were tied up in an uncharacteristic ponytail, her usual blouse replaced by a thin tank top, displaying an intricate sleeve of botanical tattoos.

"Did you come back in?... Cass, everything's fine…" I assured her with an ease that I didn't feel, gazing up at her with tired eyes. The conversation that Norah and I had the evening she figured out what exactly our relationship had become played through the back of my mind. "_She's going to fall in love with you, you do realize that right? Don't be naïve". _

She sighed, moving slowly across the room, dropping down onto her knees in front of me. I watched as she tangled a hand in my hair, thumb running softly over the sensitive skin behind my ear.

"You think I don't know you? You're not fine"

I stared into hypnotizing green eyes for a few long moments before letting out a shaky breath, tipping back the rest of my whiskey and setting it on the table beside me. Her pale hand slid down to the back of my neck, pulling me into a soft kiss.

It was almost chaste, yet intense. I let myself get lost in it for a few moments, drawing all the comfort I could from her before breaking gently but firmly away. I felt her warm breath against my cheek for a long moment before she leaned back to look at me. Her thumb brushed over my skin, eyes searching mine.

"This is over, isn't it?"

I stared at her, once again taken off guard by tears suddenly burning my eyes. The lump in my throat. I wasn't in love, but she had been a place of solace for what felt like an eternity now. There was a safety in our strange relationship; in our unattachment.

She was beautiful, all freckles and alabaster skin. She wrote jokes on sticky notes and stuck them to files she brought me on hard days. She instinctively knew when I needed her to stay- to sleep beside me and not question whether or not I was okay.

She didn't hold the intensity that always seemed to attract me; wasn't rough around the edges, wasn't deeply damaged. Even still, I'd been taken by her impossible softness. Perhaps under different circumstances we could have made an honest go of this, but my heart simply wasn't here. It was 300 miles away, in uncertain hands.

"I just… need to figure some things out"

A sad smile played over her lips.

"You're in love with her. I can't compete with that"

I grappled for words but she leaned back in to capture my lips before I could speak. Pulling away, her eyes trailed over my features as she ran her thumb absently over my bottom lip with a soft shake of her head.

"Damn it"

She punctuated that sentiment with a final kiss, deep and full of intention. She squeezed my knee softly before standing back up, running her hands over her pretty face before giving her head a shake, as though to erase whatever it was she was feeling. The tenderness I felt towards her then was immense.

"Are you going to be okay tonight?"

I smiled, brushing back a tear before it fell, nodding softly.

"Yeah, I'm just gonna go…" I searched for an end to that statement- home was the last place I wanted to be, and I couldn't stay here without dealing with the harsh intensity of Norah's concern.

"Weren't you supposed to be down in San Francisco this weekend?"

"Yeah, that… didn't work out"

"You should go. Spend the day with her, get out of here"

I opened my mouth to protest, but came up empty. Three hours of driving was far better than lying awake in the suffocating heat, replaying today's events. All I really wanted was to be close to her.

I sighed, pushing a hand through my tired hair before standing up. I wandered over, cupping her cheek tentatively as I brushed my thumb over a perfect cheekbone.

"Are we going to be okay?" I asked quietly. She took a deep breath, hand coming up to press against mine before moving it down to her mouth, pressing a lingering kiss to my palm.

"Of course"

I pretended not to notice the sheen of tears in her eyes; the way it turned them an impossible shade of green. She let go of my hand, moving back towards the door.

"For what it's worth, I've always loved you" she spoke gently, offering a genuine half smile before slipping out the door.

I stared after her for a long moment before letting out a deep breath, running my fingers through tired hair.

"Jesus" I muttered quietly as I moved to grab keys, desperate to shake off this overwhelming day.

* * *

_Thanks for reading! Floodlights by Anna Ash- rediscovered this song recently and it strangely adds perfect context to the story. Also, it's just a beautiful song. Hope you're all doing well, sending my love to wherever you are. _


	12. Chapter 12

_Thanks for reading! Hope you're doing well. Feedback is deeply appreciated. (Thanks Emz89 for always offering your thoughts!)_

* * *

_Sara_

The roar of the ocean sounds like home; the feel of mist-like rain against my skin. I can breathe for the first time in months- a combination of humid air and perpetual movement surrounding me. Coastal wind playing through the trees; the ebb and flow of the turbulent sea.

Clouds hang low and heavy, obscuring the miles of ocean and sky that exist on the horizon. I can see them moving just overhead, thick and tangible, a beautiful illusion that slips through my cold fingers, leaving nothing but rain. It's how everything feels to me now- illusionary and unattainable. My relationship with Gil, the fight towards contentment as a CSI, my pitifully hopeful grasp on the woman who holds my heart.

He tried to call me this morning, a missed video chat at some ungodly hour. Perpetually unaware or unconcerned of my schedule. I won't call him back- the divorce has gone through and whatever friendship we had was severed the moment he stopped bothering to check in. The moment he ended things with no explanation. Any semblance of romance was dead between us years ago, but I deserved more than a phone call. I had tried to convince myself that there was some unbreakable bond worth holding onto, but that was merely an illusion and I was left untethered.

A fog horn sounds in the distance and I close my eyes, bathing in the almost overwhelming familiarity of it all. I pull my hands into the long sleeves of my rust brown sweater, the wool scratching my freckled skin. My hair is damp and wild, just as it used to be when I called San Francisco home. I forgot galoshes and my feet are damp as I walk along the shoreline in impractical boots, but I don't mind. I'm tired of sun scorched earth and relentless sun. Dust and fires and violent death.

I've grown to love the desert, but it feels barren to me now. It's too much- the stagnation, the suffocation, the hundreds of bodies that will never stop haunting me. I nearly died among the sand dunes. I unravelled there- biding time until I fled. Warrick was laid to rest beneath Poplar trees and it doesn't feel like peace- it feels like a wound that will never quite heal.

I lost Sofia there. It was all so beautiful when I was falling in love- the brilliant sky at night, the cool evenings we spent in the canyons, crystal lakes on scorching days. I saw the Dogwood trees and the Agave blooms; fell in love with the distant mountain ranges against a pale blue sky. After she left, it all felt different somehow.

I push her from my mind before she can overtake it. It's too easy to see her beside me, staring off at the ships that you can almost make out in the foggy distance, commenting on the dismal weather. To imagine her in my life, reading through reports at my kitchen table with intense scrutiny as I make dinner, slipping into bed after a typical late night run. Making playful, sarcastic comments as we watch movies on the couch. Evenings on the porch, discussing our day. I crave it so deeply it feels like a deep seated ache.

I don't know how to say "I love you" without it feeling like a weapon. I can't say "I want you" without causing pain. In typical direct fashion she had laid it all out in front of me and I hadn't even been able to muster the courage to deny her to her face; to let go of my false sense of security and follow my heart. Now our lives are hundreds of miles apart and I don't know how to make this work and I don't know how to let this go. I don't know how to earn her trust. I feel suddenly weak, finding a large driftwood log to sit down against, the ground cold beneath me.

I get lost in the rhythmic crash of waves, quieting my mind until I catch a glimpse of something in my periphery. Before I can turn to look, the figure drops down in front of me, hands resting on my folded knees, amber eyes meeting mine with a smile that spreads across her beautiful face.

Olivia.

I smile, immediately pulling her into a hug. It's an awkward angle and she laughs, thin arms tangling around me regardless.

"You know, when you invite someone over the polite thing to do is wait for them" she chastises as she pulls back, hands falling down to my knees once again. My lips pull into a half smile, drinking in the sight of her.

"Sorry, I didn't think you'd be here so soon"

Her wavy hair is short on the one side, longer and messy on the other. Her signature septum ring is still in place, subtle and intricate.

We'd spent so many afternoons on moody beaches, sharing beer and conversations. She loved to jump into tumulus seas and I loved to watch her; to snap photos and read books as I lounged on worn out blankets. The first time we kissed had been on a colder beach than this, 22 and carefree.

Our shared path towards a masters in physics split off when she gave it up for a guitar and a broken down van and a life on the road. She always seemed to find her way back to me and I was always in love with her. When the trial was over and I had stepped into this beautiful cabin, the excitement of time with Sofia crushed, I had called her, desperate to keep the loneliness out.

A fog horn sounds once again in the distance and she smiles, tucking my mess of hair behind an ear before standing up and reaching out for my hand.

"Come on, it's too cold out here"

* * *

I'm flipping absently through a book on Relative Theory, my gaze continually drifting towards the floor-to-ceiling windows of the living room, mind wandering. Olivia is lounging on the opposite end of the couch, stumming quietly on a guitar, trying out different sounds as she plays around with lyrics about autumn and loss. The sun that finally made an appearance is setting, casting long rays over the ocean, the sky a masterpiece of purples and golds.

She's gotten a few more tattoos since I last saw her- a thick circle that wraps around a slender shoulder. A Gingko leaf on her forearm. The branch-like lines that wrap from behind her neck to beneath her collar bones still look fresh despite the many years they've seen. I look for the small honeybee on her inner bicep, a smile ghosting over my lips as I catch a glimpse of it. The familiarity of her feels so comforting now.

I reach out to grab my glass of wine, taking a final sip. I feel Olivia sit up, grabbing the bottle of Bordeaux from the table and pouring us both another glass. I thank her, raising it up in a half-hearted cheers.

"So, do you miss him?" she asked lightly, abandoning her guitar on the loveseat and turning her focus onto me. I gave my head a single shake, tipping back a sip of wine.

"I did, but honestly… I'm not sure it was ever really about him"

She just stared at me; straight through me. She had an unnerving way of making you feel as though she was reading your mind. I was afraid she might push this conversation that I didn't want to have, but she seemed to accept that as answer enough.

"And this woman you've been so brutishly evading questions about… do you miss her?"

I sighed, putting my wine glass down and dropping back into the cushions, pulling my legs up and stretching out.

"Yeah" I answer simply, offering a fleeting half smile that I hope masks the pain that simple question evokes. Of course I miss her. I miss everything about her.

She's silent for a long moment, eyes searching mine. I watch her set down her wine glass and sit up, fixing me with a look I know well.

"And what about me… have you missed me?"

"Of course" I answer without hesitation. She was the closest person to me for the better part of ten years. She was the first woman I loved.

She smiles that gentle smile that reaches her almond eyes, hand coming to rest on my ankle that is invading her space. She holds my gaze as her thumb brushes softly over the skin below the cuff of my jeans, and suddenly I know exactly where this is leading.

I can't seem to find the words to tell her no, and I'm not sure I want to. I feel a flutter in my stomach as she shifts her position, crawling across the couch and sliding a leg over my waist, settling easily back on my hips. She's wearing small denim shorts and I notice the tattoos on her thigh, until her hands come to rest on either side of my head and my gaze draws up to hers.

My hands instinctively fall to her hips, breath catching lightly in my throat as her hand brushes absently through my hair. It trails down my neck, over a breast bare beneath my t-shirt, and settles against my lower stomach. My grip tightens against her waist, heart rate speeding up.

Her eyes search mine for another moment, as though testing the waters, before she leans down to capture my lips in a fevered kiss. And it's all reactive- the quiet moan that escapes, the way my body arches up into hers, searching for more contact. We had been here so many times before- I knew her body, knew her touch. After too many years in a passionless relationship, I was desperate to feel.

Her hand slides beneath my shirt, moving steadily up to cup my breast and I'm pulling her hips into mine, earning a moan as her hand explores my skin. My fingers tangle in her hair, pulling her closer as the other tightens around her waist, and the realization that this all feels wrong slowly begins creeping in. It's not soft hips and thick, golden hair. Her quiet moans are familiar and dizzying, but they're not that smooth, intoxicating sound that I haven't been able to shake.

I break away, panting against her neck for a moment as I collect myself. Eventually I drop my head back against the pillows and meet her gaze with an apologetic look. She's beautiful, but my heart just isn't here.

"I can't do this" I breathe out, thumb brushing softly against her thigh as I try to regain control of my breathing. She stares down at me for a moment before her hand plays through my dark hair and she sits back on my hips with a sigh.

"She's really got a grip on you, doesn't she?"

She doesn't wait for a response, dropping back against the opposite side of the couch, fixing me with an intrigued look.

"So let's hear it"

She reaches over to grab her wine glass, and while I'm grateful that she's not offended, I'm not sure I want to get into it. It's not something I'd ever really discussed at any length, not even with Greg.

The only one who knew was Catherine, and she had figured out on her own. Sofia and I had shared an intense moment in the old, cramped bathroom at Warrick's funeral. Between losing him and seeing her again, I was barely holding it together. I had pushed out of the bathroom and out of the church and stood in the small lawn area, shaken and trying desperately to hold myself together. The unshakable force that was Catherine appeared emotionally battered by the day, but she hadn't hesitated in following me over and immediately enveloping me in her arms.

_"Did you know she'd be here?" _she had asked gently, and I didn't have the energy to feign ignorance or wonder how she knew when not another soul had pieced it together. _"I should have" _I had answered quietly, and she'd squeezed my hand and held it until I managed to collect myself. To my relief we never discussed it again, but Olivia's expectant gaze told me that there would be no such regard for my privacy tonight.

"There's really not that much to say" I mused, sounding unbelievable even to myself. She raised an eyebrow and I sighed.

"Okay that's a lie, there's a lot to say. I wouldn't even know where to begin"

"At the beginning is usually a good place" she prompted, my brows knitting into an amused glare as I reached for my wine.

The beginning. That cocky, beautiful CSI that got inexplicably under my skin. The way my irritation quickly turned into a friendship after the Bell shooting, when her seemingly impenetrable brash confidence slipped away for a few lingering moments and I really saw her.

I recalled the morning that I met her in the locker room at PD for a run. The group of men a row over had made some objectifying comments about her, unaware of her presence; chuckled about how her gun belt wasn't the only thing she liked to strap on. "_Doesn't it bother you?" _I'd asked after they cleared out. She just glanced at me with an amused grin as she gathered long hair up into a ponytail. "_The ratio of men to women is ten to one in law enforcement, I've been dealing with guys like that from day one_" she'd mused, raising her arms into a quick stretch before moving past me, pausing to meet my gaze with that perpetually smug look. "_Besides, they're not wrong"_

It had been a hopeless fight against my own heart from there. I told her about the countless evenings spent in the desert, just talking and laughing and sharing cheap beer like some sort of inside joke. About Sofia's unwavering support. About the guilt I felt every time I went back to Grissom, because nothing ever happened between us but deep down I knew she was taking over my heart.

I told her about the night I realized I was in love. Watching her at a crime scene, taking off after a suspect with pure determination and fury. Watching her ignore every order to back down. I'd been paralyzed with fear, anxious and unfocused until I'd gotten my sights on her back at the lab. Her rapidly bruising cheekbone, the way she clenched her fists against the pain of four bruised ribs while ignoring the backlash with a calm, stubborn indignation. I'd dragged her into the showers for the privacy to give her hell for being so reckless. Not because she compromised the scene and complicated the case and created cause for an investigation by the DA- because she had put herself in harm's way. She had sought out the danger. Because it could have so easily gone sideways and I could have been watching them load her up in a body bag and I was not about to lose her.

She'd just stared at me with those cornflower eyes, pained yet defensive, her ponytail low and distressed. And in that moment, I realized with perfect clarity what I felt for her. I'd touched the sensitive flesh of her stomach and kissed her with the love I couldn't speak. I'd walked away without so much as an explanation, once again guilt ridden and confused.

I told her about waking up in the hospital and searching for blue eyes, instead being met with concerned grey ones. About Sofia's messy, beautiful declarations of love, and how incredible it had felt to finally be with her; to kiss her and not stop. The raw intensity and emotional release and how gorgeous she had looked tangled in my bedsheets as I left an apology on the nightstand and ran. The shockwaves of pain that peaked two days later when she announced to a few of us in passing that she was leaving. How it felt to deal with the trauma of my abduction and my suddenly exposed relationship with a man I had been actively betraying, all while my heart was in absolute shambles.

I press my head back into the soft cushions, bringing my free hand up to brush away silent tears that I don't even bother trying to hold back.

"I was so hurt and angry that she left me like that. But being with her again, and hearing her side of this…"

I breathe out a heavy sigh, dropping my hand back down to my stomach and meeting Olivia's intense amber gaze.

"I'm not sure she will ever trust me again"

"And what about you?"

I frown softly in confusion, her leg pressing gently against my own.

"This may come as a shock to you, but you have some pretty deep seated abandonment issues"

I scoff, glancing away but she knees my leg until I shift my gaze back to her.

"You loved her, and she left you. The rest is irrelevant to someone who has felt abandoned time and time again"

I rest the base of my glass against my stomach, brushing back another stray tear.

"Okay, Dr. Phil…"

"Sara" she presses gently and I sigh, meeting her gaze.

"I'm the one who ran from her… from us. She just walked away from a…" I puff out a breath, gaze drifting up towards the wooden ceiling. "Toxic situation"

"You had just been through hell, don't be so hard on yourself"

Uncomfortably shaken by this conversation, I take a drawn out sip of wine before sitting up and grabbing her knee gently.

"Wanna go for a surf?"

She stares at me for a moment, considering whether to press this topic, before ultimately dropping it with a soft smile. She nods, throwing her legs off the couch and standing up.

"I thought you'd never ask"


	13. Chapter 13

The vast desert slowly became mountainous and forested as I drove South down the I-80, trying to focus on the scenery and not my anxiety inducing thoughts. I couldn't stop going over the series of events that led to a gun pressed to Lea's head. To only one arrest and a seizure of $10,000 worth of narcotics- not even a quarter of what I was certain they had.

I'd stopped at home to change into something more casual; to put some food out for Leonard and hold him close with a mumbled apology for my disorderly actions. I'd made coffee for the road, texted Sara my plan, and driven straight to Lake Tahoe. It was quiet at 4 am, the stars still visible in the lightening sky. The first early rising campers along the shores crawling out of their tents to build a fire; to catch the brilliant sunrise.

This was Cassidy's form of stress relief that she had all but forced me to adopt. She had caught me running myself, quite literally, into the ground in the department gym one night. I'd been working a brutal case involving two children and the perpetrator had managed to slip through our fingers. She took my weak hand and drove me to the lake shore, playing my favourite Van Halen album the entire way, keeping quiet despite her incessant desire to ask if I was okay.

I never deserved her. I knew that.

On the vacant rocks hidden behind a row of Ponderosas, I slipped out of my clothes. The air was cool and I didn't give myself time to think as my feet pushed off of the low boulder, my naked body gliding smoothly into the water. I gulped in a large breath of fresh air as I broke to the surface, the icy shock a deep comfort. It felt like a cleansing of sorts; a small exercise in focusing on the here and now. The sky was taking on a purple hue and I gently treaded water, drinking in the stark beauty; reveling in the much needed solitude.

When the sun finally did rise over the mountains, I was somewhere between Roseville and Sacramento, an old Lightnin' Hopkins CD playing quietly as I slipped on my aviators, letting my elbow rest casually on the window sill, the cool air playing through my hair.

_This is a good idea,_ I told myself for the twelfth time that morning. _Don't overthink it._

I stopped by a small, run down café on the outskirts of Sacramento, frowning as Sara's voicemail played through my phone, flipping it shut with a sigh. She was probably still sleeping, much to my dismay. I had planned to give her some form of warning before I showed up to take over her day, but it was becoming apparent that this was going to be more of a surprise intrusion.

Grateful to avoid the San Francisco traffic, I turned off towards Bolinas, feeling surprisingly at peace. The issues awaiting me at home seemed suddenly a million miles away, the cool air a relief against my sun darkened skin. The forest eventually opened up after a few turns down dusty side roads, sweeping views of the ocean spread out in front of me. Gravel flew up against the bottom of my truck as I searched for lot #34, finding the sign posted up on the thick trunk of a towering Ponderosa.

The driveway was long and tree lined, leading to a cabin that sat on a small hill just above the beach. Sara's Prius was parked in front, a bicycle leaning against the front of the house. I checked my phone to see if she had replied, blowing out a breath as I sat forward, pulling the rear view mirror down to meet my own gaze. I dragged my fingers through hopelessly tangled hair in a fruitless attempt at taming it. I looked like someone else with my torn jeans and bare face. Someone soft and carefree. Someone easier to love.

I shook that thought away, pushing the mirror firmly back into place and taking a deep breath. I pushed out of the truck, the door creaking obnoxiously, disrupting the peaceful morning quiet. The cabin was covered in cedar shakes, a few large Lavender bushes set against it. A fishbone brick path led up to the door- it was quainter than I imagined. The air was cool and humid, a chill creeping over me as I flipped my aviators back onto my nose out of pure habit, leaning in to knock on the door.

It was a long moment of silence and I prayed that I wouldn't have to sit out here awkwardly waiting for her to wake up. I was about to knock again when the door pulled open, revealing a confused looking Sara. Her brows knit softly together, but a smile spread over her face as she pulled the door fully open.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, eyes scanning over my form before meeting mine again with a wide, gap toothed grin. I pushed the sunglasses onto my head, drinking in the sight of her- hair damp and wild, a large t-shirt dampened assumedly by the shower. A loose pair of boxers showed off her long legs, and a smile pulled at my lips as she stepped back to allow me space to enter.

"I sent you a couple of messages, you didn't get them?" I asked, wandering into the open space.

"I turned my phone off last night- I wanted to get in a surf and a peaceful cup of coffee before work took over my day" she explained, eyes trained on me as I glanced around the rustic space.

"You came" she mused softly, pursing her lips into a smile and my stomach summersaulted, unsure what to do with my hands. It was that look again- that tender one that made me feel everything all at once. I just offered a half smile, pulling my sunglasses off uneasily and moving to set them onto the wooden counter.

"I hope this is alright, you made it sound so appealing" I said, uncomfortable with this foreign feeling of uncertainty. A few weeks ago I had barely managed to tear myself out of her arms, parting ways with a drawn out kiss goodbye. Our conversations since then had been mildly flirtatious, but never directly. Never confronting the serious questions lingering between us. And now… I was completely unsure what to expect.

She chuckled, wandering over to where I was standing. Hesitating awkwardly in front of me, her eyes slowly searched mine before she leaned forward, wrapping me in her arms. She smelled like cedar and patchouli, her hair dampening my neck, my shirt. I loved the way her body melded into mine- a tiny reassurance that whatever it was we were doing here, it was more than friendship. It was more than a casual affair.

"Yeah, it's alright" she assured me quietly, voice muffled by my hair. Her thumb grazed softly back and forth over my lower back and I pulled back just far enough to look at her. Her hands entwined behind my back, keeping me close as my eyes lingered on her skin- olive toned and freckled from the sun. Her smile lines. Her expressive eyes that held nothing but warmth. I reached up, letting my fingers play absently through her wild hair, the image of her surfing this morning surprisingly arousing.

"California suits you" I told her, voice coming out a bit huskier than I'd meant for it to as I let my fingertips trail softly over the back of her neck. Her eyes dropped down to my lips and I smirked, feeling suddenly sure of myself as I leaned in to capture her lips in a kiss.

It was dizzying- languid and deep, her hands finding my hips and pulling me gently into her. I'd been craving this since the moment I left her, and the exhaustion that had been tugging at my mind was suddenly replaced by something more primal. My tongue slid into her mouth and the soft moan it elicited was intoxicating; the feel of her grip tightening on my hips.

That's Sara- gentle yet forceful. Soft yet intense. I barely registered that she was pushing me backwards until the edge of the counter pressed into my back. I could feel that something was holding her back, but I couldn't think beyond her electric touch. I bit down on her bottom lip, sucking it softly into my mouth before kissing her harder. She moaned, and I felt the hint of a smile play over her lips as her body pushed flush against mine.

I was dizzy with desire, her breath hot and laboured against my jaw, lips connecting with my neck as her hand slid beneath my shirt to grasp the bare flesh of my hip possessively.

"God I missed you" I breathed, an earthy moan escaping as her teeth grazed over my pulse point. I slid my hand from her lower back around to press firmly against her through her dark boxers. Her breath hitched and I leaned back to look at her with lust-drunk eyes, a half smirk playing over my lips. I loved seeing the way I could undo her, her eyelids leaden, fingers digging into the flesh of my waist. My breath was ragged as I drank in every little reaction.

"Fuck" she whispered, eyes falling shut as her mouth dropped down to my neck, hips pushing into my touch with a quiet moan. With that, any thought of moving this out of the front entrance was gone. I was desperate for the feel of her; for her hands on me. This was the nature of our relationship- easy and casual or deeply intense. I almost didn't notice the quiet creak of the bedroom door.

"Hey, what's- _oh my god_"

I felt Sara freeze, body suddenly ridged against me. My hands immediately dropped away from her, eyes flying over to the source of the intrusion.

There was a woman standing at the door of the bedroom- messy haired, in underwear and a tank top, looking simultaneously half asleep and wide awake. I pressed my hands to Sara's stomach, pushing her firmly backwards. Her eyes were scrunched shut, cracking open one eye to glance at me regretfully before turning towards the woman with a sigh.

"Yeah, I probably should have mentioned…" she trailed off quietly.

I tried to regain control of my breathing, running a hand over my ponytail that was barely containing my hair anymore. The woman was covered in tattoos, a few subtle piercings on her beautiful face. Her amber eyes were travelling over me slowly, and I wanted to hide from her scrutinizing gaze. I wanted to know what the hell was going on, though it seemed pretty clear.

A smirk finally played over her face as she spoke up, padding slowly towards us to lean against the island. "Sorry to interrupt… I'm Olivia"

A frown knitted my brow, opening my mouth to respond with a sharp inhale, but ultimately coming up empty. I turned my gaze towards Sara expectantly, a pang of pain hitting me so intensely it threatened to bow me over, but I dug my nails into my palms, refusing to let it show. I knew exactly who Olivia was- Sara had told me all about their casual affair that began in college and never officially ended. About falling in love with her, and this desire that had never really faded.

"This is not what it looks like" Sara stated after a long moment, a slight deer-in-the-headlights look painting her features. I glanced between the two of them before clicking my tongue softly, taking a step backwards.

"This… was such a mistake" I mused quietly, turning to go.

I could hear them exchanging hushed words as I reached the door. I wasn't sure which emotion was ruling- heartache at the idea of her with someone else; embarrassment at my assumptions that she would want me there; anger that she hadn't had the decency to mention this. I made it to my truck before I heard the door open, Sara padding barefoot down the path.

"Sofia"

I turned to face her, arms crossed tightly over my chest. Her chocolate eyes were pleading with me before she even spoke, and any anger I felt dissipated almost as rapidly as it had appeared.

"Why didn't you tell me she was here?"

She sighed, pushing a hand though her messy hair.

"I'm sorry, I should have mentioned it. But you surprised me, and then you kissed me, and I… wasn't thinking about anything else"

I scoffed, running my tongue over my lip before meeting her gaze intensely.

"We had an entire conversation last night, and you failed to mention that your hot ex-girlfriend was here keeping you company"

"I-" she dropped her hands to her side in defeat, shooting me a pleading look as she searched for the right words. "It just didn't seem important, and I didn't want you to get the wrong idea"

I scoffed, rolling my eyes slightly as I turned back towards my truck. I wasn't doing this. Her hand grabbed my wrist gently, tugging me back around.

"Please don't go"

"Look, you can do whatever you want Sara. You're single, and you sure as hell don't owe me anything. I'm just not doing this again"

She shook her head, hand sliding down to wrap around my palm.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you, okay? I just got here and felt… incredibly alone in another big house, and I knew she was staying in Bolinas. We were just catching up- you _know_ that I wanted to be here with you"

I clenched my jaw, glancing away, feeling suddenly foolish for reacting so strongly. For trying to convince myself that we could keep this simple when she held my entire heart in her uncertain hands.

"Please stay. And if you're going to leave, at least let me make you breakfast first"

I stared out at the ocean for a moment before shifting my gaze back to hers, scoffing quietly before brushing past her.

"Better be the best breakfast you've ever made" I muttered as I passed by, hearing her quiet chuckle behind me.

* * *

Olivia had thrown on a pair of baggy jeans and finger combed her hair into something less dishevelled. She offered me an uneasy smile as we wandered back into the cabin.

"I'm going" she stated casually, hip leaning against the counter next to the expresso machine. "But not without a shot for the road. I've been drinking instant coffee for going on three weeks now"

I could see why Sara had fallen for her, her laid back energy clear even in this tense situation. From what I knew about her, she was a bit of a vagabond. A brilliant musician. A native of the coast. A whole combination of things that I was not.

"Don't rush out of here on my account" I said, pausing next to the kitchen to lock eyes with her. "I didn't mean to interrupt your morning, I just wasn't expecting… this" I waved a hand tiredly between her and Sara in reference before continuing towards the French doors.

"I'm Sofia, by the way" I added over my shoulder.

"Oh I know" I heard her muse quietly as I slipped out the large glass doors.

The sun was casting golden rays across the ocean, laid out like an offering in front of me. A small set of stairs led down to a fire pit with string lights hung over it; a wide open path straight to the beach. I sank down into a large chair, the cold wood a shock against my skin.

The door opened and I glanced up to see Sara hold up a chunky wool sweater, tossing it over to me. It landed softly in my lap.

"You'll freeze out here" she explained, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. I offered a soft smile

"Thanks"

"Coffee?" she asked and I nodded, pulling the dark brown sweater over my head. It scratched my skin slightly, but it smelled of Sara. Of campfire and the sea. I tucked my hands into the long sleeves, sinking down slightly against the cushions.

The waves ebbed and crashed against the shore, a few surfers down the beach sitting around a small beach fire. Gulls cried out as they flew low over the water, and I drank in the misty air.

I thought I could do this- a weekend with her, in between our respective cities. Something easy and light- almost fun, like a secret between us. The reality was that it was impossible to ignore the heaviness that shadowed every kiss, every conversation. This had been light when we were friends toeing the line of an affair. When she would slide an arm around my waist in the night and my heart would soar and we wouldn't talk about it. But this wasn't a secret anymore, it wasn't an affair. It was my heart on the line, and this time I was painfully aware of it.

I pressed my eyes closed, taking a deep breath and clearing my mind. I focused on the sound of waves and birds, not even bothering to fight the pull of exhaustion.

* * *

The sound of waves broke into my consciousness, blinking my eyes slowly open against the soft light. Confusion blurred my mind for a moment as I looked out at the ocean, everything falling slowly into place as I turned my head to look over at Sara. She was gazing at me with warm eyes, a smile spreading over her face, pursing her lips softly as she closed the book that was in her lap.

"Well, your coffee is cold"

I rubbed my tired eyes, straightening up into a stretch, my body protesting the awkward position I had fallen asleep in. I glanced down at the two large porcelain mugs sitting on the wide arm of her chair.

"How long have I been sleeping?"

"About an hour"

I leaned over to grab the full mug, but Sara beat me to it, moving it out of reach. I shot her a look of confused irritation and she pursed her lips in an attempt to conceal a smile.

"You should lay down, have a nap"

I shook my head, but she spoke before I could protest further.

"When is the last time you slept?"

I paused, thinking over the past couple days, eliciting a soft snort from her.

"If you have to think that hard, it's been too long"

I wanted to protest, but I could barely keep my eyes open, the thick coastal air like a drug. I sighed, dragging a hand over my face before meeting her gaze. I stared at her for a long moment before letting out a soft sigh, entwining my hands tiredly in my lap.

"Can we just… focus on being friends again?"

I'm not sure I meant it, but I couldn't stop the words from coming out. I knew that this path was leading back into the deep well of heartbreak. Even as I looked at her, feeling the fierce desire to be closer, it held me back.

She seemed slightly taken aback, and I watched a series of emotions play over her face- confusion, sadness, understanding, frustration- before a sad smile settled on her lips.

"Yeah. And in my first official act of friendship, I'm asking you to get some sleep"

I smiled, nodding softly in agreement as I pushed tiredly out of the deep chair. She watched me wander across the deck, hesitating in the doorway before turning back to lock eyes with her.

"We need to talk" I said hesitantly, nails pressing into my palms. She smiled gently, tucking a stubborn lock of hair behind her ear.

"Yeah, we do… We will. Later"

I stared at her, the desire to close this distance between us so overwhelming I almost did. The truth was, I didn't want to talk about this. I wanted an easy, romantic day in this unfamiliar place. I wanted to feign ignorance- to pretend that no barriers existed between us. I wanted to dive straight into it- another exercise in the here and now. But this wasn't that simple- the sight of her half naked ex in the doorway of her bedroom a painful reminder of that.

So I sighed, breaking away from her gaze and moving inside, letting the exhaustion take over.


	14. Chapter 14

_I hope you're all safe and well and breathing less wildfire smoke than we are here in the West. Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoy.  
_

* * *

I woke tangled in pale linen sheets, momentarily confused by the unfamiliar feel; the afternoon light; the quiet sound of guitar drifting in from the other room. I blinked my eyes open, pushing up into a sitting position to take in my surroundings. The slate grey walls, the floor to ceiling windows with an incredible view of the ocean.

I pushed my hair back, puffing out a quiet breath. _Right_.

I should have been thrilled to wake up there. I _was_ thrilled. It's just that the uneasiness of what lay ahead overshadowed the rest. We were going to have a conversation that either led to some sort of future together or gut wrenching heartache. If seeing her this morning smiling at me in the doorway; kissing me breathless told me anything, it was that there was no acceptable in between. I was in love with her, and I wasn't willing to do this in halves.

The tough reality however, was that we were 400 miles apart working opposite shifts, with no easy answer. I pressed my eyes shut before dropping my hands down and taking a deep breath.

This uncertainty made me anxious.

I wouldn't usually hesitate at presenting her with an ultimatum- I wasn't exactly one for beating around the bush- but something gave me pause. Perhaps it was the fact that my heart was on the line, or that I wasn't sure where her head was at. Claiming to love me and pushing me up against kitchen counters didn't necessarily mean she wanted to be with me.

I glanced around, noting the in suite bathroom. At least I could take a shower, put myself somewhat together.

Eventually I padded out of the bedroom, careful not to draw attention to myself as I listened to Sara still lazily strumming the guitar. A little rest had done wonders for me, the lines beneath my eyes less like the dark side of half-moons. My chronic exhaustion a bit more subtle now. I still wore torn jeans, but opted for the form fitting white blouse that I had hastily thrown into my bag. I looked only slightly dishevelled, my hair combed out into golden silk.

She sang quietly, focusing on the fluid shift of chords. Some song about jealousy and the past that made my heart clench. She stumbled over a chord, cursing softly and I smiled, crossing my arms over my chest as I wandered into her line of sight.

"I've missed this" I mused, nodding towards the guitar as I sank down on to the loveseat beside the couch, absently rolling up my sleeves. She glanced up, a smile pursing her lips as her eyes scanned over my form before meeting my gaze.

"I'm out of practice" she admitted, setting the guitar down against the coffee table. She settled into the couch, turning her focus to me.

"Feeling better?"

I nodded, offering a soft smile. "Yeah. I guess I didn't realize I was running on empty"

She snorted, giving me a sympathetic glance. "Yeah I know all about that…"

Dark eyes observed me for a moment before squinting slightly, as though trying to get a read on me.

"Last night you sounded… worn out. You sure you're okay?"

I stared at her, considering whether to tell her about the chaos of yesterday. Eventually I let out a quiet breath, leaning back in the loveseat.

"Yeah. I was called out to a tough scene, things got out of hand…" I paused before giving my head an absent shake. "I'm a cop Sara, you know how it can be"

She continued staring at me with narrowed eyes, as though considering whether or not to let it go at that. Ultimately she sat back with a quiet sigh.

"I worry about you" she stated quietly, glancing over at the table to grab her coffee mug.

I let a smile play over my lips, giving a slight shrug. "Don't, I'm an excellent cop"

She smiled, fixing me with a soft look before it faded and she was just looking at me. Taking a sip of coffee, she let the mug linger at her lips and I tilted my head slightly, quirking an eyebrow.

"You made some big promises about breakfast"

Her lips pulled into a smile, lowering the mug into her lap as she relaxed against the couch.

"That was before you slept through the entire morning"

"What am I getting out of this visit if not free food?"

She raised an eyebrow, fixing me with an intense look before pursing her lips into a smile. A spark of arousal ignited in me, followed by a slight blush as my fingertips tapped together absently. It was an unfamiliar feeling to not having the upper hand in these flirtatious games. Even with the ever-relaxed Sara, I could always out maneuver her. But this wasn't a game to me anymore. I'd meant it when I said we should focus on being friends, despite the almost overwhelming desire to be closer.

"I'll uh, heat up some leftovers from last night"

I watched her move into the kitchen, eventually following suit, settling onto one of the stools lining the opposite side of the island. She had changed into real clothes- a pair of jeans and an olive colored t-shirt that made her eyes appear almost hazel. I admired her strong arms as she grabbed a frying pan from a hook on the wall. The way her hair refused to stay tucked back behind her ear.

She dumped a container into the pan, stirring it around absently before turning to lean against the counter, eyes finally meeting mine. I regarded her curiously, trying to figure out what exactly she was feeling. Her usually relaxed demeanour was absent, replaced by a nervousness that felt unfamiliar and out of place.

"Do you want something to drink? Water, soda…" she glanced at the clock before meeting my gaze again "beer?"

I let a smile drift over my lips, nodding towards the fridge.

"Water's good"

She seemed disappointed by my choice, staring longingly at the amber bottles at the back before grabbing the Brita container and pouring me a glass. I watched her shuffle around the kitchen until I couldn't stand it anymore.

"Sara"

She glanced up, meeting my gaze.

"Can we not… do this" I gestured between the two of us, at the invisible awkwardness.

"What do you want, Sofia?"

It came out gentle, with a touch of pleading. A touch of irritation. I swirled the water around in my glass absently, as though it was something stronger, before glancing back up at her.

"You drive out here, you kiss me, then you want to be friends. You want to have a conversation that you won't initiate, and you're upset that things are awkward…. What do you want from me?"

I gave my head a soft shake, though I wasn't quite sure at what. She was right- this wasn't the carefree day together I had in mind when I jumped in my car at three am in search of a little solace. She stirred the food around in the pan, the sizzle of the contents filling the silence.

I didn't want to tell her that I was attempting to protect myself by setting boundaries. I knew that it was an illusion, the soft crinkle next to her eyes when she smiles just as undoing as a her kisses. The truth was that it gave me some sense of control in a situation where I was at her mercy. I didn't want to tell her that I was dreading this conversation because, as complicated as our relationship was, there was still an air of ease and excitement to it. As soon as we laid it all out on the table, there would be no more ignoring the fact that it couldn't work, and I knew I would have to walk away.

"I just… want to be with you" I said, annoyed by how fragile the words sounded. I gazed past her, towards the doorway with a sigh.

"I know I said we need to talk, but… I'd rather do that later. Can we just try to spend the day together without this… awkward tension?"

I felt deeply uncomfortable with the sense of vulnerability lingering in me. She looked at me heavily for a few long moments before a smile twitched at the corner of her lips. She grabbed the pan, pouring the contents onto two plates silently. I watched her slide them across the island before moving around to where I was sitting. She stepped behind me, taking hold of the stool and turning me towards her.

Pensive eyes searched mine for a moment before she stepped forward. My legs parted to allow space for her as she enveloped me in a close embrace. I breathed in her scent, wrapping my arms around her waist, pulling her close. I could feel her breath against my neck, sending electricity through me that I forced myself to ignore. She tangled a hand in my hair, closing her fist around my blonde locks and holding me close.

"Yeah, of course" she said quietly, voice lost in my hair. The sensation of tears burning my eyes took me off guard. She felt like home. I felt safe there, in her warm embrace- it wasn't something I experienced often. I blinked them away, staring out the large windows over her shoulder, out at the glistening sea.

Eventually she pulled back, just far enough to look at me. Her eyes searched mine, dropping down to my lips for a moment before flicking back up to meet mine, a question in them. I was suddenly hyper-aware of her hips pressing into my inner thighs. How easy it would be to wrap my legs around her waist; to kiss her. As my mind was silently warring with my body, my painfully empty stomach let out a loud growl. A smile spread over Sara's lips, breaking the tension as she cupped my cheek, brushing a thumb over my jaw softly before stepping back.

"Alright, I hear you" she teased, holding her hands up in surrender towards my stomach with a grin before sliding onto the stool beside me.

We ate quietly before taking a walk along the beach. The water was cold against my bare feet, rushing up around them every once in a while, making me jump back in surprise. We discussed everything that didn't pertain to the questions surrounding us. She wanted to get a dog, now that she was settled. She wanted to spend more time on the water- boating, paddle boarding, kayaking. She didn't know how to leave her mom, and didn't know how to be close to her. She had been avoiding Grissom's calls, still holding some justified resentment. She missed Catherine more than she had anticipated. She had finally developed a taste for white wine. She was sick of the desert heat.

I broke down and told her the vague details of our current investigation- the way it felt to have the weight of three lives directly on my shoulders. I told her about my probable promotion to deputy chief. About the uncertainty I felt towards my mother's plans.

The sun was dipping low in the sky by the time we found ourselves back in the cabin, in search of a bottle of expensive Merlot. Her hair was even more unruly than before, cheeks flushed from the cool air. She wore her leather jacket, insisting that I wear the wool sweater she had brought despite the chill. '_I'm used to it'_ she promised.

"You know, I used to be able to open wine without a corkscrew"

I leaned a hip against the counter, quirking an eyebrow at her with a smirk.

"Poke a hole through it, push it through?"

She looked at me, brows furrowing slightly with a troubled expression.

"No… with a towel, a shoe and a wall"

I laughed- a sound that was almost foreign to me these days.

"I'd like to see that"

She chuckled, giving her head a shake.

"Strictly an emergency measure"

She turned towards the corkscrew laying on the counter, but I beat her to it, closing my hand around the cool metal and pulling it close to my body, biting back an amused grin.

"Well, what now?'

Her lips pulled into a half smile as she closed the distance between us. I slid the small metal tool behind my back, using my other hand to press firmly into her shoulder, keeping her at a distance.

"Come on, show me your party trick" I teased. She raised an eyebrow, pausing a moment before grabbing my wrist in a gentle but firm grip, twisting it back behind my body. Her other hand grabbed my fist, hips gently pushing mine back against the counter in the process.

Heat rushed through me, settling neatly in my lower stomach and I hoped she didn't notice my breath hitching at the sudden contact. I clamped down on my libido firmly, instead raising an eyebrow at her in amusement.

"Really, you're trying to out maneuver a cop?"

She pursed her lips into that adorable smile and after a moment I easily broke out of her hold, twisting her own wrist behind her back while my other hand slid over her shoulder, holding the corkscrew out behind her.

I wanted to say something teasing, but her eyes had darkened, and my breath was suddenly laboured. I squeezed her wrist, pressing my eyes shut for a moment, enjoying the feel of her body melded against mine. When I opened them, her gaze was trained on my lips, and I knew that if I gave into this there was no coming back. I gathered all my self-control, pressing my body into her as I leaned up to whisper against her ear.

"Stop trying to seduce me" I breathed, feeling her shudder softly against me, jaw clenching. Leaning back to look at her, she forced a lazy half smile.

"Why, is it working?"

That slow, Californian lilt paired with that smile was more than enough to undo me, but my phone buzzed loudly against the island, breaking the moment.

I pressed the corkscrew into her hand, holding her gaze for a long moment before sliding out from between her and the counter. I didn't even bother to check who was calling, certain it had to be Norah checking in- I hadn't heard from her all day.

"Curtis" I breathed into the mouthpiece, dropping down onto the couch.

"I hope I'm not disturbing you"

Chief White. I took a deep breath to calm my body down, pushing a hand through windblow hair as I leaned back against the cushions.

"Chief- no, just about to settle in with a glass of wine"

"Well, you deserve the rest. I just wanted to check in and say good work with the Bastion situation yesterday. Not everyone would have handled it as calmly as I'm told that you did"

I closed my eyes at the memory, keeping a hand tangled tightly in blonde locks.

"Thanks. I appreciate that"

"We've got surveillance on the house and we're hoping Vasquez rolls on Bastion. I'll fill you in whenever you're back"

"Thanks, I'll be back on Tuesday"

"Take your time. I know things must be tough right now… what with your mother and all"

I frowned, lines creasing my forehead as I filed through the possibilities of what he could mean. I suppose her retiring must have been as much of a shock to everyone as it was to me. The truth was, they'd be surprised at how easily she seemed to be navigating it.

"Thanks, but I'm fine. I'll see you on Tuesday"

"Alright, be well Captain"

I hung up the phone, tossing it aside with a sigh. A glass of deep red wine appeared in front of me and I smiled up at Sara gratefully, sliding the glass from her hand.

"Come on"

I followed her down the stairs of the balcony, down the narrow path to the beach. She laid out a Mexican Blanket before dropping down onto it, setting the bottle of wine in the sand. I loved this side of her. The wine-straight-from-the-bottle side. The barefoot, carefree side. I drank in the sight of her for a moment before she tilted her head back to shoot me a questioning look and I took a seat next to her.

The sun was dipping low over the ocean, casting a long reflection over the water. We sat in comfortable silence for an indetermined amount of time, darkness settling in by the time I spoke, the sky a deep shade of indigo.

"Tell me about Olivia"

She glanced at me from the corner of her eye, frowning softly.

"Come on, I want to hear about the woman who was able to shake you"

She turned her head, tilting it softly as she stared at me. The moon was bright enough that I could see her; could see the weight of words she wasn't going to voice. Finally she shrugged softly, gaze drifting back to the ocean.

"You already know most of it. She was so… adventurous. And artistic, and interesting. And I was so…"

"Nerdy?"

She shot me a look and I chuckled, tipping back a drink of wine from the bottle, long since having abandoned my glass.

"_Focused_. And guarded. I don't know what she saw in me back then, but we became close. She forced me to open up, and I… loved her for that"

"But you two never…"

She raised an eyebrow, smirking softly, telling me everything I needed to know. I rolled my eyes with a chuckle, glancing out at the ocean.

"_Dated._ Were together" I clarified. She shrugged softly, a gust of wind playing through her waves.

"Not really. Not officially anyway"

I left it at that, running a hand through my hair as I slid the bottle from her grasp, tipping back a long sip. I was silent for a few minutes before looking back at her.

"When did you realize that you loved me?"

I tried to say the words casually; to make them sound less fragile than they felt.

"The moment I met you"

She attempted to keep a straight face but her eyes held that teasing gleam, a smile pulling at the corners of her lips. I chuckled, shooting her a skeptical look.

"Yeah, right"

"Okay, it might have taken a while to get there. But it's not like I wasn't into you, you _were_ beautiful"

"Were?" I teased, quirking an eyebrow at her. Dark eyes trailed over my features, lingering on my lips before tearing them away with a smile; a soft shake of her head.

"_Are_. You know that"

I felt heat creep into my cheeks, smiling softly as I took another sip of wine. She was silent for a moment before continuing.

"I tried to convince myself that I was bothered by your friendship with Gil because he was so taken by you, and that _was _annoying" she told me with a sideways glance; a smile that pursed her lips. "But honestly… I was annoyed that you held this closeness with him that he didn't even appreciate. Like you were just blindly offering him this intimacy that any normal person would have welcomed "

I chuckled, shooting her an incredulous look.

"A person like you?" I asked

She shrugged, gaze still on the ocean. "Maybe"

I scoffed, eyes rolling. Her social ineptness could be absolutely infuriating at times.

"Do you even realize the effort I put in to developing a friendship with you? Grissom was simple- intellectual, easy to talk to, no danger of developing any feelings. You were… cold, to me. And guarded. Like I was a threat of some kind"

She slipped the bottle out of my grasp, fingers brushing mine. She didn't take a sip, just held onto it absently.

"I guess it made me uneasy how much you affected me. How easily you could get under my skin. I think I knew how easily I could fall for you, so I… kept you at a distance"

"Until you didn't…"

A smile pulled at the corner of her lips, tucking a wild strand of hair behind her ear.

"Until I didn't" she echoed quietly.

"What changed?"

She was quiet for a moment, searching for the right words. Eventually she gave another half-hearted shrug, letting out a breath.

"You're hard to resist"

I felt my heart in my throat as she finally turned her gaze back to me, eyes searching mine in the dim light of the moon.

"Do you still…" I asked quietly; vaguely. She didn't hesitate, aware that I was bringing it back to my initial question.

"Yes"

A smile ghosted over my lips, holding her gaze as I slipped the wine bottle out of her grasp, raising it to my lips to take a long drink.

"Do you remember any of the constellations I showed you?" she asked, clearing her throat softly as though dissipating the heavy emotion clinging to her words. I stuck the bottle into the sand before resting my hands behind me, gazing up at the sky.

"I was never actually listening, you know. I just liked having you close" I admitted with a sheepish smile, remembering those evenings in the bed of my truck under old car blankets, her voice in my ear as she pointed out patterns in the stars. She chuckled, and I could feel her gaze on me as I stared up at the sky.

After a moment I felt her shift, closing the slight distance between us. She leaned in, pointing up at the North East edge of the sky. I closed my eyes at her proximity, breath hot against my cold ear.

"If you connect those three stars, up to that bright one…"

I drew in a shaky breath, glancing at her. She turned her head slightly to look at me and I didn't pause to think, leaning in and pressing my lips to hers. Her nose was cold against mine, unruly hair tickling my cheek softly. She pulled back, aware of the boundaries I had set earlier, but before she could say anything I tangled a hand in her wild hair, recapturing her lips with mine.

She tasted of wine and salt and everything else dimmed into the background- the crash of waves, the chill that had been settling in, the sight of a beach fire in the distance. Her hand fell to my waist, though I barely felt it through the thick wool of my sweater. I bit her bottom lip softly, trailing my tongue over it until her lips parted. I brushed my tongue against hers, eliciting a soft moan as she sat upright, pulling me gently into her as she deepened the kiss.

A familiar tightness started in my lower stomach as she kissed me, heat coursing through my body despite the cool breeze. I slid my hand to her leg, grasping her jean clad thigh as a quiet moan escaped, lost in the sound of crashing waves.

I'm not sure if it was the wine or the romanticism of the moment or her words echoing through my mind, but I felt suddenly desperate for her. I didn't care about the lines I had drawn earlier or the questions still hanging heavily between us or my need to be the one in control. She urged me ever-so-gently backwards, respectfully testing my limits. I impatiently grabbed her hip, my other hand tangled in her hair as I laid back against the blanket, pulling her with me.

I lost any concept of time, completely consumed by the feel of her. Her thigh pressing heavily between my own, her cold hand against my warm flesh, creeping up along my ribcage. My desire that felt like a wildfire, hips pressing up into her in a desperate attempt to find some relief. She cupped my breast roughly, thumb brushing over a nipple and I gasped against her lips, arching up into her touch. My hands had found their way beneath her shirt, fingertips trailing over her back. I dug short nails into her skin, hips grinding up into her as hers pressed down.

"Sara…" I moaned in a voice I didn't recognize, unable to put together any sort of coherent sentence. _'Fuck me' _sounded too vulgar for the moment, even for me. _'Please'_ sounded too desperate, even though I was somewhere beyond that now. Luckily I didn't have to elaborate any further as she breathed an expletive against my jaw, blunt nails raking softly back down my body in an act that made my breath catch violently in my throat, stopping at the waistband of my jeans.

A bell jingling beside us broke the spell abruptly, a dog racing by. Sara paused to catch her breath against my neck before rolling off of me, forcing a hand through her hair. I pushed up onto my elbows, looking around until I made out a couple wandering down by the water's edge- heads bowed, seemingly deep in conversation.

Breath still shallow, I glanced down at Sara, heat coursing through me at the sight of her still a bit breathless, hair wild, gazing up at me with heavy lidded eyes.

"Let's go inside" she said, voice even huskier than usual.

I took a deep breath before giving her a nod. She stood, offering me a hand that I ignored, pushing myself up, suddenly back to feeling a painful sense of vulnerability. She looked at me with knitted brows and I pressed a kiss to the edge of her mouth to quell her unspoken concern, turning to grab the sandy blanket and shake it out as she retrieved the empty bottle of wine.

As the haze of desire began to clear, I felt dread lodge itself firmly in my chest. It wasn't as easy as this, even as she shot me that lazy half smile, turning to lead the way along the sandy path. There was no more putting it off, we needed to talk. To define what was happening here.

I blew out a breath, smoothing down my mussed hair before following her back towards the cabin, guided by the moonlight.


	15. Chapter 15

_Thanks for the kind words, I hope you enjoy. _

* * *

_Sara_

Cold sand beneath my bare feet feels oddly comforting, like a gentle nostalgia. The soft brush of grass against my toes. The air is cold but I barely notice, buzzed from wine and the feel of her body beneath mine. I feel a bit like an overzealous teenager, but I don't care. I lead us up towards the cabin, easily navigating the narrow path beneath the bright moonlight.

Strangely, my mind keep drifting to Gill.

His composed nature. His soft hands. I had been so certain that he was what I wanted. Even when the fantasy fell short, which it often did, I brushed it off. It was the sort of attachment that I had never felt before- we belonged to each other. He was kind, gentle, intelligent. I looked up to him, as an intellectual. He gave me all the time I desired for myself without question. I never saw that as a red flag until I was 5000 miles away from him and felt suddenly as though I could breathe again.

Our intimacy was soft and infrequent. I would lay on his chest as he told me about his day. He would kiss my head with a practiced sort of tenderness and turn out the lights. Occasionally, the mechanics of sex beneath the shroud of darkness- the way his stubble against my skin felt comforting and safe, but never erotic. My body would crave attention and I would mistake it for desire towards him, always left silently unsatisfied.

I convinced myself that the core of our relationship lay in a mutual respect- a deep love for one another. But did it really? He made decisions and then phrased them as questions, as though offering me an illusion of power. He paid attention to me only when he needed the companionship, the affection. It wasn't even intentional, I don't think. I really believe he would conclude that he loved me well.

All this to say, being with Sofia feels like a constantly unfolding epiphany. The comfort I get from her hand slipping into mine; the way I feel when I look at her. The intimacy between us. _This is how it should feel. _It's an elating yet melancholic understanding I reach at 39 years old on a cold, abandoned beach in late July.

She can look me in the eyes at the end of a brutal day and know without words whether I need a hug, a drink or an escape. She hears me shed tears in the darkness and holds me silently and doesn't mention it in the morning. She sparks feelings that radiate like heat through my body simply by holding my gaze across a room for a moment too long. She can render me mindless with a kiss. She can make me come in a way that feels as though I'm shattering, before returning to myself in a warm haze of bliss.

This is what love is. We belong to ourselves and we choose each other, and I want so desperately to hold onto this with both hands.

Once we're inside I turn around to look at her, standing in front of the closed glass door. Her cheeks are rosy from the cold, usually smooth hair windblown and untamed. My thick wool sweater is too big on her and it makes her look unusually fragile; impossibly young, though it could be the uncertain look in her cornflower eyes.

Her lips are swollen from the insistence of mine, and I'm not sure she's ever looked more beautiful. It's warm in here and she pulls the brown sweater off, tossing it onto the couch. Her white blouse clings to her body, unbuttoned just enough to show the swell of her breasts and suddenly I am once again on fire.

"Sara…" she breathes, forcing a hand through wild hair, pausing in that predictable way that gives me just enough time to interject.

I know that she wants to talk. I know that we need to. I believe we can figure this out, but the way she's been looking at me all day makes me nervous so I close the distance between us in a few strides, cupping her cheek and kissing her softly. Kissing her silent. Barefoot she's shorter than me and I find it oddly endearing the way she tilts her head up to meet my lips.

"Yeah?" I mumble as I pull back, just to connect my lips to the expanse of her neck. She sighs, turning her head to offer more skin, her hands finding my hips.

"We should-" I close my lips around her pulse point, sucking the soft flesh into my mouth and she moans "talk" in a way that I feel between my thighs.

"You're right, but the thing is, we have this cabin all to ourselves" I breathe against her ear, hands sliding just beneath her blouse, fingertips grazing over the soft flesh of the small of her back. "And I think we should make the most of it"

Her breathing is laboured but she's otherwise silent. I pull back just far enough to look at her, knowing that it's my turn to show some vulnerability.

"I want to be with you" I tell her quietly, holding her gaze. I mean it in every sense, but in this moment I want her skin against mine and my fingers inside of her and my name on her lips when she comes. I want to lose myself in her.

Holding her gaze becomes too intense so I drop slowly down to my knees, gazing up at her as I undo the bottom few buttons of her cotton blouse. She threads her fingers loosely through my hair as I lean in to press a few open mouthed kisses against her pale stomach, tongue sneaking out to taste her skin.

A hand reaches behind her to grasp the back of the couch, her breath catching in her throat. I lazily pop open the button of her loose jeans, sliding down the zipper as her grip in my hair tightens. My lips meet dark lace, hands sliding up the back of her thighs. This moment is right out of a fantasy I've had a dozen times over while waiting for the run down at crime scenes, watching her saunter around with her gun belt and no-nonsense rhetoric, occasionally meeting my gaze with an unreadable intensity.

We were always an inevitable collision.

She undoes the final buttons of her blouse as I slide the jeans easily down her smooth legs. I glance up as she lets the material fall off her shoulders, leaving her in nothing but matching black lace. My lips part as though to say something, but there aren't adequate words. Whatever I thought desire was before her, I was wrong.

She drops down, forcing me back onto my heels as she straddles me. I grab her hips as I sit back, straightening my legs out as she settles on top of me. Her lips are on mine and I moan into her mouth, my foot connecting solidly with something, followed by a loud crash. She tears her lips from mine as we both glance over at the porcelain vase that's shattered into pieces on the hardwood floor. The flowers in a tangled heap, water soaking into the small sheepskin rug. I stare at the pieces for a moment before looking back at her. Her lips curve into a grin, a quiet chuckle escaping them.

"Oops" I offer with a lazy half smile.

"It's those gangly legs" she comments, a flash of teasing through glacial eyes. She leans down to recapture my lips but I lean away in mock offence.

"Gangly?"

She sit back on my hips and laughs- the kind of laugh that she rarely emits, joyful and soft. Dimples grace her cheeks as she smiles down at me and it's almost difficult to equate this side of her to the brash officer she portrays so well. She leans down slowly, shifting to straddle a thigh as her hand brushes languidly up the other one.

"…I love your gangly legs" she breathes against my ear, a hint of teasing still there, but I'm on fire once again. I tangle my fingers in silky hair, pulling her lips to mine, and I'm lost.

* * *

_A slamming door, enough to shake burnt orange walls. The feel of bile rising in my throat, paralyzed by fear. The screams of a woman come untethered. The closet door shakes, reverberations from fists pounding against the drywall. It's silent for a moment before light floods the space, blinding me momentarily. I try to scream and nothing escapes but an almost inaudible whimper. I feel hands on my body rough enough to bruise, but suddenly everything is still. _

_A gunshot. A gasp. A flood of crimson that I feel before I see, thick and warm against my fingertips. I force my eyes open- an unspectacular street lined with rundown houses. Fifteen cops in a state of chaotic confusion. My hand finds her pale one, painting it crimson, the warmth draining from it rapidly until it feels unrecognizable. I can't look up, bile burning my throat, staring at blonde strands of hair against the plaid grey concrete. Someone is touching my shoulder in a comforting gesture, rubbing my back, but I can't move._

_"Sara"_

_I jerk my head up, staring into terrified, lifeless eyes._

_"_Sara_"_

My eyes fly open in the darkness, a gasp catching my throat. The clock beside the bed is glowing a comforting light, _3:25_.

Her hand is rubbing my back gently, yet firmly enough to wake me. I take a shaky breath and she slides an arm around my waist, her bare skin pressing against mine as she whispers sleepily into my hair.

"It's just a nightmare, you're okay"

I cover her hand with mine to keep her from moving away. She's experienced this before, on a few of the countless mornings we fell asleep together after draining shifts. I've seen them shake her own body as well. She knows the process.

She doesn't say anything more, just holds me close and I focus on the feel of her even breaths against my neck, drifting back to sleep in her embrace.

* * *

Light flooding in through the large windows pulls me from sleep, shadows of Ponderosa branches swaying sedately in the breeze cast against slate grey walls. I roll over, reaching lazily across the bed in search of Sofia. My fingers find nothing but cold sheets, a frown pulling at my lips as I force my eyes open.

She's sitting near the end of the bed, eyes trained on me with a furrowed brow. I trail sleepy eyes over long legs which are pulled up beneath her, a tanned arm propping her up on the mattress. Pale sheets pool around her hips, revealing her toned yet soft stomach, her breasts full and bare, distracting me for a few hazy moments before I meet her gaze, my sleepy contentment fading into a soft confusion.

"This is uh…" I rasp, voice thick with sleep, nodding towards her as I prop myself up on my elbows. "A little unnerving"

Her expression doesn't change as she reaches absently up to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, still in a complete state of disarray from last night's vigorous activities. When she doesn't say anything my brows knit together as I sit up a bit, pulling the sheet with me.

"What's up?"

She stares at me for a few more moments before speaking- steady and quiet.

"This isn't going to work"

My frown deepens as I stare at her for a long moment before sighing, running my hands over tired eyes in an attempt to clear the fog of sleep.

"Sofia…"

She gives her head a soft shake, a pained expression drifting over her features, but remains silent. I'm craving coffee and a quiet morning. I'm craving the feel of her in my arms. We've never had a proper morning together- not as lovers, not like this.

"Just come back to bed" I plead softly, trailing my hand over the cool sheets beside me with a hopeful half smile. If possible, her brows knit even further and I curse myself for being so bad at this.

"You can't keep evading this conversation" she tells me and I feel the twinges of irritation beginning to surface.

"Do you actually want to have a conversation? Because it sounds like you're just telling me what you've decided"

She remains silent and I sigh, pushing myself further up against the headboard, wincing as my sore muscles protest.

"Just because things are difficult doesn't mean you should throw your hands up and walk away. Some things are worth fighting for"

Anger flashes through her bright eyes like the edge of a knife and I know I've hit a nerve, but my own words settle in and I feel a wave of anxiety rush through me.

"Unless you're saying this isn't worth it to you"

I instantly want to pull up my defences, reconstruct a wall between us, but she absently tore those down years ago. There is nothing in my arsenal to protect myself from her. Bright eyes soften and she sighs, giving her head an almost imperceptible shake.

"Of course it is, I've made it clear that I want to be with you…" she looks away, out at the distant expanse of calm ocean and I'm struck once again by her beauty. Her soft cheekbones, her eyes almost luminous in the morning light. My eyes trail down her neck, her smooth body. There's a long scar on the left side of her ribcage from a jagged piece of glass she was assaulted with her first year on the job. An almost indiscernible one on her thigh- a cigarette burn from a volatile ex-lover. I search for the small one on her knee from climbing a barbed wire fence at 16, my favourite of them all. She told me about it over a-

"_Sara"_

I blink, eyes meeting hers with a slight frown. She stares at me for a moment before a smile ghosts over her lips, giving her head a soft, dismissive shake.

"Tell me how you see this working"

"I can drive out to Carson City on the weekends, you can fly out to Vegas. I'm sure we both have enough vacation time saved up to take extra days wherever we want…"

"That's… optimistic"

"Yeah well, you know me" I say, pursing my lips into a smile. A realist on the best of days. A pessimist on most. She smiles before it fades and her gaze turns serious.

"We've planned one weekend together so far and I barely made it for the tail end. I work 7 days a week and when I do manage to get some time off, I'm still on call"

She toys nervously with the sheet held gently between her fingertips.

"You get completely absorbed in your cases, and even if I was enough to pull you away for a weekend, you would be distracted. Your schedule would be thrown off. It doesn't make sense"

"So come back to Vegas"

It's what I've really wanted to say from the moment we reconnected. I know it's more complicated than that, I know she's got an important job. I know it isn't fair, but I say it anyway.

"I… can't" she sighs, pushing a hand through her hair. "But Carson City would look good on you"

She says it almost teasingly, but her gaze is serious. She's not wrong. It's surrounded by lakes and hiking trails, it's less than four hours from San Francisco. I could surf on weekends, we could trail run Lake Tahoe, I could easily transfer labs. But I just found my footing again in Vegas, I only recently managed to shake the lingering ghost of heartbreak. I have my mother to think about, though the thought alone gives me an added pang of anxiety.

"I can't, Sof"

Her jaw clenches softly, her frame tense as she glances away for a long moment before locking eyes with me.

"So as I said, this isn't going to work"

"Eventually, we will figure something out. But for now, why can't we just settle for seeing each other when we can? It's better than nothing, don't you think?"

"I am not doing this again Sara"

Her words are sharp and loud and I close my eyes, unsure what else to do.

"Carson City is… nice. It's quiet, comparatively"

Her voice is quieter, gentler, and I don't know how to make her understand.

"I've been…" I lick my lips, searching for the right words. "Bending to other peoples' expectations for years. I came back to Vegas to help out Catherine, and she assumed I was staying, so I did. Grissom wanted to leave Costa Rica to go teach at the Sorbonne, so we moved to Paris. He wanted us to apply for a research grant to study aquatic insects, so I agreed"

I push a hand through my hair, anger at my own pliancy bubbling up.

"You know, I was seeing someone in Costa Rica. Nothing had happened yet but she was brilliant and beautiful, and then Grissom showed up without even a question as to whether I still wanted to be with him. He just settled in like a gift from God, and I… fucking let him"

She's watching me with angry eyes, and I'm afraid to hear her response yet determined not to relent. Not even to her. I need to hold onto my space.

"You're comparing my desire to make this work to Grissom's blind self-importance?"

She scoffs, and I notice for the first time the tears in her eyes, disguised behind sharp anger.

"I'm asking you to bend a little because that's the only way that this can work. And you told me you want this to work"

"Of course I do, but I can't just give up my life in Vegas that is finally starting to feel somewhat normal again. I have to put myself first for once in my life"

Her narrowly controlled anger finally overflows, eyes flashing a dangerous shade of blue.

"I never asked you not to" she shouts, fist gripping a handful of sheet. "If I'm what you want, then taking steps towards being together seems like a very practical move"

She slides off the bed, tearing the crumpled sheet off with a soft violence and wrapping the beige material around herself in a series of angry movements.

"I'm not saying that I don't want to take any steps. It's just that for now, I want to be with you like this-" I motion vaguely around us, "like we were this weekend"

"You don't even like being in your house" she shoots, ignoring my words. "You said it's too big and not your style, and now suddenly it's your sanctuary?"

I sigh, pressing my eyes shut for a moment, feeling a headache coming on.

"I told you this isn't going to work. You argue that it will, but you've done nothing but prove my own point"

I wet my lips, feeling a rush of panic as I search for the words to deescalate the situation, but my rising irritation wins out.

"You expect me to up and leave my job and my family to be with you, but you're not willing to do the same. Why not Vegas? You know you could easily get a job there, the Sheriff thinks you walk on water"

"The sheriff spent two years trying to fuck me when he was Chief, he thinks nothing of me as a cop" she corrects me dismissively. "And I'm likely about to be promoted to Deputy Chief, Sara. I've worked so hard to get where I am, I can't throw that away. It wouldn't even be a lateral move, I'd be lucky to get in as a Lieutenant, that department is already way overstaffed"

I stare at her, grappling for words I can't find. She sighs, giving her head a soft shake.

"It's just bad timing"

She holds my gaze for a long moment, as though waiting for me to say something, before turning towards the bathroom. I watch her go, the sense of panic washing through me becoming unbearable. It feels just like three years ago- watching her walk away and doing nothing.

I untangle from the blankets, sliding off the bed and padding across the cold floor. I push the slightly ajar door open, finding her at the sink. She looks up, meeting my gaze in the mirror, the tears in her eyes turning them glacial.

"Don't do this"

My voice is quiet and deep, and when she doesn't say anything I find myself moving towards her. She doesn't turn around, just holds my gaze as her teeth clamp down on her bottom lip in an attempt to stifle her tears.

My hands fall to the counter on either side of her, trapping her between me and the marble. There is this intimacy between us, even while she's walking away. Nothing but a thin sheet between our naked bodies; the way she leans back against me ever-so-slightly; the way she smells like sex and vanilla and lilac. Her eyes fall shut, and suddenly the need to feel her is overwhelming. The need to hold onto this. The need to memorize every single one of her nuances.

The sheet has slipped down below her breasts and I can't help but stare at her body in the mirror as my hands slide, tentative yet determined, over her soft skin. I cup the swell of her breasts gently as my lips brush over her shoulder, thumbs running over hardening nipples. She lets out a quiet sigh, leaning back against me as her eyes remain transfixed on our reflection- on my hands moving over her skin.

"I can't lose you again" I breathe against her ear, caught somewhere between eroticism and heartache.

My lips trail down her neck as the movements of my hands become rougher. She shifts slightly against me, the sheet slipping down to cling to her hips. I keep one hand in place, not ready to give up the feel of her soft breast as the other slowly trails down her body. I focus on every little reaction- the feel of her head resting back against my shoulder, her hips twitching softly in anticipation, the sheet finally falling into a pool on the ground. The way her breath hitches as I reach her blonde patch of hair, pausing for a moment as I pinch a nipple roughly between my fingers, her lips parting slightly with a breathy moan.

The muscles in her stomach twitch softly, hands shifting to grasp the edge of the counter. I stare at her in the mirror until her heavy lidded gaze meets mine. Her chest is rising and falling rapidly and I lean down to kiss her neck, scraping my teeth lightly over the soft skin at the base of it as I slide my hands lower, down to cup her gently.

Her moan is intoxicating, her legs parting slightly in anticipation, ass pressing back into me in the process. I tear my hand from her breast to find purchase on the counter, pressing my body flush against hers as we lean forward ever so slightly. My tongue brushes over the sensitive skin of her neck as my fingers slide down over her velvet wetness.

Her breath is shallow, fingertips digging into the cold countertop. I move slowly in a way that I know makes her impatient, earning a whimper. My gaze travels over her body- her heaving breasts, her delicate collarbones, her parted lips, her eyes pressed shut. Her hair long and messy. She is so beautiful it distracts me for a long moment before her hips rock into my touch and I remember myself.

I focus on her clit and she whimpers loudly, one hand letting go of the counter to reach blindly behind her to grasp my hip. I moan against her ear, pressing myself into her as I stare at us, transfixed.

"Sara" she breathes, almost inaudibly, and my knees feel suddenly weak. I slide two fingers into her and she cries out, hips rolling into my touch . My mouth attaches to her neck as I add a third finger, my pace fast and deep.

I glance back up at the mirror, molten heat settling between my thighs as her heavy lidded eyes meet mine.

"Fuck" I exhale, low and throaty against her ear, her eyes falling shut as she moans some indecipherable expletive, leaning forward against the counter as her legs threaten to give out.

I support her weight for a few moments before my own knees threaten to buckle and instead I move both hands to her hips, turning her around and capturing her lips in a desperate kiss.

I'm not sure I've ever been kissed so deeply, it distracts me completely as I try to navigate us backwards towards the bed.

Eventually we make it and I'm on top of her and inside of her and she's panting against my neck. I barely notice her hand moving between us until she thrusts up into me and I gasp against her neck as pleasure rolls through me, my frenzied movements stilling as I try to collect myself.

Something feels different about this and I struggle to put my finger on it until I realize that she's finally relenting control. Since we reconnected, she's been the one controlling the pace and claiming dominance- not that I minded, it is in her nature. But having her beneath me, letting me take what I want is almost as arousing as her touch.

Her movements are slow and precise, her hips rolling up into me as we move in a slow rhythm. Her free hand is gripping my hair, kissing me hungrily until it's too much. She breaks away with a moan and I'm panting against her jaw as my hips rock into her deep touch.

"Yeah" she moans breathily, grip on my hair tightening painfully as her hips pick up their pace.

Despite my efforts, I come first, teeth clamping down on her neck to muffle my moans. In a ripple effect, she tumbles beautifully over the edge, crying out as she locks a trembling thigh around my hip, body arching up into me.

It's long moments before my breathing has calmed, my body warm and sedate against hers. I push up onto an elbow to look at her, blonde hair fanned out around her, cheeks flushed, lips kiss stained. She blinks open her eyes and I lean down to kiss her gently.

"… I can't lose you" I repeat, barely a whisper against her lips.

She stares up at me, and finally I can clearly see everything- the guttural pain, the love, the desperation, the resolve. She reaches up to tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear, smile ghosting over her lips.

"I should go" she whispers, and I feel the full weight of reality crash over me. I stare at her for a moment before rolling off of her soft body, pressing my hands to my eyes. When I open them again there's tears on my cheek and she's disappearing into the other room in search of her clothes.

"I have just barely found my footing, Sofia. I'm not ready to uproot my life. I'm in the process of piecing myself back together, and I want you to be a part of that…"

She returns to the room in her loose jeans and lace bra, slipping her blouse over her arms. She doesn't say anything and I press my lips together, feeling as though there's a timer counting down the seconds I have to find the right words before she walks out of my life again.

"You deserve a whole person to love you, Sofia. You… deserve everything"

I stand, grabbing her wrists and stopping her from refastening the last few buttons of her shirt. She sighs, glancing away from me for a long moment. When she finally looks back, her eyes are flooded with tears, lips pressed together against the telling tremble of her chin.

"But in the meantime, we can-"

She cuts me off with a sharp shake of her head, soft fingertips pressing against my mouth to silence me. Pushing me gently back, my knees hit the edge of the bed and I sit down, gazing up at her with a painful lump in my throat.

"I've spent three years in love with you. Irrationally waiting for you…"

She looks away momentarily, trying to compose herself.

"You should take all of the time you need, you deserve to feel whole… I want you to move to Carson, I want to properly date you, to eventually build a life together, but that's unfair. And what you're asking of me is unfair. I want to feel whole too, Sara. I can't do that while I'm clinging to the pieces of what you're able to offer me"

I want to say something- anything to make her stay. _Of course I'll come to you, of course we'll make this work_\- it's on the tip of my tongue, but I can't bring myself to say it, so instead I choke back a sob, grabbing her slim hips tightly as words fail me.

"I have to go" she repeats, a bit firmer this time, but I can see the pain behind her eyes. The screaming plea for me to stop her. The gut-wrenching truth is that she's right, and I don't have any more words.

She leans down to kiss me tenderly. I grasp the back of her neck, holding her close for a few drawn out moments before she breaks away. With a final pained look she turns, disappearing out of the room. The sound of the front door pulling shut washes over me like a blow, and I curl up on the disorderly bed, finally allowing the pain to overwhelm me.


	16. Chapter 16

Muscles burned as my feet pounded rhythmically against the pavement, the drone of traffic in the distance growing louder.

It had been two weeks since I'd left Sara, 300 miles from here. I'd made it all the way to San Diego before my heart got the better of me and I cried so hard in an I-Hop parking lot that a waitress on a smoke break rapped gently on my window, regarding me with kind concern.

She offered me breakfast, which I declined, but I took the half smoked cigarette she passed through the window, and the advice that this too shall pass.

So far, my heart was a clenched fist and I couldn't think beyond her crooked smile.

I darted around a small Oak tree, glancing both ways before jogging across the tree-lined street, golden light cast against the smooth pavement.

The piles of work that had adorned my desk when I'd returned were completed and neatly filed away, leaving me restless and praying for some new break in a case. Eager for a meeting with the DA or a painstaking departmental review- anything to keep my mind occupied. As luck would have it, August fell upon us with a lazy sort of stillness and I was crawling out of my skin.

I ran a hand over my sweaty forehead, catching my breath as I walked up to the old, brick building just off of the main drag. The bell chimed as I pushed through the door, a rush of cold air chilling my damp skin. I glanced up at the large menu out of habit, throwing a quick smile at the familiar woman behind the counter.

Terry's was hardly the go-to café in Carson, which is why I preferred it. The food was mediocre at best, but it was always quiet and they made a decent cup of coffee.

"Sofia"

A familiar voice called as I was heading back out, sandwich and iced coffee in my grasp.

Reid Johnson sat in one of the curved booths, a mess of papers and text books sprawled in front of him, a mug of coffee growing cold at his side. I gave him a nod in greeting, gazing down at his work as I wandered over.

"You look tired, girl"

I raised an eyebrow in amusement, soft frown creasing my brow.

"Always a pleasure, Reid"

"I heard about what happened with Ian…" His dark eyed gaze drifted around the quiet café before meeting mine. "You know he's not your guy, right?"

"… Right, but it's still a felon off the streets"

"Yeah, congrats, but don't think it's over just cause you put one of his boys away"

I took a slow sip of coffee, brows furrowing.

"Isn't he the one you were so concerned about?"

He laughed- a warm, comforting sound as he leaned back in the booth, running a hand over his head. I noticed an intricate rose tattoo covering dark skin, just above the soft curve of his knuckles.

"He was, until he got locked up and little sis immediately set her sights on someone else"

"Bastion?"

"She won't tell me, but it's definitely possible"

"You said he drops in every week or so… do you know if he lives in Carson?"

"Nah, I told you, I've been keeping my distance from all of that. That's your department"

He pointed a pen at me in reference, eyes scanning over my form, suddenly aware of my small running shorts; my nearly transparent black tank top, sweat dampened and clinging to my frame. Instead of a crude comment, he met my gaze with a soft frown of concern.

"You taking care of yourself?"

Once again my eyebrow arched, an amused scoff escaping my lips for lack of a better response. He seemed to pick up on my offence, chuckling softly.

"The only people running in heat like this are running away from something"

I took another sip of coffee, giving my head a dismissive shake, sweat dampened ponytail swaying softly against my back.

"That a psych degree your working towards?" I asked dismissively, nodding towards the books spread out in front of him. He chuckled, glancing down at the mess of papers.

"Pre-Law. Who knows, maybe we'll be working together someday"

I smiled, chucking quietly as I took a step backwards.

"Maybe"

"I did hear them mention something about 'El Camino' a few times. Not sure what that means, but could be relevant"

El Camino. Something about that sounded immediately familiar, but I couldn't quite place it. I raised my coffee in thanks, offering a quick smile before turning to head back out into the warm evening.

The soft buzz of my phone vibrated against my hip and I awkwardly slid the bag of food beneath my arm as I reached for it.

"Curtis" I answered, wandering around to the quiet side of the old building.

"_Hey.."_

My steps faltered slightly, fingers clutching the phone a bit tighter at the sound of her voice.

"Hi"

We hadn't spoken since California and my stomach fluttered anxiously. All I wanted was for her to ask me again to try this long distance. The resolve I'd had weeks ago had been worn down to the bone.

_"Do you remember that beer we used to drink constantly, that dirt cheap stuff?"_

Her voice was gravelly and I smiled, brows furrowing softly in bemusement as I leaned back against the cool brick.

"Yeah…"

_"What was it called?"_

"Is this why you're calling me?"

She inhaled sharply and I knew she was smoking. Probably hiding out on the roof with a mug of lukewarm coffee. Probably not her first smoke of the night.

"_Partly, yeah"_

"You going to treat yourself?"

_"I was thinking about it"_

I wrapped an arm around my waist protectively, gazing at the golden light turning crimson against the trees. I missed her so much it felt like a perpetual ache.

"Why are you really calling?" I asked after a moment of silence.

She sighed, taking another drag.

_"I wanted to hear your voice… and I wanted to apologize for the other day. I don't like how we left things"_

"… Yeah, me either"

_"It's not fair for me to expect you to be in an unconventional relationship with someone who… barely has her life together. I did it for so long with Gil that it seemed reasonable, but it obviously didn't work out for us, and you're not Gil. I've been away from you for a few weeks and it… hurts"_

I pulled my lower lip between my teeth, resting my head back against the brick as pain washed through me.

"… yeah"

"_Maybe… things will be different one day. But I need you to know…" _she paused, sighing quietly. "_I love you. And I hate this. And I… miss you"_

I closed my eyes, pressing my lips together against the tears threatening to fall.

"Thanks for calling to reiterate that"

"_Sof-"_

_"_I miss you too. I love you too. Let's leave it at that" I cut off whatever she was about to say.

"And Sara?"

"_Yeah?"_

"It's called Lucky's"

I ended the call, dropping the phone to my stomach as I took a deep breath, and then another, fingers violently denting the cup in my hand.

* * *

It was late when I entered the intimate whiskey bar downtown- pretentious and dimly lit, but a distraction nonetheless. It was warm and smelled of tobacco and fine scotch, an almost suffocating feel after the relentless heat of the past few days.

I spotted Norah at the bar, sipping whiskey and talking to a man I recognized from the DA's office, a smile skirting over my lips at her blatantly flirtatious ways. She was dressed in trousers and a silk blouse that looked more expensive than my car, somehow accentuating her sexuality despite being buttoned to the top of her neck, black curls burnished and neat.

She clocked me approaching them, cobalt eyes drifting over my dark pants, my white blouse that hugs me in all the right places.

"I didn't think you'd actually show up" she mused, glancing over at the bartender and gesturing for another two scotches. She'd invited me out multiple times over the past couple of weeks, but I'd been too caught up in cases or working through my own misery to even consider it.

A smile played over my lips as I took purchase of the scotch, leaning back against the bar and glancing around the crowded room with a shrug.

"I figure it's time to move on"

Quinn gave me a scrutinizing look that I could feel. When I finally let my gaze meet hers, her mouth twitched into a smile. She raised her glass up to me before taking a sip, clearly pleased with herself for getting me out.

She'd never liked Sara, purely on principle. I knocked back three scotches as I spoke to her and the assistant DA. I held each sip at the back of my mouth for a few long moments, revelling in the burn.

When a handsome man with grey eyes approached us- a beat cop from LA who had worked beneath Norah a couple years ago, I let his arm rest against the back of my stool as we spoke. I held his lingering glances. I craved a cigarette and something rough- something mindless and unspoken.

He smelled of soap and too much cologne. If he alone wasn't enough to be a lasting distraction, the inevitable bruises on my calves from colliding clumsily with my coffee table might be. The repetitive scratch of his beard against my skin.

It was all so perfectly numbing, until his movements became unbearably soft and I felt his gaze on me like a brand.

"You're beautiful" he breathed, touching my jaw tenderly. I whipped my head away as though I'd been struck.

"Don't" I spoke- a quiet warning as I stared at the shadows of an elm tree swaying softly against the wall.

When he kissed me softly I bit down violently on his lower lip, rolling him onto his back. My hands pressed against his chiseled stomach as I rode him hard and fast, clamping my eyes shut. I pictured her and cursed myself. He came quickly, rough fingers digging into my hips.

In the shower, I washed my body with harsh, exaggerated motions. This blatant contrast from her wasn't what I wanted. I didn't know how to be there- in my body, in my condo, in my irritatingly peaceful city.

I thought of Sara and her crooked smile, her arm draped lazily over me as we slept. Her deep voice in my ear as she fucked me. Her messy hair tangled between my fingers. The way she looked at me like gold.

I slammed the shower door, grabbing my towel from its hook. I met my own gaze in the mirror, noting the dark half-moons beneath my eyes from too much caffeine and lack of sleep. The wave of anguish that washed over me took me off guard, pressing my eyes shut against the nauseating feel; pressing my hands against the cool countertop. I was so tired of this feeling.

When I had left Vegas, it felt like knives- in my throat, my chest, my gut. A second heartbreak would surely be softer. It turns out I knew nothing of love and the casual warning my mother had given me should have been taken to heart.

It's never softer.

I asked Zach to go. I dragged a thin blanket onto the couch, Leonard curling up beside me as I stared at the trees swaying gently in the breeze. I considered calling Cassidy, but that wasn't fair. She deserved more than to be a distraction for her ex-lovers heartache.

I pulled Leonard closer despite the heat, eventually drifting into a restless sleep.

* * *

"Sofia"

My steps faltered, sighing tiredly before turning towards Quinn's office. I poked my head through the door, raising an eyebrow in question.

She pushed dark reading glasses onto her head, holding up a piece of paper.

"El Camino- what do you make of that?"

I frowned, coming to lean against the door frame.

"Who told you about that?"

"Detective…" her forehead creased, glancing away for a moment as she racked her mind before shaking her head dismissively. "That new one from vice, he finally got Davis to talk. He wouldn't give us much on Bastion, but he said that he's referred to El Camino a few times? I don't know what that is"

"I ran into Reid the other day- he same the same thing. I'll do some digging, try to find something"

I turned to go, hesitating when she called my name. I glanced back at her and she raised a thick eyebrow with a smile.

"Have fun last night?"

I scoffed, shooting her a knowing look before heading back down the hall.

"Curtis"

I groaned quietly, turning back towards the open door to Chief White's office. I rested a hand against the doorframe, giving him a slight nod of greeting.

"Chief"

Soft brown eyes took in my appearance, a frown creasing his forehead as he leaned back in his chair.

"Can we talk for a moment?"

I inhaled softly, glancing longingly down the hallway towards the sanctuary of my office before pushing off the doorframe and moving inside.

"Can you…" He nodded to the door and it was my turn to frown, giving him a skeptical look before pushing the door shut.

"Is everything alright?" I asked as I took a seat in one of the plush chairs across from him- a step up from the ones in my own office I noted absently.

"That's actually what I wanted to talk about…"

He stared at me for a long moment, as though trying to read something from my body language; my stoic features. Twirling a pen between his fingers he finally sighed, fixing me with a pointed look.

"I haven't made an official announcement yet, but I imagine you've heard that I'll be taking over your mothers position in Boulder City"

"She did mention that"

"I'm not sure I could ever fill such enormous shoes, but I'm looking forward to the challenge"

I smiled uncomfortably, not quite sure what to say. He looked at me for a long moment before sighing, raising his hands in a helpless gesture before letting them fall onto his lap.

"Look, I know you're a professional through and through, but I want you to know that if you need any time off, you just say the word"

I frowned, giving my head a slight shake of confusion.

"I've dealt with a sick parent too, Sofia. I know the toll it can take"

Blood drained suddenly from my fingers, leaving them numb. I gripped the arms of the chair weakly as I shook my head again, eyebrows knitting together softly.

"…What?"

"I know it's a private matter, your mother was very clear about that, and I don't mean to intrude… but you seem tired, Sofia"

My frown deepened, anxiety abruptly turning my stomach into knots. He studied me for a moment before leaning forward, holding my gaze steadily.

"I want you to know that the department will support you in whatever you need. And if you ever want to talk about it… I might not be your first choice, but I have been there"

I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. I pushed out of the chair, staring at him for a long moment.

"Thanks, I appreciate that" I said finally in a voice I barely recognized. I took a few unsteady steps towards the door before turning back to look at him.

"Was there anything else?"

He shook his head, taking purchase of his pen once again.

"Just please keep this in mind"

I gave him a nod before slipping out of his office.

I felt sick. Claustrophobic. Changing my trajectory, I headed for the stairs, jogging down them before pushing out the doors into the suffocating heat.

She wasn't sick… she'd told me as much. I'd seen her just over a month ago and she looked as strong as ever. What reason would she have to lie?

I was twelve the first time I saw a dead body, from the passenger seat of her sedan. She'd been called out briefly to a nearby scene while we were out for lunch. She had stared at me for long moments, as though measuring my reaction. I had regarded the lifeless man with a steely resolve until she was out of the car. Once she was distracted, speaking to another officer, I had bolted out into the November cold, throwing up behind a nearby police cruiser.

She'd never been one to shield me from harsh realities. She wouldn't hide this from me.

Avoiding eye contact with a few officers as I passed, I moved around to the side of the building, into a quiet patch of shade. My hands trembled slightly as I put a call through to my mother, frowning as it went to voicemail. I took a few shaky breaths before making another call, trying to quiet my anxious thoughts.

Sara picked up after the first ring and I spoke before she had a chance.

"El Camino- does that mean anything to you?"

"…_t__he car or the pilgrimage?"_

"No, neither. Something in Vegas"

"… _are you okay?"_

I pressed my eyes shut, taking a breath before continuing in what I hoped was a steadier tone.

"Yeah, just… this is important"

"_Not aside from that old warehouse district the gangs used to sell drugs out of a few years back… I'm pretty sure that's what they called it. But it's been quiet around there for ages"_

Suddenly it clicked- the abandoned warehouse that we cleared out years ago. It had been a long operation- quiet until it blew up, resulting in a few million in recovered drugs.

"Right, thanks" I said quietly, hanging up before she had a chance to speak.

I sank slowly down onto the concrete ledge of the building, pushing a shaky hand through my hair. My phone buzzed and I glanced down at Sara's name lighting up the screen, immediately dismissing the call. I took a deep breath, staring at the rolling mountains in the distance, trying to calm my racing mind.


End file.
